Image Description: A black and white image on a balding man staring angrily.


By Jeremy Hansen


In these unprecedented times of global catastrophe, our lives are being shaken to the core. People are losing their jobs, becoming horrendously sick, or, for Mr. Cornelius Lovingson, having the PSA Head of the River cancelled.

Mr. Lovingson is a man who drips with the prestige of private school ‘success’. Having graduated from [SCHOOL NAME REDACTED] in 1979, he is now the proud father of Christoph (17) who has followed in his father’s footsteps at this very same school. Mr. Lovingson has adored seeing his son display the black and gold colours each week, but nothing has matched the excitement of watching Christoph row as stroke of the 1st VIII.

Mr. Lovingson, therefore, was “not impressed” when the PSA decided to cancel the 2020 Head of the River. “It’s an absolute travesty. I have raised Christoph to be an elite rower, and now, when my shining moment has arrived, the PSA rip it away from me!”

One month on, Mr. Lovingson continues to question the legitimacy of the cancellation.

“Deadly virus my arse! When we were at war with the Vietnamese, we didn’t cancel. When 9/11 happened, we didn’t cancel. When Kevin ‘07 was elected, we didn’t cancel.”

“Trinity feared losing this year and who happens to be the current head of the PSA? Their headmaster! Connect the dots, it’s all there to see,” Mr. Lovingson exclaimed in his faded, crusty school leavers jacket.

“What am I meant to do now, play rugby with my kid? The boy’s uncoordinated as can be, unlike his father who scored the game winning try in the 1978 final against Scotch.”

Mr. Lovingson proceeded to pull out a medallion hung around his neck.

“She’s a beaut isn’t she?” he said, as he planted a medallion kiss that had more passion in it than his twenty years of marriage. The interview concluded with Mr. Lovingson staring at a display cabinet filled with his own high school accolades, mumbling the phrase “take me back.”

It is unknown how Mr. Lovingson will face the challenge of spending time with his son.

More to come.



Jeremy Hansen is begging you to watch Better Call Saul because in many ways it’s even better than Breaking Bad!

Image courtesy of Pixabay

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican Magazine acknowledges the Whadjuk Noongar people as the Traditional Custodians of the land—Whadjuk Boodja—on which we live, write, and work. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. // Pelican is the second-oldest student publication in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print SIX themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content. // Email your 2024 Editors (Abbey Wheeler and Jack Cross) here: [email protected] // Where to find us: Upstairs in Guild Village. Address: M300, 35 Stirling Highway, Crawley 6009 WA // Pelican Magazine of the UWA Student Guild & The University of Western Australia.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *