[light, poppy intro music]

B: Hello and welcome back to Better Late than Fresher, the fortnightly podcast where we check in with our beautiful fresher Cohen, and see how he’s going with his university experience and try to give him a little, little bit of advice along the way! It’s week 5, it’s a big week – Cohen was on time this week, for everyone at home.. [applauds]
C: I’m here! Thanks everybody! Thanks guys!

B: I’d like to accept the Academy Award for being on time…
C: I had a fall from grace but climbed my way back up to the top.
B: You climbed your way back up to the top. Very exciting.
C: Week 5.
B: How has your week been? That’s a good question to start off.
C: Uni is a train that’s constantly moving and I’m just gripping on with one hand.
B: There’s too much to handle at one time..
C: Exactly! But we’ve got a study week coming up, and if it all goes to plan I’ll be back on top of it by round 2 when I come back.
B: When you come back from Albany. For a regular listeners, yes, we are recording this a little bit early as Cohen has to return back to Albany for this next week. So, he won’t be up here and so we’re recording on the Thursday before study week! I think it’ll go out when it usually goes out, but it’s just being recorded early. So study this week how’s it going?
C: It’s going alright. But I’m going to be honest- today was the worst day of my entire life. I mean, I went to my tutorial at 11am- went into the room and sat down and thought ‘Hey there’s a lot of Friday people here!’ because classes were cancelled. And they were all sitting around and I was like ‘Okay…’ And then a girl sat down on the table with me and she said ‘Did you do that assignment thing? And I was like [panicked] ‘Yeah…’

B: Just as we taught you to do!
C: Yes, I did it!
B: It’s good!
C: In my mind, I was screaming. So I just said yes, and she was like ‘How hard was it? and I was like ‘It’s so hard…’

B: So taxing…
C: I wanted to convince her that I’d done it. So we sat down for a little while and then the tutor came in and it was a different tutor. I thought ‘That’s weird…’- then he said get your textbook out to start off with. I was like [panicked] ‘What textbook do you mean?!’ And then everybody got their textbook out and I realised I had gone to Ancient History instead of Spanish practice.
B: Well there you go, falling into your own trap that you were so sure you wouldn’t fall into! Walking into not only a tute- harder to get out of… how did you get yourself out of that?

C: I said ‘Oh dear!’, closed my laptop, put all of my books into my bag subtly, just stood up in the middle of the tute…
B: [laughing] How do you do that subtly Cohen?! You can’t just subtly collect everything off the desk and go ‘Oh… time to… time to gooooo…’
C: You don’t understand amount of adrenaline that was in my system- I could have carried a piano out of that room if I had to.

B: [laughs]
C: But no, they did all notice. I’m wearing a very bright red jumper… and then I had to come back an hour later because that’s where my actual tute is. And they had to walk past me to get out of the room and I was just like [pained] ‘Oh hello! Hello again!’
B: How was the tute once you got there?
C: It was good. It was bearable, because like… I was supposed to be there?
B: You know that makes all the difference.
C: I wasn’t even worried about the fact I hadn’t done the reading or been to the lecture, because I was in the place I needed to be!
B: There you go, you’re learning to wing it! If you’re in the right place at the right time and you say one little thing for your participation mark, then that’s all you need to do.
C: I mean the situation did get worse though, because I went back to college during that hour, just really sad, and I thought I’m going to make myself feel better!
B: In your bright red jumper…
C: Yeah; I made myself a cup of tea, I put on a really nice Tommy Hilfiger jumper
B: We were doing the most!
C: We were doing the most- I’m going to treat myself! When I got into my actual tute, I put my laptop down and dropped my tea on the desk and had to use the sleeve of my nice jumper to wipe it up!
B: So using the Tommy Hilfiger bright red jumper to wipe everything away from your computer, away from everything…
C: Yes, I can’t stop looking at the tea sleeve now!
B: Chuck it in a cold wash, it’ll be fine.

C: Okay, it better be.

B: St Cat’s have washing machines right?
C: Yeah they do.
B: Or you just never wash your clothes at St Cat’s- every time it’s dirty you just buy a new one. C: Exactly, that’s exactly how it works! You are so right,
B: That’s how it goes in the GT: you spill tea on your Tommy Hilfiger jumper, you just buy another one and it’s totally fine. How were your lectures this week?
C: Lectures were really good. I went to all of them?
B: Good! Yes!
C: No, that’s a lie- I went to most of them. And the other ones I have watched on LMS. I feel so productive; like this is the most productive I’ve felt in my life. I took notes on a laptop the other day!
B [impressed]: Wow!
C: Wow!
B: Are you usually in a laptop notetaker or are you are write down note taker? There is a distinction between the two.
C: No no, I like to think of myself as a write down note taker, but I thought ‘Hey why don’t we try a laptop out! But like the two things about laptop typing is, one: I can’t type fast enough, so I’m just putting an incoherent jumble down, and second of all: I just, I’m always really self conscious of being one of those MacBook kids who types faster than…
B: I was just going to say this! Sitting in a lecture, lecturer goes ‘We’re going to the first slide’ and people just go [typing noise]…
C: [laughs]
B: And there’s some people who do it with such grace and have beautiful manicured nails and hair and they just ‘tap tap tap’ and get it all down… then you have the gremlins…

C: [laughs]
B: … who just like, furiously write down everything… I feel like I fall into the second category as someone with a Macbook, I am probably a gremlin… Just trying to rapidly take down everything, like PLEASE!
It scares me, like- what are they typing? I swear to god, the lecturer takes like a sip of water and they’re like [typing noises]
B: [laughs] The secret is that they’re typing either Facebook messages, or doing stuff which isn’t happening in the lecture.
C: Well I wish I was productive enough to do that but I’m not.
B: Even in like fifth year lectures, as you go to post grad level or whatever, people still… like, you’ll be sitting at the back of a lecture hall, paying somewhat of attention, and you’ll see as the lecture progresses, more and more screens flash on to like, clothes stores… shoe stores… backpacks… Facebook… Reddit… it just slowly like devolves into people being so distracted. Still happens.
C: I know what you mean. I saw something beautiful in my POLS lecture thing other day. There was a girl a few rows in front of me who was watching Netflix during the lecture.
B: During the lecture? With captions, or did she have the audacity to put in headphones?
C: No, she had her she had her headphones in but I think she noticed that everyone in the lecture who was sitting behind her was also watching. So, I saw her turn around, turn back and then turn her subtitles on so we could all get in on that.
B: [laughs] What a champion of the people! That’s beautiful
C: What a champion!
B: What was she watching?
C: I don’t even know.
B: Ok, because I feel like it could get very awkward, you know, if you had Game of Thrones going and there’s this really full on sex scene in the middle of the lecture and you just turn around slowly and are just like ‘Hey!’
C: [laugh]
B: There’s like, half the cohort watching this very graphic sex scene, and you’re like ‘Great!’ That’s the community spirit.
C: That’s so good.
B: Ok so that was POLS- how did your Spanish test go? Did you have that this week?
C: No, my Spanish test is tomorrow. Well, today and tomorrow but like, I ain’t doing it today!

B: You need a night to revise, and you’re going down to Albany like ridiculously early…
C: Like at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning.
B: That’s gross.
C: Because Albany Highway is a disgrace on Easter weekend!
B: Oh my god.
C: You have to overtake at least two cars on the way.
B: Are you bussing or are you driving?
C: No, I have a fortune of a brother that lives in Perth, so he’s going to take me and my sister down.
B: Perfect.
C: So he’s going to pick me up, and then we have to go to Curtin to pick my sister up, and then we’re going to drive down at 5 a.m. on Albany Highway.

B: Delightful. So you’re getting picked up probably earlier than that… you’re getting picked up at like 4 or 4:30…
C: I don’t want to even think about that, but now that you just said it, it just keeps getting worse and worse.
B: Here’s the hot tip: just stay up, don’t go to sleep! Stay up until 4:30, or whenever your brother rocks up, sleep in the car, smashed it!
C: Take five No-Doz at once and do my Spanish test.
B: When’s that due? Is that at 5 p.m?

C: I think so I don’t actually know.
B: You should probably know. Hang on, you planned everything last time we talked! You were like, I’ve got this beautiful plan…
C: No no, I don’t have a plan… I have been following the plan! It’s just not as effective a plan as I thought it would be.
B: See, that’s when you find the need to replan!

C: That’s probably a good idea… that’s probably why you’re where you are. [laughs]

B: That’s probably why I’m the fifth year and you’re the first year… beside age or anything, it’s just because I know how to plan. [laughs] It’d probably be 5 p.m. I would guess; most things are 5pm. Or like, end of the business day.
C: We get to Albany at about 10 in the morning, so we’ve got lots of time!
B: Why not driving down?
C: Because the roads are mad. I don’t want to kick in to Perth people but [yells] SLOW DOWN when driving to Albany on the Easter holidays!
B: You hear that? Can you please slow down!
C: A lot of people need to speed up actually… can we maintain 110km/h please?
B: Can you drive? Are you driving?

C: Yes I can drive, but I can’t afford to park my car in Perth.
B: I’ve heard that college parking is an expensive undertaking.
C: Parking in College Row… no, no thank you.
B: How much is it?
C: It depends what college you’re at, but it can go up to about $600 a year.

B [taken aback]: Whaaaaaat?

C: Yeah.
B: Why?! Why is it so expensive!? That’s a pretty high barrier to entry. It seems irrational!

C: It makes a tiny bit of sense, it’s like…
B: Ok, explain it to me.
C: First of all, I don’t want to spend $100 parking that’s my standpoint on this. But also, it’s so that you can buy a parking spot and be sure that no one is going to test you by parking there. Because if you spent money on that, you’re getting a crowbar to the windshield like they’re not going to get anything else.
B: So it’s not like you get a guaranteed spot?
C: You’re supposed to- like it’s very safe, your spot is very safe for you. Every now and then someone’s Mum might like park in a spot, but you still have a spot.
B: Right, so it’s high property, it’s Monopoly high stakes.
C: It kind of is.
B: Is it like, you reserve a bay? Like your bay is specifically number 48 and that’s where I always park?
C: I don’t actually know, because every time I think about it it makes me want to cry.
B: Not good. Okay, the Spanish test is coming up soon, tomorrow- has your Spanish improved at all?
It’s improved exponentially from last time.
what can you say this time?
C: … are we going to do this?
B: Well last time you told us, you said something about Shakira that you mentioned?
C: Oh yeah! [speaks Spanish with heavy rolled r’s].
B: There you go! So the rolled r’s and got better!
C: It’s my speciality, that’s the best thing I am at in Spanish.
B: Not knowing the words, not being able to pronounce them, just rolling the rs…
C: I mean, there’s so many words… [laughs]
B: I mean, that’s the thing about languages Cohen, there’s a lot of words in there!

C: Yeah, its not good enough.
B: What subject is the test on?
The test is on grammar, which is lukcy because that’s just like sentence structures, and like, how to conjugate a verb- Oooooh that was a fancy word I just used! [posh accent] Conjugate a verb!
B [posh accent]: Ooooh, conjugate!
C: So like, maybe change the end of it depending on what’s happening to change it between masculine and feminine- Spanish love their masculine and feminine nouns. Like, we’ll get there – we’re going to get there, don’t worry.
B: We’re going to make it by 5pm even if I’m hyped up on No-Doz all the time, we’re going to get there.
C: Even if I pass out afterwards and don’t wake up for like a Sleeping Beauty amount of time, it’ll be fine.

B: How’s the social side looking? Turning from academics, which I assume will be okay, to social side.
C: Look, the social side is good – it’s just difficult to get things done at a college because of the social side. And I’m not talking about you studying and people coming home from parties and being loud; no, that’s like a norm at college. What I’m talking about is what happened last night.

B: What happened last night Cohen?
C: I was studying, I was doing my thing and then I got a message in the group chat that was like ‘Guys I’ve just make a pie.’

[both laughs]
C: ‘Who wants to come down?’ And every single person in the group chat, who an hour earlier was like ‘No, nothing tonight, I’m studying!’ went ‘Yeah!’ We all went down and ate a beautiful  pepper steak pie.
B: Did they make that in the kitchen or did they have a room that had an oven?
C: There’s like a common room with an oven in it.
B: So they just rocked up to the common room like ‘I’m making a pie tonight!’
C: We walked in there and he was just sitting on the couch…
B: Where was the pie?
C: It was still cooking. We just had chats, we got rid of the pie and then we had more chats, then I went back to my room at about 1:30am and thought ‘Oh my god I haven’t studied for anything!’
B: And you still got a whole lot of activities that are outside the college; so I guess kind of field trips?
C: Yes, I just went on a field trip to Albany as part of the West Australian Debating League (WADL)!
B: So you went to Albany… and then came back… and going back down to Albany..
C: Yes exactly!
B: … because you just love Albany…
C: I love Albany! Albany is the greatest place on the Western Coast!

B: [laughs] What about the other side of Australia? We don’t talk about it, but on the western side it’s great! So what were you doing with WADL?
C:  I’m a committee member at WADL, so I went down there for a regional trip. So talking to schoolkids about how to debate and about the Albany competition which I run from Perth funnily enough! Except, it was a little bit weird. I didn’t want to tell lots of people that I was there, because I was there for 2 days and I was there to do work, I couldn’t change that timetable at all. I went to the supermarket, I went to buy a bar of chocolate for Mum, and I reached over and this lady was like ‘Hi!’ and it was my grandma. And she was, like [deadpan] ‘What are you doing here!?’

B: [laughs] ‘Are you not meant to be in Perth?’ Nah, I was going undercover, black ops!
C: Exactly! If any of our listeners are planning on going to regional town, make sure you alert every single person who lives there that you will be there, otherwise they will just spread the word.
B: Word spreads and then you’re in hot demand before you know it.
C: You’ll come down and it’ll be the [vitriolic, sarcastic voice] ‘Nice to see you…’
B [sarcastic] ‘Thanks for considering me in your itinerary…’ Small town problems.
C: Exactly.
B: What else is on? Social stuff?
C: I mean, everyone’s just gearing up to head home and have a week off. I didn’t realise it was a whole week, I thought it was just a weekend so I am buzzing!
B: You get a whole week away!

C: A. Whole. Week. Away.
B: You can go out at 10pm at night…
C: [yells] YES!
B: … and get your McDonalds! [laughs]
C: [yells] YES I CAN! I’ve mentioned time and time again how much I miss that, and now I can exploit it!

C: I feel really bad for the kids at Notre Dame though…
B: Why?
C: And maybe Taylor’s College, I’m not sure… because they have uni that week.
B: Ohhhhhh.
C: So everyone who goes to UWA, which is the overwhelming majority of College Row, are all going home and the other kids have to stay.
B: Yeah that would suck; that would suck for them, having you all go home or seeing everyone else having time to catch up with each other.
C: Exactly! [sad voice] ‘I’ll just sit here…’
B: [sad voice] ‘It’s fine… I’ll just study and cry, it’s fine…’ Does can have this week off as well?
C: I don’t know.
B: Because I know it’s sometimes out of sync. I know we’re out of sync with the east coast by… I think a week? I’m not sure. A lot of the time it falls… not everyone breaks at the same time.
C: Yeah, it’s weird, I don’t like it, makes me uncomfortable.
B: It makes me uncomfortable too! Because if you’re trying to plan stuff with interstate friends or with other friends from other unis, it’s so hard. ‘Are you free? No, because I don’t have this week off. But when will I fly over?’ It’s a lot.
C: [laughs} It’s a lot.
B: What other uni social stuff is there? Did you look into EMAS? EMAS Paradise party?
C: I didn’t get to look into it…
B: Okay…
C: Still very interested though.
B: I feel like we should crowdfund you a ticket to go! [laughs]
C: Everyone, sign this!
B: If anyone would like to donate to our GoFundMe in order to provide Cohen with a $20 ticket to this event.

C: Please! I need all the help I can get!
B: They’re a lot of fun! You should look into doing that. Laney was saying it last show, but they’re really good and really professionally run and if you’re into doof doof, that’s place to go.
C: That is my favourite word I’ve learnt- doof doof.
B: I was talking to people over the past fortnight about it and more people than you think use the term doof doof. One of my friends was like ‘My mum uses that term all the time in order to describe it!’ and I’m like, ‘Does that make me…’
C: [taken aback] Their mum?
B: ‘… do I have Mum humour? Am I now a mum?’

C: Sometimes people use the word doof doof and everyone else in the social group will be like ‘Ah yeah, doof doof!’ and I just feel like an alien.
B: Like, what are you talking about?
C: Exactly, like that’s not a term.

B: Look into doing that, getting into EMAS. What else is on… oooh, how’s your club engagement going?
C: My club engagement is going so well… no, I’m just kidding, I’m actively ignoring every single club that I signed up for.

B: [shocked] What!? I feel like that’s not the right way to go about it! You should at least do something with one of them, even if it’s just ASIA because they always put on good events.
C: Yeah that’s true, I always forget about ASIA, even though that’s the club I chose to join… oooh, something else I did the other day; I got Uber Eats for the first time!
B: How did that go?
C: Uber Eats was like an inhuman experience, it was insane. First of all, I was so excited because we were going to get it from the kebab shop. He was going to get us some garlic bread, some cheesy fries and some chips…
B: What kebab shop?
C: I can’t remember what it’s called… it’s nearby…
B: Not Ararat’s?
C: No, it had numbers…
B: It’s just numbers?
C: I don’t remember… it wasn’t a great experience.
B: Okay, elaborate.
C: Okay. We were very excited, we had a movie ready to go- I have been told this is a very rookie error with Uber Eats, but I was too innocent to know at the time. So I was like ‘Got my $10!’ and it said ‘your food will be here in 25 minutes’. And I was like ‘Oh wow, that’s perfect! Can you wait 25 minutes?’ and then the other guy I was with (who and never had it before) was like ‘Yeah we can wait 25 minutes!’ 40 minutes later they were still preparing the order…

B: Really?
C: Yeah, and we were like, we’re dying, we’re starving and we can’t eat anything because it’ll spoil it. Eventually the guy picked it up- he probably regrets the invention of GPS tracking so hard, because he got lost! He went around the roundabout, the same roundabout, about three or four times. So he pulled up, put the window down and started talking to me without stopping the van…
[both laughs]
C: So then, still rolling, he’s like [stereotypical Aussie accent] ‘Are you Cohen?’ and I’m like ‘Yeah?’ He goes, [Aussie accent] ‘Oh, awesome! I got your Uber Eats here!’, just passing away down the street… [laughs]
B: Just continually rolling down the street…
C: … and I’m like ‘I kinda want it!’ and he’s like… he pulled over and said [Aussie accent] ‘Come over here.’ I approached the van in the night- so that’s probably the first mistake – and the man goes [Aussie accent] ‘Are you Jewish?’

[both laugh]

B: What?!
C: And I’m like… ‘Can I just have my food?’

[both laugh]
B: Unsolicited questions from the Uber Eats driver.

C: And then like, judging by his response when he came out of the van, he said that he was not very happy with the service at the kebab shop, and he had let them know. So, I’m guessing that the driver is the reason it had taken so long to get our order, because he was probably in the line like [stereotypical Aussie accent] ‘Can ya hurry up?! Like, come on, let’s get going! Let’s do it!’ [B laughing in background] And he comes up and says [Aussie accent] ‘I’m so sorry, they take their sweet time over there, they take their sweet time.’ And I was like ‘It’s okay mate…’

B: ‘It’s all good…’

C: Then he went to give me the bag of food. And then when I went to walk off, he was like [Aussie accent] ‘Oh, be careful! It’s not kosher!’

[both hysterically laugh]

C: I love this city.

B: I don’t even know how to respond to that! Completely inhuman experience.

C: It’s a very good advertisement for them, because I want to order from them again.
B: Did you take down his name or screenshot his…?
C: I wish I did.
B: What an enigma!
C: I’m going to go on UWA Confessions later tonight, asking about this Uber driver…
B: Who is the driver? Or did I imagine it because of lack of sleep? He just appeared like an apparition from somewhere… I don’t know who he is… please, someone inform me!

C: I feel like we need to give a gold star to whoever runs the Confessions at UWA page.
B: They’re an interesting character! No one knows who they are either.
C: Are you serious?
B: No! Well I’m sure someone knows who they are. But listeners, if you’ve got a bounty on whoever runs Confessions at UWA we’d love to know.
C: Would love to know!
B: Just out of interest.
C: I posted one on there the other day and it got uploaded! I’m not going to say which one was because it’s ‘anonymous’ but that’s like, the most validated and fulfilled I’ve ever been in my entire life.
B: You just made it! You’ve made it onto Confessions at UWA!
C: I’m going to get my degree and someone’s going to go ‘Is this the greatest day of your life?’ and I’m going to go ‘Hmmmm, I don’t know..’
B: One of my friends made it on there in like second year and he was stoked for like a week! But he was like ‘look, I got onto Confessions at UWA… that’s all I need! That’s all I need! I’m a superstar, I’m a rockstar! [posh voice] Sorry I’m 5 minutes late to my lecture…’
C: [posh voice] ‘I don’t have to do exams anymore…’
B: With the shades and a coffee, like [posh voice] ‘It’s fine! I was on Confessions at UWA!’
C: And everyone would be like [gasps] ‘Alright!’

B: [flustered voice] ‘It’s fine!’
C: ‘There’s a seat next to me!’

[both laugh]

B: Another really good Facebook page is Ducks of UWA!
C: What’s that?
B: It chronicles the life of of the ducks at live at the university!
C: [shocked] No.
B: Yeah! I don’t know if it’s still active… it was active at least a year ago… but people take like hi-res photos of them, and they post the photos on the page, and it’s so cute and it’s like a Kardashian like saga of the family – I don’t know if it’s a saga, if that’s the right word- but they chronicle the lives of these ducks.
C: This is a page that I’m willing to be emotionally attached to.

B: Heavy emotional investment in Ducks of UWA.
C: I feel like the social media trifecta of UWA is Confessions, UWA Yes/No, and Ducks of UWA.
B: Yes, Yes/No! That’s another one, we don’t know who runs UWA Yes/No!
C: I just love it!
B: An enigma.
C: The emotion reading a post that says ‘Socks and Birkenstocks: yes/no?’…
B: Are you a yes or are you a no?
C: Look… I believe in individual liberties…
B: … and self expression…
C: … but I also believe in people not harming my eyesight. I’m not going to tell you where that puts my vote.

B: Where you lie on the spectrum re: Birkenstocks and socks… yeah I’m a firm no. But, you do you…
C: Whatever you believe. it’s a look.

B: If you can pull off the look, go for it.
C: You can do it!

B: You can do it! I have faith in you. I reckon that brings us to a close for this week. Say goodbye to Cohen as he ventures down to Albany tomorrow…
C: Back down south…
B: He’ll be already down there by the time this goes up, I’m pretty sure. As always if you have any suggestions to send to Cohen and I, please send it to [email protected] and we will include them in the next episode! Now, what should we do for our sign off this week? It was horrendous last week.

[both laugh]
C: What a disaster… it was a disaster… Oh! ‘Hope you all have a fresh break?’
B: Yes! Okay. I’m Bridget…
C: I’m Cohen…
Both: And we hope you all have a fresh break!
[both laugh]
B: That was so bad! Alright, see you guys!

C: See ya!

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican Magazine acknowledges the Whadjuk Noongar people as the Traditional Custodians of the land – Whadjuk Boodja – on which we live, write, and work. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. _____________________________________________________________________________ Pelican is the second-oldest student publication in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print SIX themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content. Get involved here: Email your 2023 Editors (Angela Aris and Holly Carter-Turner) here: [email protected] Where to find us: Upstairs in Guild Village. Address: M300, 35 Stirling Highway, Crawley 6009 WA _____________________________________________________________________________ Pelican Magazine of the UWA Student Guild & The University of Western Australia.

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