I’ve never believed in the phenomenon of the cheese dream. I kind of thought that an adult claiming wild dreams after a bit too much jarlsberg was kind of the grown up equivalent of the weird kid you went to school with experiencing ‘sugar highs’, or whatever. But, I live in a house of twenty-somethings who are all gradually peeling off and joining the Real World, and as such we often indulge in a cheese platter. Last night, I ate so much triple cream brie that I wished for death, and after, I experienced my very first cheese dream.

Though it felt real, I knew it was a dream because I was engaging in team sports. My team and I were standing on an oval, being talked down by our slimy, sweaty coach. He had a thick moustache and wore tiny shorts. All of a sudden, a helicopter appeared directly above us, the force throwing us up against a wall. A person emerged from inside; reaching out with two hands and plucking the coach, head first, out of the group. The helicopter flew away, Coach dangling underneath. We didn’t see him again.

On Day 3 of guild elections, we’re still in the midst of the campaign blackout period. Plans are being made, strategies devised, and helicopters fuelled up all behind closed doors. Our sources tell us that yesterday, 2013 Guild President, Labor party member, and STAR heavyweight Cameron Barnes paid the Guild a visit, and sat down with current Women’s Officer, fellow Labor party member, and STAR’s 2016 Education Council President candidate Emma Boogaerdt for no less than three hours. Three hours! What could they have been talking about for that long? Some possibilities:

  • They’d both recently seen Straight Outta Compton
  • New York Times think pieces
  • Maroon 5’s forthcoming greatest hits album
  • When is Gorman going to branch into menswear?
  • The Miley Cyrus/Nicki Minaj feud and race relations in pop music
  • What they each planned to purchase from the new H&M store at Lakeside Joondalup

As for our friends at Launch, preferences are the order of the day, with our sources suggesting that ECOMS Treasurer and Ordinary Guild Councillor (OGC) candidate Miguel Forjaz is to receive virtually all of the ticket’s preferences this year, raising suspicions that he will be next year’s presidential candidate. It’s also been suggested that Launch will preference OGC candidates Steph Munro and Liam Staltari nice’n’high. Nobody has bothered to ask about my preferences, which are that none of this was happening at all.

Who’ll be abducted by the guild election helicopter? What will I dream about tonight? Send your election goss and dream stories to [email protected]

Words by Lucy Ballantyne

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican Magazine acknowledges the Whadjuk Noongar people as the Traditional Custodians of the land—Whadjuk Boodja—on which we live, write, and work. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. // Pelican is the second-oldest student publication in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print SIX themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content. // Email your 2024 Editors (Abbey Wheeler and Jack Cross) here: [email protected] // Where to find us: Upstairs in Guild Village. Address: M300, 35 Stirling Highway, Crawley 6009 WA // Pelican Magazine of the UWA Student Guild & The University of Western Australia.

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