Which toothpaste has got your back? Which deserves your dental dominion? A brief but comprehensive inquisition in to which toothpaste will wash away the detritus of your hectic life and get your mouth fresh to death. Meet your brushing bandits:


Regimen: twice a day (morning and night), three times if it’s a special occasion.

Toothbrush: pink Colgate Flexi with tongue bristles (soft).

Squeeze action: Squeezes from the middle (prepared to reform).


Regimen: twice a day (morning whilst in shower, and night), typically before meals.

Toothbrush: violet Coles band (medium).

Squeeze action: Squeezes from the end.


The Criteria:

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Freshness after brushing

Juice Test, a quick swig of Coles Brand ‘Breakfast Juice’

Final comments, and a mathematically sound rating out of ten.


The Contenders:

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Colgate Advanced Whitening: Nathan

For white teeth so healthy they shine!

Taste: For me, the defining toothpaste. It tastes to expectation; clinical.

Mouth-feel: Impactful (tongue tingles). Lets you know it’s here for business.

Freshness: Had me at micro-cleaning crystals. A high degree of mint: leaves a frosty breeze across the dents.

Juice Test: Somewhat palatable, highlights the pineapple.

Final comments: A predictably proper tooth care unit. If you’re content to be bored by your mouth care product, shoot for this. 7.5/10


Macleans Sensitive – Fresh Mint: Caz

Relieves the pain of sensitive teeth!

Taste: Very sweet, reminiscent of a candy cane? No definitive test.

Mouth-feel: Sharp, pepperminty, smooths teeth nicely, very inoffensive.

Freshness: Surprisingly bland and gummy aftertaste. Definitely not the freshest.

Juice Test: Unpleasant, sour, but not the worst!

Final comments: Overly sweet and not as refreshing as I like my toothpaste usually. Bit boring really. 4/10


Coles Total Care: Caz

Toothpaste with fluoride!

Taste: Holy heck! Strong, really strong and bracingly minty.

Mouth-feel: Teeth not smooth, lots of tongue residue.

Freshness: So Fresh Hits of 2007. Hurts to breathe.

Juice Test: Putrid, acidic and cringe worthy.

Final comments: Dark horse home brand came through. Will brush again. 8/10


Colgate Wisp – Peppermint: Nathan

Single use – brush on the go!

Taste:  Dead insects.

Mouth-feel: Like applying violin resin with a boot polish brush.

Freshness: Remarkably fair! Tough to achieve the desired distribution, but what is covered lingers.

Juice Test: Pairs well, a welcome relief.

Final comments: Maybe outside a solitary, night-shrouded roadhouse. Shiv end poked my finger. You can do better. 4.5/10


Colgate Junior (Dora the Explorer) – Sparkling Mint: Nathan

Makes fighting cavities fun!

Taste: Yum. Diminished satisfaction post-spit, however.

Mouth-feel: Big time foam factor. A comfortable oral companion.

Freshness: A firm, but kickless mint. Not sustained after mouth evacuation.

Juice Test: Acrid disgusting nightmare.

Final comments: What seems like a zesty adventure turns out to be a temporary, hollow sham. Gutted. 5/10

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Grants of Australia – Mild Mint with Aloe Vera: Caz

Australia’s original herbal and mineral fluoride-free natural toothpaste!

Taste: Oh whoah, this tastes so plant-ee? You can really taste the aloe, but not the mint.

Mouth-feel: Best feeling mouth yet – not too sharp, well-rounded and gentle froth.

Freshness: Mouth tastes like plants – not fresh as you would think.  

Juice Test: Wow, no real reaction at all. Grant’s cracked it!

Final comments: Not particularly like tooth paste when you’re brushing, more like using artisanal soap. Feel virtuous and clean. 6/10


Homemade – Natural Peppermint: Nathan and Caz

Healthy grit-filled mason jar alternative!

Taste: C: Literally all I can taste is oil. || N: It’s bad, it’s really bad!

Mouth-feel: C: Oh god it hurts! || N: Burns quite a lot. A gritty catastrophe. Ultimately produced a very numb roof of mouth.

Freshness: C: Did I mention the oil? || N:  This isn’t fresh.

Juice Test: C: A welcome break from that unpleasantness.  || N: Creates a Berocca-like sensation. Quite distinguished and appreciable!

Final comments: C: If I wasn’t expecting toothpaste taste then maybe? Or I was really, really broke. || N: Nah. Everything smelt like coconut oil and I felt ill. A potent, tropical ravaging of my person.

C: 2/10 || N:  1.5/10.


Words by Caz Stafford & Nathan Shaw

By Pelican Magazine

Pelican Magazine acknowledges the Whadjuk Noongar people as the Traditional Custodians of the land—Whadjuk Boodja—on which we live, write, and work. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. // Pelican is the second-oldest student publication in Australia and the only independent paper at UWA. If you like having opinions, writing, drawing, and/or free tickets to local events, then Pelican is the place for you! We print SIX themed issues a year, and run a stream of online content. // Email your 2024 Editors (Abbey Wheeler and Jack Cross) here: [email protected] // Where to find us: Upstairs in Guild Village. Address: M300, 35 Stirling Highway, Crawley 6009 WA // Pelican Magazine of the UWA Student Guild & The University of Western Australia.

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