[light, poppy intro music]

B: Hello everyone, and welcome to our sixth episode of Better Late than Fresher, the wonderful fortnightly podcast where we check in with our fresher student Cohen and see how he’s going with his university experience, and pass down a little bit of knowledge, and a bit of wholesome advice from generation to generation. So what week are we up to now?
C: It’s week 10!

B: Week 10? Yes, I think it’s week 10! We’ve made it to week 10! We’ve been through assignments, we’ve been through the initial fresher experience of being at UWA, and we’ve made it almost to exam season. How are you feeling?
C: Honestly I felt good up until I saw my exam timetable. Because then, just… its like a nightmare waiting to happen. The fact that the timetables are out now means that they’re real and it means that I actually have to prepare for them.
B: Yeah, it’s an actual date that will appear at some point.
C: And they’re like in a month!
B: Yes, they’re in a month! For everyone listening home UWA’s exam timetables were released on Monday, and it’s a big day for everyone finding out when their exams are. So, if they’re in the vicinity of each other… essentially how screwed you are for exam season.
C: Exactly. I have a friend that has two exams on her birthday.

B: That suuuuucks!
C: Imagine being born on that day.
B: Yeah that sucks. Why would you want to be retroactively born on that day, when in this year of our Lord 2018 you have two exams? How are your exams? Spaced out- feeling alright about the spacing of them? Because like, you said some people have two exams in the same day. I know there’s a couple of spots for exams- I think there’s a 9 a.m. slot, a 1 or 2 p.m. slot and a 4:30 p.m. slot for exams, so they try to minimise the impact of you having to do them all on the same day. But how are you feeling about yours?
C: Well, I only have 3 exams out of 4 units and they’re all within 6 days of each other. And I feel like that’s a blessing and a curse.
B: Yes it is.
C: Because like obviously they’re going to be over quickly, they’re going to be done and out of my mind and I can just sleep and cry afterwards.
B: That’s the thing though- are they out of your mind though? Because then you spend the holidays going ‘I got question 18(d) wrong, oh no!’
C: ‘Oh no!’
B: And then you can’t change the fact, and then you’re just sitting through the holidays being like ‘oh no.’
C: My friend told me something the other day and I couldn’t sleep after he did. He was like ‘yeah, there’s always this worry that when you’re doing a multiple choice exam that you get to question 120, but you’ve only up to 119 on the Scantron, and then you have to backtrack every single question!’ And I’m like, that’s real!
B: I’ve heard this happening to people before! Where they’ve filled out the dots and then got up to question 150, and then realised ‘Oh shit!’ because they’ve missed one on the way up. All the answers are one out!
C: Exactly, that’s a nightmare!
B: Absolute nightmare, particularly when you’ve already got, you know, they given you the five minute warning and you’re like ‘I don’t know what to do!’
C: Exactly! Can you imagine walking out of an exam and not realising though? I know I’m going to check 350 times and then leave my exam and still be worried about the extra time that would have made the difference.
B: Exactly. Well that’s a good thing about a lot of fresher first year exams- they’re all multiple choice, or some of them are multiple choice.
C: None of mine are multiple choice, but like…
B: Oh well, there you go. It’s because you study politics and arts like a nerd. Yeah, a lot of them are multiple choice in situations other than yours, which is something to look forward to I guess!

C: I’m falling into some terrible study habits that I need to get out of though. Like, one of them is- I keep making tea instead of studying.
B: This is on top of the bagels that you mentioned last time?
C: No I’ve moved on from bagels!
B: We’ve moved past the bagels!
C: Very very few now!
B: The bagel addiction, you’re weaning yourself off!
C: Literally, the study’s gotten better. But I go ‘Right, time to study! Clean my desk, I’m going to make a cup of tea!’, and then I go and make a cup of tea and I take it to my desk and go, ‘This is a really good cup of tea!’ So I just take that the cup of tea and drink it.
B: You cradle it, nurture it…
C: Literally. And then I finish it, and I go ‘I’m supposed to be studying, I’ll go and make a cup of tea!’ [laughter].
B: And then the cycle just repeats itself.
C: It’s like, I’ve just got a tea IV into my arm- that would be so much more efficient!
B: You just become enamored by the smell and vibe of the tea, that you just can’t be bothered to study! Sounds like you’re reaching for excuses.
C: But it makes a lot of sense!
B: That’s too good.
C: It’s getting better though.
B: Okay, so you handed in all your assignments and you’ve moved on to all the exam prep.
C: Yes, not all of my assignments…
B: But the ones that you’re panicking about?
C: Yes. I have done… I’m doing pretty well though, which is good!
B: You got some results back from stuff?
C: I have got some results back! I’m doing better than I thought I would, so I’m happy.
B: As long as you’re feeling okay, then that’s the way to go. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else or comparing ‘I got this mark on this! That’s so much better!’ As long as you are doing as well as you expect yourself to do, thumbs up.
C: One thing is kind of weird though. Even with your marks, someone said this to me like a month ago and I didn’t believe them, but now I do. They were like ‘it’s not about how are you do; it’s about who you know!’ and I was like ‘Haha yeah, good one…’
B: What do they mean? Explain.
C:Obviously how well you do is a huge factor in what you’re doing and if you finish uni, but they were saying if you don’t have contacts to certain places, it’s going to be a whole lot harder for you to succeed.
B: It depends on the industry that you’re going into; and I suppose that connections and meeting people at uni and meeting people through your degree is super super important. But again, that comes back to the balance between getting good grades and also expanding your extracurricular and networking with people, especially if you’re going into politics.
C: Yep, and I’m useless at networking though… I need to take a course or something.
B: You can network through Instagram! You’ve got a great Instagram following here, you just can’t network in person!
C: No that’s my problem!
B: What was the context for this? Were you at an event?
C: Yeah, I’d had an event and it was a sit down dinner. It’s really nice, except I didn’t know it was a thing and because all the Perth private school kids that were there already knew what to do, I was like [panicked] ‘What?!’
B: [panicked] ‘Please, I’m from Albany!’
C: Literally, I feel like an old granddad who is struggling to use the internet! [laughs]
B: But there’s a difference between forcing networking and being a good networker. Like, going up to someone and using up all of their time and being like ‘Oh look at me! I’m networking with you and see you! Remember my face, please email me afterwards!’ It’s not as effective as people seem to think it is, as opposed to networking correctly. I don’t know, because I’m not very good at networking either.

C: Networking? I don’t know her.
B: I know I’m in a degree that probably requires networking as a requisite and I suck at it, evidently. But I’ll come with time, and then it’ll come with more experience at uni as well. The more that you learn, and the more experienced you have as a uni student and studying what you’re studying, it will be easy to network. So I wouldn’t stress about that- you’ve only been here for under a semester!
C: That’s true, I keep forgetting that. I’m literally like [dramatic] ‘I’m at the end of my road!’
B: You’ve got two and a half years left, Cohen! You’ve got years!
C: I know, I’m like ‘Oh wait a second…’
B: Why are you even considering the end of your degree now?
C: I don’t know considering I’m so…
B: What’s been happening with your social life the past couple of weeks? This is my favourite thing to discuss.
C: Well, I mean in a college sense… College Row is a bit heated over netball.
B: Over netball? The last time we checked in Assassins was coming up for Tommy More, and you guys have a secret friends challenge with that you were doing. So now you’ve moved onto netball? A fast paced life at colleges, something every week!
C: I’m so entertained. So because netball is like a non contact sport, I didn’t think it was going to be as violent as it is! [laughs]
B: Look, I hate netball. Flat out. I’m much more of a basketball person – netball doesn’t make sense to me. But I’m sure netball is non contact? Why is there violence?
C: Particularly with the boys team, where no one knows the rules.
B: Good. I’ve heard this! I’ve heard in social league netball, that it’s a consequence of guys playing netball to either mingle with the girls on the team, wink wink nudge nudge, or try to do it as a social sport, and don’t know the rules, and come into it like its AFL.
C: Exactly. Because like I’ll admit openly myself I’ve never played a non contact sport before so when I step onto a sports field I’m out to win by all means possible. And on a netball field, that just doesn’t fly. You can’t put your hands up when you’re within a metre of someone, and I can’t physically do that.

B: So if they’ve got the ball… it’s been years since I play netball… but if they’ve got the ball, you can’t put your arms up to defend?
C: You can put your arms up to defend, but you have to be more than three feet away from them to do it. If they step into you, you can hold your ground.
B: See, this is why netball is so stupid! Because it’s instinct that ‘person has ball… I need to get ball away from person…’ I know you can’t move once you’ve got the ball, so you can’t run anywhere, you can’t try to get the ball out of their hands. You have to stand away and just kind of feel like an inflatable blow up man and defend… [laughs]
C: [laughs] For those who can’t see Bridget, she just re-enacted an inflatable blow up man in her bright yellow jumper. It was quite realistic!
B: Fantastic!
C: I mean there’s probably a whole lot of netball girls listening right now, who just have their faces in their palms.
B: Oh yeah, most likely.
C: Sorry to everyone whose…
B: I’m sorry! I’m sorry everybody who values netball as a sport! Of which there are many people, because the social league at UWA is humongous, so there’s probably a lot out there.
C: I’ve played one game, and I commend those who play netball, because one- I don’t know the rules of netball, and two- because of their patience not to… ram people.
B: And the fact you can’t step over certain lines? Wild. So you’re restricted to a certain area? That just doesn’t sit well.
C: They deserve all the credit.
B: I know they also deserves credit for learning the rules. Says me, who plays social frisbee…
C: Do you play frisbee?
B: I do! I do frisbee as a social sport.
C: Social frisbee is massive here and I didn’t even know it was a thing before I came here!
B: Hell yeah it is! Yeah it’s more fun, with less rules than netball…
C: Can you hit the frisbee? [laugh]
B: You can’t hit a person holding a frisbee, but when they go to throw the frisbee you can knock the frisbee out of their hand! Unlike netball!

C: [laughs] I don’t think Bridget likes netball very much…

B: I’ve got a vendetta against netball!
C: Who hurt you?

[both laugh]
B: Look… okay, so this is intercollegiate netball.
C: Yes. So like the boys team so far has won every game that they’ve played. We’ve beaten a certain castle shaped college…
B: Which will not be named named on this podcast…
C: We’ve beaten a certain prison shaped college, and we’ve been a certain college with free parking.
B: Right, yep okay.
C: So we’re demonstrating our superiority, and then move into finals hopefully! We still gotta play the other college and then hopefully we snatch the trophy.
B: Snatch the trophy out of, hopefully, Tommy More’s hands. That will be so funny and perfect comeback, the pinnacle. The comeback story from Fresher Dance!
C: Fresher Dance: The Sequel. St Cat’s is back, and this time it’s personal!

B: How did lip sync go? Or Lip Dub.
C: That all went really really well. We’re doing a screening at uni hall next week… or sometime in the next few weeks… so that’s when all the colleges are going to come together and watch each other’s. And I think… correct me if I’m wrong… that’s when they going to deliver the decision?

B: I see. The decision will be passed from the jury.
C: I’m waiting with bated breath. I don’t care how my degree goes, this is the most important thing that’s ever happened in my life.
B: You gotta win!
C: We have to win!
B: Well that’s fun that you’ve recorded it- was a fun experience being part of it?
C: It was! It was all filmed in one take, so if one person messed something up, it’s like back to the drawing board.

B: Let’s start again, you’re out of frame, you miss the cut!
C: Literally!
B: That’s okay, nothing you can do.
C: And when it’s you that messes it up as well, you feel the scorn of 200 people on you…
B: …it is a personal experience Cohen?
C: [sheepish]…. No…
B: What did you do?
C: I tripped over… I tripped over, okay?
B: So you were the laughing stock of everybody? Good.
C: Yeah, wasn’t just me though! A couple of other people who did it…
B: This makes me think there’s some physical activity involved.
C: While I’m not going to reveal anything until it comes out – I’ll give you an in-depth analysis next time- until they all come out, that’s all you’re allowed to have today.
B: Fair enough. What else is happening socially?
C: Socially, everyone she’s kind of freaking out about exams, if you know what I mean.
B: There is no social… the social has been put on hold because, especially because all you babies are getting your first exams and being like ‘I don’t know how do I time management!’
C: It’s been like the biggest wake up call of my life… of my life! Because the other day I had to do an online test for Spanish…
B: Of course it was for Spanish.
C: … and there’s a culture proponent to this unit as well, so you got speaking, listening, all of that and then you have culture. So the culture lectures are on Monday- they clash with my POLS lecture, so I go to the POLS one. I kinda forgot that the cultural one actually existed, because I was already watching the grammar lectures online and doing the classes. So I did this quiz, after not watching 8 weeks worth of cultural lectures about Spain, and I still did really well! [both laugh]
B: Why? What were they asking you to… okay, that’s wild. So you didn’t attend any of these lectures for 8 weeks, and just went your way through the assessment?
C: Yeah, I was doing another assessment at the time…
B: So you were doing two assessments? You were double tasking?
C: I was doing a different assessment- it was a big essay. And then it was literally about 4:30pm, and I was like ‘Oh my god, I only have half an hour to do this Spanish culture test! and I was like, I’m just going to have to do it.
B: Time management is your middle name, hey! That’s what I warned you about!
C: I know. And the questions, they weren’t unstraightforward… because I don’t know if any of you know any Spanish history… they had a dictator, and then he died then he was replaced with a constitution, and all this other stuff, and that’s all that the questions were about. And I got to my class next day, and the lecturer pulled up what was going to be in the Spanish exam, and the culture test is an extended answer which can be one of 12 possible topics. There were 12 practice questions that were all about different things. I was like, ‘Maybe I should go watch the lectures…’
B: Maybe you should just. And that’s another thing that’s wildly popular with uni students with bad time management, such as yourself- cramming lectures and watching lectures in a much shorter time.
C: And they probably should be watched.
B: And it’s like, you can only absorb so much when you’re watching it at double speed as well! Because you start getting to the realms of double and triple speed, depending on how slow your lecture talks. Putting your recordings on triple speed to try and burn through 2 hours in 45 minutes.
C: It’s just bad.
B: It’s bad. It’s a bad time.
C: Well, I mean I find study really weird. I have to train myself to be able to sit down, because I’ll just be doing something and I’ll get an overwhelming urge to study! And that happens once a day.
B: That’s good! Wow!
C: And then I’ll study, and then it’ll die, and so will my study ethic and all of that. But it usually lasts for a few hours.
B: That’s good! That’s a good routine to get into! If your brain’s telling you ‘Okay, need to study now!’, you can get into a routine of like, sitting down between 2pm and 6pm, like ‘I’m going to do some study! And that’ll be my study time!’
C: Training myself to do it at a certain time, that’s good!
B: Because your uni timetable doesn’t change at all that much during the semester. So you know when you’re free, just be like… I don’t know how effective that would be in college, just be like ‘No one touch me between 2 p.m and 6 p.m, because that’s my study time!’
C: It’s so hard like… you know how actors on stage, they train themselves to have the fourth wall?
B: Yeah.
C: So like there’s a wall in between them and the audience, the audience doesn’t exist. I need to do that with my study, because like, I hear someone cough in the hallway and I’m just like [loud] ‘Hi love! How are you!?!?’
B: ‘Hello, haven’t seen you in ages!’
C: Our fire alarm has gone off twice in the past three days. Take a guess what time it went off last time.
B: Between the hours of 1a.m.  and 5 a.m.?
C: It went off at 4:58 a.m.
B: Beautiful! That seems to always be the case with college fire alarms! Less so now, but when I was coming to class in undergrad, I would always drive past Uni Hall, and they would always be standing out in the morning at like 7:30a.m. Rain, hail or shine, they’d be standing out there in their pyjamas. Like, I understand the need for fire safety… but there’s a limit! There’s got to be a limit!
C: Yeah, so we’ve just taken it as a given that sometimes, that just happens.
B: Is that the only two times that that’s happened, this mess up?
C: No, we did one in O-Week, but that was like a drill. And we all did it, we got down and the coordinator was like ‘You guys are terrible, that took way too long.’
B: And you can always tell the person who caused it out front. You can always tell who it is that burnt the toast, or burnt the rice that they were meant to be cooking, or left the windows shut when the bathroom was steamy. And they’re standing there looking worried…
C: And you’re just like ‘It was you…’
B: ‘You were the reason we’re here at 5 a.m!’ I feel like the one big stories… you know, heard from my cone of silence whilst I’ve been in the law library…  the one big thing is this god damn jump the moat situation which has been going on! The controversy that has been brewing behind the scenes of this situation.
C: I’m so invested in this.
B: Okay, you tell me. You tell me the story of this jump the moat situation, because part of the story I know, but I don’t have the full story.
C: Alright, I’ll paint you a picture.
B: Paint me a picture!
So one of the UWA meme pages… I think it was Teen Memes for Reid Library Teens or whatever… [laughs] something like that!
B: As part of the Holy Trinity that we were covering the other week?
C: Yes, they created an event and it was like, 1,000 people jump across the moat at the same time.
B: Because that’s not dangerous!
C: Yeah, and I saw that I was like ‘What the hell?’ and then saw that literally 400 people had signed up. So I was going to go with camera, and live my life…
B: Be on the other side of the moat when they jumped, not involved…
C: Exactly. Then we had word from my college come out, that was like ‘A message from UWA: anyone who attempts to jump the moat will be prosecuted, and it’s against UWA by-laws’ and that they will get you, basically.
B: It’s also dangerous as well!
C: I mean, yeah… I’m not that athletic to not fall into the stagnant water.
B: Ew.
C: So that was set to happen and then obviously uni found out and they put out some memos saying ‘Don’t do it or we will get you!’ So Tuesday morning, the morning of, I was in a meeting and someone came in and said ‘Has anyone seen the moat today?’ and I was like ‘What?’ And they’d spaced out all these signs…
B: I saw the signs!

C: …evenly, saying ‘If you try this, we would hurt you.’
[both laugh]
B: In as many words!
C: So that wasn’t enough to deter basically anyone at this point. The meme page was like ‘Who would win, 400 kids or one sign!’ When it came actually to the time of the event, from what I’ve heard… I didn’t actually see this, but they lined up security guys along the outside of the moat.
B: I was having a lecture in Arts that finished at about 12 o’clock, 1 o’clock. I walked out straight towards Reid Library, and immediately after coming out of the lecture theatre, I kind of turned a little bit. And there was a very security guard, chubby looking dude in a security guard outfit with the head piece on, that was looking straight across there.
C: Oh really?
B: And I was like ‘Oh! That’s on today, hey!’ So security guards allegedly lined up…
C: Allegedly, I didn’t see it. And then it just died. The signs are still there though, I saw them today!
B: The signs are definitely there. And I saw the UWA Tav have a bit of a take out of it as well. They put, across the Tav entrance… they stuck some tarp on the floor and put a sign saying ‘Jump the Moat!’ with a smiley face. I don’t know if that was the Tav or the Guild having a haha laugh moment about it, but then I was like ‘Oh yeah, that’s on today! Let me just jump the moat!’
C: Have you seen those jump the moat videos?
B: Some are very impressive. Extremely dangerous- we don’t condone anyone actually jumping them…
C: Oh no, we do not.
B: But some look very impressive! They roll, there’s some rolls…
C: One guy did a flip over it, caught a frisbee. You’d be into that, wouldn’t you?
B: I’d be totally into that!
C: I saw one guy attempt to jump the moat, get his legs wet at the end and then faceplant down into the grass. And then he tried again without pants.

B: As long as they’re safe and they feel fine, then that’s fine. It seems like it went off the best way possible without any one hurting themselves!
C: Oh, my terrarium is going well!
B: How’s your plant, Jennifer? How is she going?
C: Jennifer’s going really well. Jennifer’s the fake plant though.
B: So of course she’s going well. She just have to sit there and look pretty- just like you!
C: Oh thanks… I mean I should probably do well at uni as well… [laughs] if all else fails, I can just be a trophy husband. But yeah, another plant in the terrarium! I don’t know if I’ve told this story before?
B: I don’t think you have. I think you said you had Jennifer…
C: A friend of mine came into my room said ‘Your room is so bad, feral, disgusting, minimalism’s on the way out!’ and I’m like ‘Okay, alright.’ Then she left, and I was like ‘What am I going to do?’ Then she came back with a terrarium!
B: She went and bought one?
C: She didn’t buy it, she had one in her room! She said ‘This is for you!’ I put it on my dresser, she said ‘That some colour in your room.’ And it’s still alive!
B: There you go! Is it like a cactus? Is it self sufficient?
C: No, I have to water it every now and again. But I’ve been watering it too much, so I’ve got to cut back. Too much love! I haven’t got a name for it yet…. Tammy.
B: Tammy! Tammy the terrarium! Tammy the terrarium and Jennifer the fake plant, they can be friends. Because if you can make your own little room, you know… You’re saying for you have to put up a wall with people, you can make your little room into your own little sanctuary and study area that you can choose to keep people out and let people in. That’s the best way to go. Alright, I think that just about does it for this week! You’ve got to think of a signoff as per u-su-al.

C: U-su-al! Hmmm.
B: Thank you everyone at home for listening. As always, we appreciate and love your support and love the fact that you’re all either reading transcript of this or listening along! Also I feel like it should be discussed the fact that Cohen can’t ever end up on time for anything…

C: Or even just here to recording sessions!
B: Cohen was late again! He wasn’t even late, he just didn’t even appear to this week’s recording session at the original time! This goes along with the time management factor – hopefully will record an episode in the coming weeks before exams, if Cohen can get his shit together and his time management together. I swear, even if I need to drag this recording studio over to St Cats and do it in your room, in between Tammy and Jennifer, we will record this whether you like it or not.
C: [sheepish] Cohen is sorry.
B: Cohen profusely apologizes. Have you thought of a sign off? I love doing this to you on the spot, because you just panic.
C: I’ve got one! I’m Cohen…
B: … and I’m Bridget…
C: … and this was a ‘fresh sesh’!

[both laugh]
B: They just get progressively worse and worse each week! I keep thinking, maybe I should forewarn you, or maybe you would have learnt by now that you need to come up with one… but they’re just… they just get worse and worse!
C: Just always expect the worst.
B: [laughs] Alright, see you guys.
C: Bye!

Bridget Rumball & Cohen Augustsson

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican is one of the oldest student publications in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you enjoy writing, then Pelican is the place for you! We print six themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content.

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