This is an extract from my recently submitted International Relations doctoral thesis. For the full list please meet me at Reid car park. Come alone.
Tied for Last Place: Pope Francis and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
The Pope and the Dalai Lama are the only two world leaders who canonically must not have fucked. Pope Francis has also released a Christian prog-rock album, which possibly makes him doubly celibate.
- Narendra Modi – India
Had to do a little digging on this one but I’m pretty confident Modi doesn’t fuck. In addition to looking like everyone’s Indian grandpa, his Wikipedia page even makes reference to the fact his “marriage was never consummated, and he kept it a secret because otherwise he could not have become a ‘pracharak’ in the puritan Rashtriya Swayamsewak Sangh.” Dude is relatable as hell.
- Ilham Aliyev – Azerbaijan
I am convinced Aliyev is an incel. His children look nothing like him and his aggressive posturing toward Armenia over the contested Nagorna-Karabakh region is indicative of 56 years of pent up sexual frustration.
- Pierre Nkurunziza – Burundi
Since the 2015 coup attempt, old mate Pierre has been cracking down on physical activities like jogging in public that might be used as cover for more subversion. Subversion under the covers is more like it. Does not fuck.
- Scott Morrison – Australia
Despite being Australia’s youngest PM in decades, Scott Morrison still manages to look like the sort of guy who would have sent a VHS taped dating profile into lonely-hearts agencies in the 90’s. “Hi I’m Scotty, but my friends and media stooges call me Sco Mo. I like long walks on the beach and discrimination. And I’m looking for love.”
- Theresa May – UK
Equally incapable of pelvic rhythm and acts of love. Insists on using the pull-out method. Would be lower on the list but vague references to “running through a field of wheat” as a girl could be a coded reference to sexual experimentation.
- Mohamed Magariaf – Libya
Very unlucky to be the first Libyan president since Captain Fuck himself, Muammar Gaddafi. While I’m sure Mohamed is a perfectly enthusiastic lover, there’s just no way he can compete with the big man with the little green book.
- Abdulaziz Bouteflika – Algeria
While I’m not confident that Bouteflika has fucked recently, one look at his cheery Southern-Med face is enough to tell you that, yeah, the guy’s been there and done it. In the next chapter of my thesis I’ll be ranking the North African independence leaders in order of attractiveness so stay tuned.
- Benjamin Netanyahu
Have it on good authority that he demands to be called ‘Bibi’ in bed. Is in a toxic dom/sub relationship with five million Palestinians. Always annexes the duvet when you’re in bed together.
- Angela Merkel – Germany
She may be hugely polarising to the German voting population but even her harshest critics agree that Merkel has off the charts levels of BDE. This cannot be refuted.
- Xi Jinping – China
You don’t get called Daddy Xi by 1.4 billion people if you don’t have the sexual reputation to back it up. Not to mention he’s been fucking the Uighurs and the Tibetans basically non-stop. He also initiated China’s ‘One Belt One Road’ policy, the first ever trade initiative named after a sex act.
- Paul Kagame – Rwanda
Basic checklist of what Women want:
- Tall
- Handsome
- Stopped a Genocide
- Speaks French
- Well Dressed
- Chairperson of the AU
Paul continues to set unrealistic standards for lesser men. How are we supposed to compete?
- Emmanuel Macron – France
Emmy Mac is living out his adolescent wet dream of getting together with his high-school literature teacher. It’s no surprise that he’s first on this list, following in the proud tradition of other famous French chads like Nicolas Sarkozy, Francois Mitterrand and famous sex maniac Charles ‘dese ballz’ de Gaulle.
Hugh Hutchison
Bio: While writing this article I had to look up how to spell ‘car park.’ Please do not tell anybody.