Image Description: Kobe Bryant and Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender, both look towards the centre of the frame which reads “serious election content”.
By Deni Campbell and Cameron Carr
We’re back and it’s finally over. Welcome to our third and last edition of being shitheads to well-meaning people by assuming we know what they think about nonsensical questions. As this stage, writing these have become grim and all consuming. I can’t stand my own authorial voice, Cam’s stopped replying to my emails, and I haven’t felt the touch of another in six months. Let’s just get on with it then.
Do they endorse utilitarianism?
Dave: He believes that utilitarianism is pretty complex, but when it comes to the trolley problem he’d split from the main track.
Emma: She believes that utilitarianism is pretty complex, but when it comes to the trolley problem she’d stick to the main track.
Esa: She believes that utilitarianism is functionally cogent but doesn’t endorse absolutionism. The crimes of the past shouldn’t be outweighed by the efforts of the present.
Rose: She supports utilitarianism in terms of quantitative benefits verses costs only. For instance, $154 in your pocket is more than $0 in your pocket, clearly a benefit here.
Viknash: He believes that utilitarianism is dehumanising and does not subscribe to this way of thinking.
Did they have an emotional response watching the star-studded, 1991 American fantasy adventure film, Hook?
Emma: Somewhat. While she can’t necessarily relate to the character of Robin Williams, she enjoys an old-fashioned invisible food fight as much as the next person who hates doing the dishes.
Rose: Yes. If any character from Hook speaks to Rose, it’s the spikey red striped hair that is Rufio. I don’t know where Rose went to high school or what her deal is now. But rest assured if dress code allowed, she’d be rocking that red Mohawk all over campus.
Viknash. No, the thought of a middle-aged man playing with children without their parents’ consent frankly concerns Viknash. And while the movie is likely a dream sequence, the fact remains, Peter Banning is kind of a creep.
Dave: Yes. Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of Captain Hook is frankly so iconic the Spark candidate is moved to tears at the very sight. I can also see David with long curly hair and a moustache expertly slugging his drink despite having a hook for a hand.
Esa: No. Where’s the accountability for Captain Hook’s crimes? The man faces no realistic punishment. Unacceptable.
Which arterial road do they most identify with?
Emma: Stirling Highway. Much like STAR’s overwhelming number of OGC candidates this road is congested with slow movers in the left lane and people not signalling in the right. Don’t get me wrong, I love a nice long drive through Nedlands, but building a bullet train from UWA to Claremont Quarter isn’t the worst idea.
David: Albany Highway. Get it cause he (David Hallam) lives in Narrogin lol. Much like the how Spark split from STAR, Albany highway is far quicker than the Kwinana freeway when driving to Narrogin. But does that make it better? You decide.
Esa: Roe 8. The “will they won’t they” of the arterial road world, Roe 8 screams Left Action. Additionally, Left Action, much like Roe 8, is activist central.
Rose: St Georges Terrace. From the banks to the high rises it doesn’t get much more Launch than this. When finished at UWA many members will likely work here to continue their dreams of defunding socialists.
Viknash: Riverside Drive. One of the most scenic drives in Perth the stunning views of the river are almost as pristine as Viknash’s smile. Seriously this man must have a dentist in the family.
If they were the Avatar, which would be their primary bending element?
Rose: Polymer (Australian bank notes). The most plausible way of securing a full SSAF refund for every UWA student is if they bend the money out of whatever vault it’s being stored in.
David: Grey matter. Not only is David a BPhil student, and therefore mind-bendingly smart, he also has the capability to bend grey matter just enough to atrophy the parts of the brain responsible for preventing cognitive dissonance. This might explain a few of Spark’s policies.
Viknash: Plants, but only those belonging to the Olea genus. Every time this man speaks, he sounds like he’s giving a speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Why wouldn’t he be able to stretch out an olive branch to his friends and foes using only his mind?
Emma: Gold. STAR has won these elections so many times they should just save the taxpayers millions in engraving costs and start crafting their own trophies.
Esa: Concrete. Come on, Esa. Everything I’ve written over the last two weeks has been nothing but enabling. Hurry up and tear down the establishment! We need you.
Would they have traded rising star rookie, Kobe Bryant, for heavyweight veteran, Vlade Divac, in the 1996 draft day that changed NBA history?
David: No. David takes a lot of chances, including leaving a party to start his own one. I believe he would have taken a chance on a young Kobe Bryant, even though it was well known at the time of the trade that if Kobe didn’t end up at the Lakers, he would have considered moving back to Italy to play in the EuroLeague.
Rose: Yes. The Lakers are basically the basketball equivalent of one of the ‘Big Four’ accounting firms (probably PwC). If they had the opportunity to trade one of the best rookies in the league just to get in with PwC the Lakers, there is no doubt in my mind they would take it.
Viknash: No. Viknash’s Global is a smaller ticket with many unknown, but promising, up and comers, just like what the Charlotte Hornets thought they were at the time. Viknash would have conscientiously and delicately nurtured Kobe Bryant to become the icon he turned out to be.
Esa: No. Esa has a track record of focusing on the bigger picture. Not only would she have trained Bryant to become a great addition to the team, if she had traded him for Divac, the Lakers would have freed up money to sign the biggest free agent of the season: Shaquille O’Neill. With Esa’s holistic world perspective, she could have prevented one of the most iconic on-court combinations ever.
Emma: Yes. STAR’s infamous slogan ‘Independent, Progressive, Experienced.’, has been burned into every UWA student’s brain since before the twenty-seventh Premier of Western Australia, Geoff Gallop, came to my primary school to watch me do Edu-Dance. Vlade Divac had seven years’ experience in the NBA and was one of the first European players to have an impact in the league. Bryant was eighteen years old and straight out of high school. In terms of demonstrated professional experience, it would be a no-brainer for Emma.
Did the twenty-seventh Premier of Western Australia, Geoff Gallop, go to THEIR primary school to watch THEM do Edu-Dance?
Probably not. They should be so lucky.