By Bayley Horne
The University of Western Australia (UWA) has continued their recent restructuring of courses after presenting a paper titled, “School of Aquatic Birds Proposal for Change Consultation.” The paper has called for further slashes in funding towards the universally beloved Reid Library Moat Ducks.
The proposal would see the ducks have their entire funding cut, and be merged into the already existing faculty of the Arts Block Peacocks. No additional funding will be given to either species, with Mother Duck to duckling ratios increasing by 300%.
This decision was championed by P. Cock, a chief advisor to the UWA Senate. They claimed their reasoning was to manage ‘budget sustainability’, but this seems to confirm what we have known for a long time: UWA is a Peacock university.
The ducks have been tenured for well over two decades, maintaining themselves as a department adored by all creatures great and small.
“It is an unfortunate situation, but after much deliberation, this was the only solution we could come to,” UWA Vice-Chancellor Amit Chakma claimed.
“Duck Studies has maintained one of the lowest rates of satisfaction amongst graduates for the past five years, so a shakeup was needed.”
“We think placing them within the Peacock faculty will provide a guiding force, leading them to a better educational experience.”
When asked about how the ducks will provide this “better education experience” without any financial support, the Vice-Chancellor responded, “I like to think that UWA is one big happy family. It’s why I like those Fast & Furious movies so much, all about family…”
He continued mansplaining the plot of F9 while counting his $1 million salary in individual notes like he was Mr. Krabs.
The Australian Union for Duck Interests (AUDI) released this statement earlier today:
“Quack quack. Quack. Quack!”
Translation:
We are very disappointed in the outcome that UWA has reached on Duck Studies. It is, and will remain, a crucial subject that all future Australians should have the opportunity to undertake.
Everyone loves their presence on the Moat and their cute waddling on the grass. They add as much to campus culture as the peacocks do, if not more.
Considering how just last year tuition fees for this course increased by 113%, it is laughable that they would then want to lower the education standards even further on this already underfunded discipline.
We stand with the entirety of the UWA student body in denouncing this shortsighted proposal.
Other issues in the proposal have been pointed out, such as the lack of information about the Black Swans on the Matilda Bay Foreshore, which currently come under the Faculty of Aquatic Birds. But considering the swans don’t have a fun Facebook page dedicated to their whereabouts at all times, it’s safe to say that no one seems to care.
A large protest is planned for the 27th of July, where a traditional Reid Moat jump will be encouraged by all who attend.
More to come.
Bayley Horne thinks more people should have a framed picture of Princess Diana on their wall.