Exams will be here soon, a stressful time of year. Personally, when I’m feeling worn out by study, I like to walk to somewhere quiet and sit down. So in the hopes that maybe you too will find solace in beauty, I would like to share with you some of my favourite places here on campus. Places to sit, be silent, rejuvenate, and think about how fricking much I hate Mitchel Swanberg, with his dumb face and his dumb hair.


The Sunken Gardens

Nestled in the northwest corner of campus, the Sunken Gardens are a beautiful outdoor theatre which evoke a fairy-tale Arcadia. I like to sit on the steps and take my shoes off. That way you can feel the cool firmness of the limestone on your legs and the soft grass under your feet. Oftentimes I sit and let my mind drift away to happy times, before Mitch Swanberg slept with Carol and they took the kids. Remember to bring mosquito spray!


The Tropical Grove

I’m not a spiritual person, but when I visit the tropical grove, I cannot help but feel something sacred. Hear the gentle choirboy trill of the birds and gaze up at the trees. See them tower over you, parental and constant. Feel the dappled sunlight filter in as though through stained glass. You feel small, but loved. Like you are a young boy being hugged by your father. Small in a good way, not like that time in Year Four when Mitch Swanberg came over to you at lunchtime and poured tomato sauce in your hair. You didn’t wanna fight him because even though you were a year older, he was bigger than you. Well I know judo now, Mitch!


Matilda Bay

Matilda Bay is not strictly on campus, but I could not ignore one of the most beautiful places I know. Even though I’ve visited Matilda Bay countless times since I was a young boy, the place never ceases to astound me. A truly beautiful place unfolds its beauty to you again and again. I’ll tell you a story. It was the middle of exams, and late at night. I left Reid to take a stroll and found myself down by the shore near the tearooms. I looked out across the river. And the little lights from the little boats danced on the ripples and the boats looked like paper boats out there all alone. The whole thing shimmered like it was alive. All the cruel stress and the private school competitiveness of my law exams seemed unimportant for a few minutes. A beautiful place unfolds its beauty to you again and again. You who is reading this, we are coming to a very stressful time in semester. I hope you can take the chance to step away and see some beauty in the world. Please. Unless you’re Mitch Swanberg, then you is a pee-pee brain.


The author of this article has requested to remain anonymous. He is worried that if he reveals his name then Mitch Swanberg won’t accept his invitation to the annual Sharp Objects Jamboree this December. Merry Christmas, Mitchy!

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