Yesterday in the Pelican office, our ninth viewing of Taylor Swift’s new video was interrupted by loud clapping and chanting coming from the Sue Boyd Room. Because we prefer to maintain the fantasy that we go to Curtin, the Pelican team is pretty bad at keeping tabs on campus gossip, so actually the animalistic noises were pretty useful in that they alerted us to the fact that something ‘important’ was going on. We put on our Journalist Hats and went to check out the shitshow/CHASE THE STORY. Then I realised my phone was out of charge, so I went back to the office for a while. Then I felt tired, so I went to get a blended iced green tea from the Ref, but the machine had been turned off for the day. It was a bummer. I could tell they’d just switched it off as well, and like if I’d pushed it a bit more they would have switched it back on, but I didn’t have time to argue the toss because I was kind of concerned that my friend was going to faint in the presence of Charlie Viska’s godlike jawline if left unsupervised. So I went back to the Sue Boyd Room, where the clapping and chanting was as deafening as ever.
Maybe that sequence of events was really boring to read, but I assure you that it wasn’t as boring as watching a bunch of 20 year olds dressed up in high school swimming carnival regalia figuratively wank each other off. Which was what was happening in the Sue Boyd Room. Is that harsh? I’m just bitter because I’ve never felt as passionate about anything as these people do about student government. Genuinely, I’m a husk. It’s pretty sad.
So, the chanting and stuff was some kind of very special Guild election ritual. There was a woman from the Electoral Commission, and she was reading out the names on the ballot. She didn’t look happy to be there. She definitely fought hard to get out of that shift, hey. She probably tried to like, pull a family emergency. The Head of the Guild, Tony, was also there. He was kind of loving it, I think. You’d have to, wouldn’t you? Probably reminds him of his Golden Years. By the way, did you know that the Guild employs a corporate CEO type figure? I didn’t realize until this year. I genuinely entertained fantasies that the Guild was run by the student reps.
In case you actually came to this column to be informed, I’ll chuck some quickie info your way. Firstly, Liberty (the conservative party) have rebranded this year. They’re now called Launch, as in Failure To. Also, their new colour is red? I dunno how much self awareness is going on there. If they are hoping that uninformed lefties are going to vote for them by mistake, they’ve made a pretty dud move. People at this university HATE socialists. 50% of the submissions that Pelican receives are tirades against the Socialist Alternative.
Also, 2013 presidential candidate Cameron Payne #CamPayne has split from Liberty Launch to head up a new party representing college students. Did anybody think this through? Whatever.
I don’t have any Star (less conservative party) gossip, but they all seem hella stressed. Lizzie Long has implied that she has truth tea to spill.
Check back in tomorrow for more clickbait, and send your ‘hot election goss’ to email@example.com. Anonymity guaranteed 😉
Words by Kat Gillespie