Voting starts tomorrow. So does my cat’s gum disease treatment. Both signify pain.

In related news, a source close to Launch has confirmed that their website has indeed been shelved. “They put a fresher in charge – made some big cock-ups,” they tells us. Also confirmed: not all coding prodigies are like, 13.

The team is apparently saying web means fuck all (because which voter actually seeks out policy), and will be hitting the ground hard tomorrow instead. “Mood in camp is very optimistic, online voting has hit a chord with voters,” says our insider, in a language military, brusque and urgent, and therefore wholly appropriate to a Launch infiltrator/survivor.

Our summary analysis of campaign week is: mostly a circle-jerk.

ICYCBARP (in case you couldn’t be arsed reading the policy) here is a summary of both party’s campaign platforms, together with their leaders as depicted in their true form.

Words n shit by Kate Prendergast

Chuck your hot tipz in trash can marked [email protected].

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