Image Description: Presidential Candidate photos cover parts of a message board so that it reads “Do it for her”.

 

By Deni Campbell

 

Over the next fortnight, I will be making completely unsubstantiated claims about this year’s UWA Guild presidential candidates, based solely off campaign material. I have not personally met any of the candidates and have not bothered to reach out to them either. For the purpose of this article, I’ll give a brief but scathing introductory review of each candidate and then put my public health degree to good use by sharing what I think their COVID-19 greeting should be.

Rose Scott

Rose looks way too cool to be doing this. This woman is just made for bigger things, like landing a graduate consulting job or DJing at an EMAS event.

In Rose’s profile picture caption, she claims students did not get value for money for their course fees or SSAF in semester one. If it’s at all possible, I guess it’s a fair point to play in hindsight, like those people who went rogue on Twitter at the start of COVID-19, demanding immediate refunds for gym memberships when everything closed.

I also want to know where Rose got that knit sweater. Heading into Spring it’s becoming incredibly difficult to find a stylish knit that is light enough to keep you comfortable throughout the day but warm enough to get you through the crisp mornings.

Side note: Why are so many rural kids running in the election this year? I had honestly thought they were too cool for it, but it seems as though 2020 is the year for tearing apart stereotypes.

COVID-19 Greeting: Smizing (Smiling with Eyes)

Made famous by Tyra Banks, smizing is the act of smiling with the eyes. It was a whole big thing on America’s Next Top Model about ten years ago and now every model does it. Model = cool. Model = smizing. Rose = cool. Rose = smizing? I think you can tell that biostatistics was not my best unit, but you get the point. And think about it, what other facial expression can you imagine splattered across Rose’s face while she looks at you as you lay in the bacteria-riddled COVID-unsafe sleeping pods that she’s just installed in the library?

Viknash VM

Viknash, Viknash, Viknash. Where do I start? He just looks too nice! It feels like I’m looking at one of those wholesome pictures of Keanu Reeves eating an ice cream or knitting a sweater for a dolphin. Not only does he look ‘just happy to be here’, that’s basically all I’m getting from his profile picture caption. To the naked eye, there’s absolutely nothing controversial about this candidate. And if I’m completely mistaken, please just don’t tell me. I will risk my small amount of journalistic integrity to preserve Viknash as the last sparkle of goodness left in the wasteland that is UWA student politics.

All I can say really, aside from the complete placidity of this man, is that I would absolutely come to his proposed ‘Town Hall’ meetings in The Ref. Not because I think they would be productive in any way, shape, or form, but because I can imagine they wouldn’t be too dissimilar from the car crash town hall meetings on the disgraced reality television show, Kid Nation. If you have not seen Kid Nation, you can stream the entire series on Youtube for free, and I would highly recommend doing that going into this election season.

COVID-19 Greeting: Finger Guns

I think Viknash seems like a wholesome guy. The kind of guy you would be friends with mainly because he finds pleasure in being the designated driver. You know who else has this vibe? Anthony from the Wiggles. Imagine you’ve fallen asleep on the Mandurah train line at 2:30am, only to wake up just before Kwinana station. You’re cold, scared, and alone, with no way to get home. You’re dozing off to sleep against the recycling bin when a Nissan Pulsar headlight flashes you as it turns into the five-minute pick-up bay. The window rolls down and you see him there smiling at you. It’s Viknash. He waves his finger guns at you and clears his throat, only to let out a gentle whisper, “Wake up, Jeff,”.

David Hallam

Now, this bloke just screams ‘Wheatbelt’ to me. I love a country kid but I would not be surprised if we see him on Farmer Wants A Wife in a few years.

Rural reality television star potential aside, David’s profile picture caption suggests he is coming in hot this year with not only a brand-new political party, but a ‘Charter of Values’ to stay accountable during election season. This isn’t the United Nations General Assembly, and we don’t need a new Convention on the Rights of the Guild Hack. So far, his profile is coming across as a mashup of Kofi Annan (seventh Secretary General of the UN) and Russell Coight.

There is also absolutely no conceivable way this man did not film a bunch of TikToks during iso that he was too embarrassed to post at the time and decided to archive for later.

COVID-19 Greeting: The ‘Fake Out’

Let me set the scene for you. We’re in early March of this year and COVID-19 has consumed all public consciousness in WA. After looping around the bottom floor of Reid Library for hours on end, desperately searching for a familiar face, David has locked eyes with you. He motions forward to shake your hand. As you reach out to him, he swiftly pulls away and runs his fingers through his purposely dishevelled, Lord Farquaad haircut. “Haha can’t do that mate,” he says with a Narrogin twang, “wouldn’t want you to get the Big ‘Rona”.

Esa Schrulew

If there’s one candidate I feel like I identify with the most, it’s Esa. We’re both angry about the systematic oppression of minority groups in Australia, we’re both upset about the lack of action taken on climate change, and it appears that both of us have much more important things on our minds than the pettiness of Guild elections.

Every other party in contention for the throne this year, has an array of social media platforms and websites set up to sell you personality profiles and let you in on cute inside jokes if you vote for them. But not Left Action. No, they’ve gone almost completely faceless for this election, which is an interesting choice considering a large majority of the UWA student population is studying remotely due to COVID-19 restrictions. I had to trawl through Esa’s Facebook profile to get enough content about her for this section. As a non-student who spends zero time on campus, it’s refreshing to see someone who is passionate about real issues running in this election. However, it’s also incredibly frustrating for me to shitpost about.

COVID-19 Greeting: The ‘Blank’

From what we’ve seen so far, Esa cares a lot more about global issues than student politics and has positioned herself as an accountability candidate for the Guild. I’d agree that there are much bigger fish to fry in the world, but if you’re going to put yourself forward for something like this, against some of the most competitive people in the country, you’d think that maybe a video or two would help. Or not, I mean what do I know about elections. And therefore, I think that Esa’s COVID-19 greeting would be the strategy of ignoring people.  It’s a bold choice, but I’m actively impressed by the sheer confidence. Most people dream of being able to blank their friends and foes, but for us simps the act of leaving someone on ‘seen’ is just too much to bear. Maybe one day.

Emma Mezger

I am so pissed off right now. How can you spend so much time and money preparing for a political campaign only to be completely let down by a grammatical niggle? I know nobody reads these anymore, but you still need to have proper punctuation in your press briefings. Why is it STAR2021 and not STAR space 2021? I’ll tell you what, it wouldn’t be the first time that a presidential candidate has ignored a request for some space. Okay, it’s okay, I’m fine.

I actually think I recognise Emma. Am I wrong in saying she looks like she plays wing defence in any high school netball team? Contrary to popular belief, the WD is one of the most competent and important players on court at any one time. In my personal experience, they are also traditionally one of the more aggressive players. Take from that what you will.

I’m also a bit confused. In Emma’s profile picture caption, she stresses the need for a post office on campus. Isn’t there a post office at Broadway and a post box across from Nedlands Campus? Who even uses the post anymore other than political pests like Clive Palmer and Basil Zempilas, who mail drop propaganda? Aren’t we on the cusp of a paperless world? Does Emma hate the environment? Probably not, but you decide.

COVID-19 Greeting: Chef Kiss

Not only does the chef kiss denote perfection, it has also become an incredibly popular meme in recent years. It’s hard-hitting, it’s punchy, and it’s entertaining. It feels like something the STAR machine would have invested years of research and resources into, culminating in the single most quirky and relatable gesture to have ever existed. And I can imagine, Emma spent the entirety of iso training to execute it with absolute precision during the election season.