Image Description: Eddie McGuire and David ‘Kochie’ Koch in the midst of an intense debate, with a small image of Mick Malthouse between them.
By Campbell Williamson
The mildly prejudiced case against your team for this season.
The Crows – Unless the Adelaide coaching staff have been breeding an unstoppable army of Tex Walkers, complete with mullet, then their outcomes for this season are looking pretty grim. A bunch of pretenders. Will still do better than Geelong.
Brizzy Lions – I guess Chris Fagan seems like a decent enough bloke and it would be a hoot to see one of the Gold Coast teams do something for once, maybe it will be enough to justify all those years of irrelevance.
Carltank FC – I’ll say this, Mick Malthouse was never given the chance to properly implement his innovative ‘great leap forward’ and for that the club has suffered immensely. Unfortunately, the ‘Teague Train,’ or whatever BS marketing tagline the Carlton eggheads have come up with now, will not be enough to compensate for a lack of skill.
Eddie Maguires Mob – On the plus side, ever since Nathan Buckley decided to grow himself a sense of humour the club’s been doing alright. On the other hand, every time Eddie Maguire speaks a fairy dies and that fact alone will be enough to see them out of contention. Hotseat was good but, I’ll pay that.
Big Dons FC – With Joe Daniher being involuntarily held in the forward line by a hefty pay check and the surprising grip-strength of John Worsfold, Essendon are sure to be back to their middling best in 2020.
That WA Team who Ross Lyon Used to Coach – The other West Australian team is all set to continue being forgettable. Scrounging out an existence in the background is sort of Fremantle’s bread and butter. It’s genuinely unfortunate that in 2020 they won’t have Harley ‘Pie in the sky’ Bennell to provide some distraction.
Geelong FC – How has Chris Scott not been sacked yet? Seriously. All he’s done in forever is paper mache over his team’s failings with Gary Ablett this and Patrick Dangerfield that. With these players getting well past their use-by, I can’t wait to see this dumpster fire in 2020.
Gold Coast – After the balding disaster that was Rodney ‘Rocket’ Eade, anything will be an improvement for this squad.
GWS – I think this team has done enough. All of Australia saw them shit the bed on national TV and I don’t think we need to see it again.
Hawthorn – I don’t know what Alastair Clarkson is cooking up now. Given his track record, I’m not ready to rule out the possibility that Hawthorn will achieve their ultimate goal of world domination by season’s end.
Melbourne FC – No, I don’t think so.
North Melbourne – Glad they got rid of the embarrassment Brad Scott and I’m a big believer in Rhyce Shaw. I like his style.
Port – I can’t wait for Kochie to fire the board and finally grant himself emergency powers when this team finishes dead-last. You just know that he’s been threatening to do it ever since they started going downhill. I for one welcome our new Sunrise overlord.
Richmond – Jesus. I’m so sick of this teams boring grand-finals and their boring, clinical yet somehow incredibly stylish football. It sickens me. Richmond to be benched in 2020.
That Victorian Team Ross Lyon used to Coach – A real mob of true-blue Aussie battlers who have done nothing since blowing their shot in 2010 and will do so again.
Sydney Swans – Man they really aren’t gonna let Lance Franklin retire, are they? I give him two rounds before he busts a knee or something. The guy’s body is clearly shot, but Sydney’s still doing everything in their power to keep him dancing. Still, that’s show biz baby.
Wet Toast – Despite no crowds, West Coast supporters are still hoping to boo their way to victory in season 2020.
Western Bulldogies – To win, all of the Bulldog’s 2016 premiership players will need to sacrifice their premiership medals in a great bonfire offering to their new god, Bob Murphey. He, in turn, may grant the team good fortune in the year to come. At the very least he will provide a prolonged monsoon season and help yield bountiful crops.
Team Covid-19 – The only thing that might have a chance of stopping the Tigers in 2020. I smell another lopsided grandy.
Campbell Williamson thinks the AFL should bring back the five-minute warning.