Image Description: A table containing multiple jugs and glasses. A large stone jug is on the left, with two glass mugs in the centre. The centre mug has coffee being poured into it. There are small containers on the right side, and many coffee beans spread on the table itself.

 

By Cameron Carr

 

I’ve been a barista for three and a half years now and I truly believe that your hot drink order says a lot about your personality. Here are a few typical orders I observed in my time and what they say about your personality. Maybe. Don’t take this too seriously.

 

Soy Cappuccino

You’re a busy mum who doesn’t have any children or any place you to be. But in that unisex matching ADIDAS set, you certainly look like you do. You only drink Bonsoy soy milk because So Good is so bad.

As you impatiently wait for your takeaway to be made, you look around and see people catching up with friends and wonder for one second of bliss what that would actually feel like. But alas, you have a busy day of picking filters ahead of you.

 

English Breakfast Tea

Posh Spice if she wore Birkenstock’s , you thrive in conversations about farmers markets and expensive boxed water. You don’t take milk in your tea; dairy is for people who live south of the river, not like you in the GT. After not getting into UWA with that 76 ATAR, you’re giving nursing at Notre Dame a shot. You possibly have a British accent, but the closest you’ve got to Europe is buying Twinings decaf.

 

Beetroot/Matcha/ Broccoli Latte

Some people just want to watch the world burn Mr. Wayne. Nobody likes you, and you love complaining for the sake of attention. You’re the Karen of the hot drink world, you’re a succubus who feeds of misery. Probably studying a Juris Doctor. Gemini. Best friends with your dirty KeepCup, assuming you’re even capable of human emotions.

 

Traditional Macchiato

You have plans to move to Melbourne for a few months to give the unemployed life a go. You’re constantly reinventing yourself, but only if you call having a different hair colour every other week reinvention. You can take yourself out of Claremont Quarter, but you can’t take the Claremont Quarter out of you. That surprisingly snobbish personality doesn’t mean you actually have good taste.

 

Latte

Let’s be real, you want to be an Influencer.

The search for that perfect 1.5 cm of foam for your next insta story has left you pretty thirsty. Finding a quality coffee with good lighting for your next brekkie pic leaves you mostly with a cold drink and even colder stares from the queue of people at the door. As your following stagnates, so does your breath; teeth whitening stripes aren’t a substitute for real oral hygiene. Probably studying sports science.

 

Hot Chocolate

As sensual as a warm summer’s day, everyone you meet wants to take you home to meet the parents. You’re fun loving, easy going, and everyone’s jealous you don’t need two shots of caffeine to be a productive member of society. That lipstick stain on the rim of your glass is almost as erotic as the many times you’ve said, “keep the change”. Be wary of ordering a Mocha less your innocent heart be corrupted.

 

Editors note: Cameron has definitely fallen for countless hot chocolate drinkers in his past.

 

Almond Milk Iced Latte

An Arts student with attitude, you aren’t afraid of the next in-class Pols debate. In fact, you thrive off esoteric arguments about whether India is in fact a developing nation. You put UWA as your first preference because it was close to your house and offered Spanish Studies, while never taking a single Spanish class. But with your parents’ impending divorce looming over you, a new life in Bicton is on the horizon. Sad drunk.

 

Long Black

You’re a coffee snob and likely a member of an older generation. You like your coffee like you like human interaction: bitter and offensive to the senses. A proud member of team uninformed, you attend your marketing tutes with twenty years of industry experience having not done a single reading. You wonder why other students groan when you end up in their group for an assignment. Pretty sure Hot Choc just smiled at you though, go say hi.

 

Anything in a Clean Keep Cup

An absolute eco-warrior, you’ve thought about running for Environment Officer countless times (maybe you’ve even done it?). Never one to be outdone, you carry your metal straw with pride. Originally from Dunsborough, no one’s really sure how old you are or what you study. When your main character trait is a plastic drinking vessel, your dating prospects are fairly bleak. Unfortunately for you, a nose piercing isn’t a personality. But at least you have that sick tan bruh.

 

Anything in a Dirty Keep Cup

Just like their keep cups, these people are full of scum. You’re friends with Beetroot/Matcha/ Broccoli Latte and you often wonder why other customers at Reid are giving you evils as the smell of old skim milk wafts through the air. When the Barista asks you to wash your cup before ordering, you threaten to take your business elsewhere. To your shock, the barista agrees and asks the next person in line to step to the front.

 

Part two coming soon…

Image courtesy of Pixabay