If there’s one thing everyone knows about Australia, it’s that we love a day off; preferably while routinely ignoring the huge benefits we’ve accrued as a society at the ultimate expense of others. 

Although Australia Day has only fallen on January 26th since 1994, it’s an important day of reflection, camaraderie, and day drinking for all Australians – be they white, (some) Asians, or people who claim to speak for Australia’s entire Aboriginal population because they’re one-tenth Noongar by marriage. 

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, responding to claims that the date of Australia Day should be changed to one that’s less coordinated around a colonising mission dedicated to cultural eradication and genocide, shot back, arguing that:

“There’s nothing offensive about the arrival of the First Fleet.  January 26th is a very important day to all Australians, particularly the conservative Christian fringe who absolutely have me by the balls.”

He went on to announce that, from this year onwards, Australians will have more opportunities to drink weird Liquorland exclusive beer and remain blissfully ignorant of racially motivated violence. 

“Australians can look forward to increasingly insensitive public holidays: Fair Dinkum Day on the 7th of April is a good opportunity to alienate Australia’s small Rwandan diaspora. True Blue Hullabaloo on the 11th of July is a chance to down a few while ignoring the recent history of the former Yugoslavia. February 26th is as good a time as any to get blackout drunk against the backdrop of the genocide in Darfur while continuing to demonise the Sudanese population.”

Tony Abbott, speaking on 2GB this morning, claimed to have spearheaded the project for the coalition:

“If ethnic cleansing happens, but ordinary Australians get a holiday out of it – on balance, it’s a good thing for everyone.”


Hugh Hutchison | @ugh_hutch
Comedy Editor

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican is one of the oldest student publications in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you enjoy writing, then Pelican is the place for you! We print six themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content.

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