Can’t be bothered to read up on the policy platforms of all seventeen parties contesting in this year’s state election? Read up on what they voted for in the most important election of the year instead!*

*N.B. This is 100% satirical and 98% based on ~vibe checks~

Labor – Booster Seat by Spacey Jane

This one’s pretty self-explanatory – Mark McGowan has his finger on the pulse of what the people of WA want (or, at least, his social media intern does). Naturally, the king of the hard border had to vote for a hometown hero, and who better than Spacey Jane? After all, they’re the only Western Australians whose rise to prominence over the past year has rivalled Marky Mark’s.

Liberal – Heat Waves by Glass Animals

Rather than selecting his favourite songs of the year, old mate Zak Kirkup has carefully curated his votes based on the Sportsbet multi that his mate Jono assured him was a “sure thing”. While he’s a bit miffed at Triple J for moving the countdown from January 26, Zak is excited to have another excuse to post an Instagram story of a Single Fin next to the pool with the caption “Day For It 🤙”.

Nationals Dance Monkey by Tones and I

Unfortunately, the NBN hasn’t quite made it out to regional WA yet, so The Nationals’ votes for 2019’s Hottest 100 have only just come through. Still, they want everyone to know that they think Dance Monkey is a catchy tune, and that they’re going to fax their 2021 votes in on Monday, so hopefully they make it in on time for next year’s countdown.

Greens – write-in vote by ‘You Probably Haven’t Heard of Them’

I am actually not cool enough to have ever heard the Greens’ top pick, which is exactly the way they like it – if someone like me knew the highly experimental, side-trance song they voted for, it would automatically be too mainstream to ever listen to again. The Greens didn’t even listen to the countdown because they were too tired after waiting in line until 3am at Outer Body/Oochie Coochie/Garbage TV to pretend they were in a warehouse in Berlin, rather than a warehouse in Perth.

One Nation – WAP by Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion

They thought it stood for ‘White Australia Policy’, but when they realised their mistake and tried to message the Triple J Facebook page to retract their vote, they found they’d been blocked. No matter though, because their ‘Change the Date’ (of the Hottest 100) protest outside ABC’s Perth office on the 23rd of January was a great success – it had seven attendees (four of whom were ABC employees just trying to get to work).

Shooters, Fishers and Farmers Party – I’m Good by Hilltop Hoods

Much like the Hilltop Hoods themselves, no one actually knows anyone who admits to voting for the Shooters, Fishers and Farmers party, and yet they always manage to finagle a seat or two. Despite both the Hilltops and the SFFs having a fairly niche core demographic of middle-aged men, no-one seems to have strong objections to either, which is an achievement in itself, regardless of what the polls say.

Australian Christians – Righteous by Juice WRLD

The Australian Christians are really looking to increase their youth outreach this election cycle, so when they heard about this Hottest 100 thing they chose the most pious-sounding song title of the lot and posted it on their social media. Luckily, since their primary form of musical consumption is old cassette tapes of gospel music, none of the ACs have actually heard the song they voted for yet.

No Mandatory Vaccination Party – Don’t Get Caught Up by Ziggy Alberts

Who else could the No Mandatory Vaccination Party vote for but the patron saint of anti-vax, anti-5G, anti-having-a-coherent-thought conspiracies? The fact that this song didn’t actually make the Hottest 100 is clearly the result of collusion between big government, big radio, and big pharma, and you can bet all NMVP members will be heading to their holiday houses/apocalypse bunkers in Byron Bay as soon as the borders with NSW are open.

WAxit Party – to Perth, before the border closes by Julia Jacklin

This is the WAxit Party’s swan song before their triumphant victory ushers in a new golden age for the burgeoning nation-state of Western Australia, when those Eastern States blow-ins will have to contend with immigration authorities on top of their government-mandated hotel quarantine.

Socialist Allianceunsure

Since we’ve been on uni holidays, I haven’t been accosted by a member of the Socialist Alliance on my way to class in a while, so I’m thrilled to report I can’t give insight into the minutia of the SA’s Hottest 100 votes (or how Triple J is actually a neoliberal shill).

Editor’s Note: Clea, the Socialist Alliance is NOT the same as the Socialist Alternative. Dear God, it almost seems like this article hasn’t been thoroughly researched and is actually satirical?! I expected better.  

Daylight Saving Party – N/A (missed the voting deadline)

It’s hard to say whether the DSP’s failure to vote in the Hottest 100 was due to principled opposition to the fact that the countdown starts at 9am in WA (as opposed to a much more civilised 10am, as it would if we had daylight savings) or if they simply got mixed up trying to convert the voting deadline from AEDT to AWST.

Liberal Democrats – WITHOUT YOU by the Kid LAROI

Don’t ask me why, but I feel like the Lib Dems have a secret TikTok account that exclusively follows Lil’ Huddy. Plus, this song perfectly marries their disdain for political correctness with their desire to support Indigenous Australians like the Kid LAROI through purely symbolic action, rather than policy.

Sustainable Australia Party – Charlie (Like a Version) by Bugs

As the off-brand, centrist Greens, it’s only fitting that the Sustainable Australia Party voted for an off-brand, all-male cover of Mallrat’s Hottest 100 #3 from last year.

Health Australia Party – No Time to Die by Billie Eilish

This is a cheap shot, but I don’t have the emotional energy to keep reading about anti-vax conspiracy theorists who think that their particular brand of anti-vax conspiracy is so unique and visionary that it requires yet another dedicated political party.

Western Australia Party – Get on the Beers by Mashd N Kutcher ft. Dan Andrews

Since the Western Australia Party is yet to actually win an election, this is based purely on my assessment of their website. In my (professional) opinion, the party appears to be largely made up of white men with no discernible personality traits, making Get on the Beers an obvious favourite for their Hottest 100 pick.

Liberals For Climate (F.K.A. Flux Party) – No Plans to Make Plans by Lime Cordiale 

Party Secretary Daithí Gleeson said it best when he said “Liberals For Climate does not have any policies”. It seems that this party exists almost exclusively to wind up Zak Kirkup, who called the name change “dangerous”, demonstrating the depths of his faith in the reading ability of the Liberal Party’s base.

Animal Justice Party – abstained from voting

The Animal Justice Party are officially boycotting the Hottest 100 until further notice due to ethical concerns over the inclusion of not one, but two songs related to the consumption of slaughtered poultry. The AJP is encouraging Triple J listeners to phone in and request that both Chicken Tenders by Dominic Fike and Hot Chicken by Ocean Alley be taken off the air immediately, lest any innocent chicks tune in by accident.


Clea Sanders is waging a one-woman war against sockettes.

Words by Clea Sanders

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican is the second-oldest student publication in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print six themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content.

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