In an unprecedented show of unity, parties STAR, Launch and Left Action have reportedly banded together to demand the introduction of an underground rail line as a high priority action from the UWA Student Guild next year.

They cite the introduction of a Subway restaurant outlet to campus this year as the result of a huge cock-up and later cover-up by the Guild, dating back to 2011. Allegedly, the key liaison in the process struck up contract negotiations with the fast food giant prematurely, failing to confirm with management that it was subway with a capital, corporate ‘s’, or subway with a lower-case, underground-implying ‘s’. Rumoured reasons behind this fatal bungle abound; the most popular being that the Guild agent had driven a Toyota Prius their entire life and simply forgotten that public transport existed; that they were feeling peckish at the time; and that the decision was actually one of deliberate, premeditated malice as a penalty for the candidates’ use of Americanised language.

“As if we would ask to have a smelly sandwich bar wafting its weird doughy scent about the grounds!” ejaculated STAR presidential candidate Nevin Jayawardena. “Students deserve better than gristly chicken bits stuffed in a wad dissolving in its own sadness. I mean, if we’d really wanted a fast food joint, we’d have totally gone for Maccas instead.”

“What we all want – what we have always wanted – is quick, easy locomotion from our homes to our early morning classes,” concurred Launch’s Wei Tien Sng. “Where our party stands out is in its pledge to voters to extend this campaign initiative even further. If elected, we will fight to incorporate an intra-campus line, such that business students can hit the gym after lunch to work on their quads, and still be able to make it back to their BUSN1001: Bam! And the Scam is Gone afternoon course at 2.”

The Left Action candidate Nick Brown also had a lot to say on the matter. However, he has demanded that if his statement is not printed along with the full Capital: Vol. 1 tract by Marx and a gif of him stamping on an Italian meatball footlong with a worker’s boot over and over again, over and over so that its meaty innards squelch out everywhere on this barren, corrupted soil we risibly call a University, that we not even bother.

We have not bothered.

Whilst the campaign policy has yet to be publically endorsed by the NTEU, a representative has remarked that they would back any transport schemes which will “put an end to the Parking Spot Wars that have to date claimed so many student lives.”

The Guild has, however, knocked back the allegations as “preposterous”.

“This is idiot electioneering and institutional self-sabotage. When the idea for a Subway was initially put on the table, we listened carefully to the demands of student representatives, and have subsequently accommodated and executed them almost to the letter. Okay, so it’s taken a bit long – but what a great, insatiable hunger for various salad and sauce options built up in the interim! We can this day declare with full confidence that Subway has been an enormous success, having established itself as an integral part of campus life and diet. Where once students stayed at home, watching lectures online and making their own DIY sloppy, amateurish fare – putting vegemite with popcorn, mayonnaise with mince – they now arrive in droves just to sit on Oak Lawn and eat their Subway, alone or with friends. Incredible! Neither it nor any other private catering outlet has meant our catering revenue is fucked.”

At this last point, our sources wipe their hands across their chipotle-stained mouths and laugh.

Words by Kate Prendergast

Give us your goss, my gosslings. Whisper it to [email protected].

Oh! And also dudes, be sure to pick up your own free Mythic edition of Pelican! It’s free, and jammin’ and can be found on stands around campus.

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican is one of the oldest student publications in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print six themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content.

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