By Riley Faulds


In breaking news, Pelican can reveal the results of an exit opinion poll taken from a sample size of 200 students who voted in the first two days of the 2021 UWA Guild Elections.


In a stunning turn of events, one candidate has emerged as a clear front-runner. While it’s still early days, I know from my one Science Stats unit that a 92.3% vote even among a fraction of voting students, is a highly statistically significant result. Although recent years globally have shown that opinion polls can be very mistaken, this candidate will be difficult to catch. This is especially the case when the sample was certified as representative of the UWA student population, with sixty-two pairs of R.M. Williams boots and eighteen frisbees counted among the sample.


Without further ado, we can announce that Mary Petrou, the Returning Officer for this election, is ahead by a really, really long way. Despite not appearing on the ballot, or even being a student of this University, students have given Mary the tick of approval with a huge write-in vote. Students asserted in their answers to our poll that “Mary is far and away the best candidate for the job”, that she is “the most accountable and most interesting of the candidates” and that she is “just so frickin’ cool”.


A joint statement from each of the tickets has emphasised that each party is unsurprised at these early opinion poll results. “In fact,” it outlines, “most of us have written in a vote for Mary ourselves.”


Unfortunately for the people of UWA, as Mary is not a student and has far more important things to do than act as Guild President at UWA, it will be impossible for her to win the vote. This, I’m sure, won’t stop students from voting for her – for a vote for Mary, is a vote for sanity.


For the tickets running for real in this election, Pelican has this message: firstly, be more like Mary; and secondly, please give her something to booth ban you for, she’s gonna get bored otherwise.


EDITOR’S NOTE: this piece is, if you haven’t guessed already, entirely satirical. None of these quotes is real, and don’t try writing in a vote for a candidate on the ballot – that’s not allowed, and Mary will be forced to discard your vote. Do vote though, otherwise I won’t get to spend much time with Mary on counting night this Thursday, and that would be a shame – #MyPresident


Image courtesy of Unsplash.


By Pelican Magazine

Pelican Magazine acknowledges the Whadjuk Noongar people as the Traditional Custodians of the land—Whadjuk Boodja—on which we live, write, and work. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. // Pelican is the second-oldest student publication in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print SIX themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content. // Email your 2024 Editors (Abbey Wheeler and Jack Cross) here: [email protected] // Where to find us: Upstairs in Guild Village. Address: M300, 35 Stirling Highway, Crawley 6009 WA // Pelican Magazine of the UWA Student Guild & The University of Western Australia.

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