Artwork by Sally Thomas
By Holly Carter Turner
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, you are a Christmas cracker (sometimes specifically the cracker hat). You come in with a bang and are an iconic part of Christmas. Everyone loves you and wants to win your prizes even though you are usually full of shit. You play a special role in bringing people together as you are made to be shared by a pair, and we bond over your jokes, even if they can be lame.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus are fancy plates. They are not purely symbolic of Christmas, as they may make appearances throughout the year, but instead encapsulate the coming together of people to share a fancy meal and have a good time. They also represent celebrations through the ages and traditions as they get handed down from generation to generation.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Gemini, you are the tree. Your branches carry the weight of the world as you decorate yourself with all the babbles and lights. You are socialites that often feel it is your job to manage the chaos of Christmas. Some more confident central trees (like those found in shopping centres) are beautifully decorated on all sides; others, which are a bit shyer, hide their flaws by backing themselves into corners. Often their quirky branches hold the most special ornaments, like the toilet paper reindeer made in year five.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Cancers are often called paternal, so who better to represent them than those lurking elves on a shelf. Busted out at least a month ahead of time, their aim is to incentivise kids to behave. They also provide parents with the pleasure of pranking their kids and having someone else to blame it on, which suits the jester-like side of Cancer that loves to stir the pot.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, it is undeniable that you must be the star. Now I am not saying you always are the star, but I feel like you would kick up the most extravagant stink if you weren’t in this case. In saying that, your burning passion to be the best, much like a star, means you will do the role proud. You can be a bit full on and your points could take an eye out, but the tree feels naked without you. Go sleigh, Queen. We know you can.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo, you are the lights. You come in a box all tangled up, and while it can take time to figure you out, it is worth it because we know you will light up the room if we do. Lights also help spread the spirit and unite the neighbourhood as we are all drawn in like moths and goggle at the pretty decorations. It could be a whole roof full, or it could just be a tiny string, but we see you x.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Libra, the stocking, an undervalued Christmas experience. Presents hog the glory of being “the real fun”, but you often contain some of the more special gifts. The stocking holds a mix of goods, from essentials like socks to random gifts that are too small to give but someone still wanted you to have. You are the balance of necessity and pleasure.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Scorpio, you are baubles. Hanging from the tree, trying to convince yourself the star would be nothing without you, which is somewhat true but misses the point. You do a respectable job of seeming put together, but this Christmas, don’t put so much pressure on yourself! Enjoy hanging out and worry more about staying on your branch than trying to swing onto someone else’s. Baubles tend to shatter when they fall, which is damaging to you and your loved ones.
Sagittarius (November 21 – December 21)
Sagittarius. Tinsel! Easy! FUN! Yet we know we will spend the next month vacuuming you out of the carpet and finding bits of you scattered around the living room and stuck to clothes. While this is a pain, it prolongs the memories of Christmas as we fondly pick you up and reminisce about the festivities on our way to drop you into the bin.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn – the presents! Of course, there are gifts inside, but it is the opening experience that is truly special. Handing out and unwrapping the collection of mishmash paper, bows, boxes, and bags, and then seeing the reactions, is when the memories are made. Aunty Jane loves recycling magazines. Mum and dad were tired and forgot to wrap Santa’s gifts in a different colour (now Timmy is suspicious). Terry insisted on just handing the grandkids unwrapped cash (which they loved), and David gave everyone gifts snuggly wrapped in cable ties and duct tape (which they did not love).
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius, you always beat to the sound of your own drum and maybe it is because you are one? Or maybe, you are a gingerbread man? Or a candy cane? Aquarius, you represent all those other little bits of Christmas that might not get noticed when they are there but would be missed if they were gone. Like a homemade handprint angle, you might be a bit weird, but it would not feel right without you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, you are a candle. You fill the room with beautiful Christmas smells and love to shine brightly, lighting up the Christmas feast. There is a different magic that comes with a candle’s light, and while you may not have as many colours as those on the tree, this adds to your beauty. As the night wears on, your fuse may be drained, and when the festivities end and you have slumped into a tired puddle of wax, you are content knowing you did your best.