By David Paik

This research paper is dedicated to the first-and second-year students of our education imprisonment.

When you start sitting group interviews,

You get to immerse yourself in the weirdest conversations ever.

Those that challenge the very integrity of rationality

Those that challenge the foundations of logic

Those that just make no fuc*%& sense

 

This paper will dive deep into the traditional human behaviours I have observed over my unsuccessful interview career.

  1. The Comedian

It often starts with the question, “what experience have you had that makes you a successful candidate?” The subjects met with this question showcase symptoms of sweating, nausea, and methodical quoting: “This is actually a funny story but…”.

Subject appears to think their story about how they found their extra-curricular activity position through a friend from primary school is funny and even showcases signs of early delusion. I have personally become more aware of this condition as I, myself, have experienced similar symptoms. Often, I found that the fact that I volunteer at a hospital to be a “funny story.” I think I am losing my mind.

2. Talk to win

An interview environment is much like a jungle. Only the fittest and most dominant shall survive. The subjects outlined in this category are those who stand at almost the top of this food chain. The other subjects accompanying this “Talk to win” subject often exhibit symptoms of thirst, silence, and euphoric calm, due to the absolute lack of talking they did during the whole interview. Our primary subject, on the contrary, shows symptoms of dry throat, spit droplets on the face of their laptop, impressed interviewers, and confident smiles. What I find fascinating about this group’s discovery is their absolute ability to speak continuously for almost an hour, much of which I have never seen before, other than that of a Joe Rogan length-ed podcast.

3. The comfort of fashionistas

This is an extremely rare condition. However, it is more common among the younger subjects. I have had the privilege of only observing it once and still await further discoveries from colleagues investigating this phenomenon. The one time I saw it was during an interview for a cinema job. Subjects who exhibit this condition seem to have limiting perceptive ability – i.e. their appearance. I was deeply fascinated by my colleague wearing his gym clothes to a formal interview, and it shocked me to my core when I heard he had charmed the interviewer. These subjects are the elites of our society and only held by those worthy of positions of power.

I only hope that this paper helps you understand interview candidates conceptually.

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