Pelican’s journalistic integrity has been called into question in recent days, with weighty accusations flying around that we are “not taking this seriously”. To prove our naysayers wrong, we present our first official Guild Candidate Interview, with Stephen from the Uranus 2016 Party.
So, Stephen, tell us the news!
“Call me steve. Well i’ve been at UWA for a while now and I guess since everybody else does it it must be might turn to be in the guild thing. So I have decided to have a go at the 2015 UWA Guild Competition. I’ve started a party called Uranus, and I am running as a guild man candidate!”
What about your name and colour?
“well tbh I haven’t read the rule books yet but I’m just going by what I’ve seen from the other teams, and it seems you have to have a space related name to compete in the carnival so that’s why I chose Uranus.
I chose brown as my faction colour because I couldnt choose red or green for obvious reasons, I really like the colour blue but I couldn’t choose that haha you know, after last year I feel like it just wouldn’t be a great choice so soon. As weve seen you gotta rebrand and start fresh!”
You realise this is an election for guild, and not a sports carnival, right?
“haha look I don’t claim to know a lot about whats going on but Im just going off what I saw last year with everybody dressing in their faction colour and screaming their clever thought out chants and trying to get the most points for their team. It just reminded me of back in the good old days in primary school you know. But I guess it must be different to that because looking at last year the team that yelled the most didn’t get very far”
If elected, what will Uranus bring to the table?
“I havent thought too much about my policies yet, I dont really get how guild works. But what I can assure you of is i’m not a young lib.
I guess the only things people really care about are food that doesn’t make you have to use the uni toilets more than necessary and wifi that works. so I’ll tell people I will get those. Maybe something about the tav too to get the engineers votes. I might build a bridge across to Reid cafe too, I think thatd be nice. I might put those homeless people deterring spikes in the ground around the stairs of reid too so those social people stop loitering and asking you to join their cult and buy a newspaper
so yeah I don’t have a lot of policies yet but ive got a good slogan though, so hopefully that will draw the voters in, it goes something like this: Uranus is for the people, we support all of you, every part of you even ur anus”
You’ve got some tough competition – how do you feel about the other candidates?
“Yeah its actually all quite intimidating, im not sure how much of a chance I’ve got. The other teams really know how to be a great guild person and make you notice them, whether its on 8 social media platforms, pretending to care about you, posters, littering, getting in your way, lecture banging they’ve got the whole package
I don’t have very good editing software so im currently using MS Paint for my campaign media so Im definitely more o’ naturale and raw than the other teams and I’ve only got a nokia E63 so cant really use snapchat or anything.
Rhys Tucker can grow a pretty nice beard whereas I still look about 14y/o some days. I have this weird bald patch just under my chin so cant really grow a beard without it looking gross
I’m pretty sure I can grow a better beard than Maddie though, so Ive got a chance at beating her. I didn’t get anywhere near as many likes on my campaign profile shot as she did though.
kallen of the birthday party is gonna be tough to beat, promising cake to everyone on their birthday. Though he hasn’t got a huge party so perhaps we could work together
I saw Dominic Cockman was running too, I don’t know if that was just a joke haha, but he seems like a nice man, I don’t know much about his policies but he got quite a few likes on his profile picture and he had nice sunnies”
Have you got any big plans for the campaign?
“I definitely have to up my campaign presence so im thinking about making a really high quality video of me walking around campus aggressively whilst eating a fruit salad. Alternatively I might make a really poor quality video of me standing in a field or being quirky in an office, I havnt quite decided.
I didn’t compete in the UWA guild argument contest on Wednesday because the only people that actually listen to it are the other candidates, and obviously they aren’t going to vote for me no matter how good I can yell at them and wank myself off infront of them haha sorry
I wont lecture smash because i thought it was obvious people didn’t like it, but oh well. I quite like the environment so I probably wont print off lots of paper with my face and faction colour on it like everybody else, maybe I’ll just print of like 5 or something and ask everybody to pass them on once they’ve finished looking.
it seems around election time all the candidates are your best friend and they are everywhere around campus but then when elections are over they forget you exist. I guess ill probably have to do that too to get votes because people will think I care about them for a while before they vote”
Any final words?
“I would really like to win but mostly I just hope all the teams have a really fun time.
Vote 1 Stephen McGrath Guild Man Candidate
Think with ur head! Vote with Uranus!”
haha this is really good but i’m actually so fucking lonely