Image Description:An elderly lady with glasses in a wide brimmed hat.


By Campbell Williamson


Aunty Chez has done it again.

The iron-willed retiree today continued to ignore the advice of the so-called ‘scientific experts’ in favour of her own home-grown science.

Despite epidemiologists’ warnings that people will be contagious with Covid-19 during the incubation period and that some people will be asymptomatic, Chez says that doesn’t apply to her. Having earned her degree from the school of hard-knocks, she knows what she’s talking about.

“People need to get a grip. I have no symptoms so how can I be contagious? Huh?!” Wheezed Cheryl, the bag of air. “Besides, no pandemic is going to stop me from hugging my grandkids or my sister or my elderly neighbour, Georgios. Serious heart condition my ass, Georgios!”

“I tell you what, that Scott Morrison can stick it right up him. I mean… he’s gotta be joking if he thinks that any 1.5 meters exclusion zone will stop Aunty Chez. Hey, do you reckon there’s any beers around?”

Cheryl continued to drone on to our reporters, ad nauseum, with rambling comments about how this crisis is actually both a beat-up and an opportunity. The phrase “Chez knows best” featured heavily.

Our reporters asked the ever-hovering Dan Quilbee, Cheryl’s brother in-law and a man who looks a bit like a beanstalk, for a few words.

“Chez has a terrible temper,” Dan whispers before an uncomfortably long pause. “I mean you can tell her how it really is, but you might as well go talk to the wind.” Our interview with Mr. Quilbee was unfortunately cut-short by a cantankerous Cheryl who burst into the room, mumbled something about “the booze,” and dragged beanstalk Dan off and away.

More on this story as it unfolds.


Campbell Williamson thinks you should watch season 4 of The Simpsons.

Image courtesy of Unsplash

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican is one of the oldest student publications in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print six themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content.

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