Image Description: A table containing multiple jugs and glasses. A large stone jug is on the left, with two glass mugs in the centre. The centre mug has coffee being poured into it. There are small containers on the right side, and many coffee beans spread on the table itself. Text on the centre reads “Round 2”.
By Cameron Carr
I’ve found writing these somewhat passive aggressive personality diagnoses a fun way to relieve pent up barista anger. So, without further ado, it’s ‘what does your coffee order mean: part two.’
Coconut Milk Turmeric Latte
You’ve essentially just ordered a curry in a coffee. You’re still salty about not making prefect at whatever private school spat you out like yesterdays protein powder. Trying to re-live your Year Eight “glory days” when you had friends means you’re missing out on enjoying today. Almost definitely a librarian at Reid.
Chai Lactose Free Latte
The body is a temple and all those caffeine drinkers better start worshipping. You’re a type A personality combined with more energy than Lindsay Lohan on speed. A social climber, you’ve been a member of Young Labour since before you could even spell CFMEU. But being an activist doesn’t mean you’re actually educated, try reading a book for once that doesn’t have vampire in the title.
Anything with Sweetener
Catching a cold from the ice inside your soul? That’s probably why you’re ingesting artificial crap when sugar was just fine. Filling the void in your life with overly sweet coffee? Perhaps a change of pace is all you need. Consider studying part-time, or better yet, give the limited Barry J. Marshall floorspace a favour and drop out altogether.
Anything that’s Decaf
You’re at a crossroads in your life, too confused to understand that decaf offers neither energy nor good flavour. You’re clearly stressed out and introspective, and you don’t have the self-confidence to just order a juice or hot chocolate like all those cool kids. Consider changing degrees, majoring in Psychology cause you love Law and Order: SVU may not have been the best choice.
Cold Pressed Juice
The way you purse those lips as you slurp on that straw says it all. You’re sexy and you know it, strutting around in those $20 joggers from a Cotton On clearance sale. It’s unclear how you got into UWA, let alone any kind of educational institution with your shocking grammar. You’re studying Education to inspire the next generation of strippers, and you’re casually seeing Coconut Milk Turmeric Latte but unsure if you want to take it all the way.
Congratulations, you’ve just spent $4 on foam! That money would’ve been better spent going into little Ava’s trust fund. A true helicopter parent, no dunes under restoration can ruin your perfect family picnic down at Cott. You’ve recently noticed your kids acting out more than usual, better switch to Soymilk and extra fish oil before bed. Fake besties with Flat White.
Long Mac ¾ Topped Up
You’re a lycra adorned lunatic, whose bike tyres are almost as filthy as that spandex is tight. Hunting in packs, you leave your bikes haphazardly around the café with no consideration for emergency exits. Much like your intelligence, your coffee order is 25 percent less than most. But never fear, so long as there’s a need for white corporate ‘Yes men’ with no respect for hospitality workers, you’ll be fine! Biz school dropout.
Double Espresso Extra Shot
A busy little bumble bee, you’ve got places to be and people to see. People love being around your infectious positive attitude and radiant smile. You’re a joy to be around and you hide the fact that you’re working the balcony at Ave most Thursday nights. But while the smell of coffee is strong, the stench of tobacco is stronger. It’s time to come clean to your parents about your addiction, or at least switch to menthols.
Skinny Cap No Chocolate Sprinkles
Someone’s hurt you. You blame yourself for the mistakes of others; allowing yourself to derive no happiness in life. Your coffee order is a cry for help. Consider getting on Tinder to put yourself back out there. But remember you can’t expect the person who hurt you to be the person who heals you, so stay away from Guild elections for a while.
Image courtesy of Canva