I’ll begin by saying hello to our friends at the Federal Department of Parliamentary Services – who are apparently big fans of these posts, according to the Pelican website’s stat counter. God help this country.

Are you a fresher? A relatively popular one, perhaps? Well liked amongst your cohort? Active in your faculty’s club or society? Are you – oh Lord, it pains me to say it, but I must, I must go on – a junior BNOC? Then you were probably targeted by one of the two major tickets in this election to run as a paper candidate (unless you write for Pelican – that doesn’t help your chances much at all, sorry).

Maybe you were targeted while drinking at popular Western Suburbs pick up destination The Claremont (colloquially, The Mont). And, well, given your young age and relative inexperience, perhaps you’d had one too many pints. Things were getting pretty merry. And someone shoved a form in your face, muttering in your ear that it was a “postal vote application”. And you signed it. Because you’re a good guy! And, mere weeks later, you found yourself running in the 2015 UWA Student Guild Election. Kafkaesque.

A couple of sources have come forward with this story, but given the weight of the circumstances, we’re reluctant to print the names and affiliations of those involved right now. If you are another young virile fresher who was targeted in a similar way by a hack, then do get in touch. We’re happy to publish your story, and to keep it anonymous – but we can’t promise not to judge you a bit for frequenting the Claremont.

In not entirely unrelated news, we hear that STAR’s younger paper candidates are dropping like flies. Some of them, it seems, didn’t quite understand what they were in for. Sure wasn’t a bloody postal vote.

I want to lighten the mood now with a song. It’s EDM, a genre of which I now have a vast understanding, following my viewing of the Zac Efron film We Are Your Friends. Take a listen.

https://soundcloud.com/alaska-wainwright/this-is-an-outrage

Ah – even such beautiful music cannot mask the unmistakable sounds of a total fucking meltdown. What you’re hearing is 2014 Curtin Student Guild President Sam Cavallaro losing his shit at a Curtin guild council meeting earlier this year. After quitting his position there, he apparently signed up to run with UWA’s Left Action party in this election. You’ll find him on the ballot as an Ordinary Guild Council candidate. So bear that in mind, I guess, come voting time.

I sure hope that David McCann gives this post his blessing! It’s hard for me to sleep well at night without his approval. Anon tips to pelican@guild.uwa.edu.au – keep ‘em coming.

Words by Kat Gillespie