Welcome to UWA! You are now situated in the heart of not only the Golden Triangle, but also a heaving mass of young, sexually excited ladies and gents. Hooray! But how to ensnare one of these prime specimens? How to integrate yourself into Dalkeith when you’re from Mundaring? How to pull a girl from Claremont when you’ve grown up in the ghetto of Armadale? Fear not brave traveller, for here lies the solution to your problems: wine snobbery. What better way to impress members of the opposite/same sex than with your upper-class snobbery knowledge? Let’s get started.
Begin by acquiring wine
Keep in mind this doesn’t have to be good wine. Goon in a bottle does exist, and is certifiably far classier than actual goon purely due to its glass packaging. A great place to start is the bargain bin. All the shit wine nobody wants to buy at low low prices! Another staple is ‘Bowler’s Run’, the Black and Gold equivalent of wine which is almost cheaper than goon. At $2.50/L for some classic Fruity Lexia or $3.80/L for any Bowler’s Run ‘wine’ (yes, I did do the math), there’s not a whole lot in it, and really, that bottle’s going to be useful later when you have to venture back to Midland.
Before you try to impress that special someone, read ahead. Get that dusty Year Eight thesaurus out and look up some tasty adjectives. Another great way to get primed is to read the label before serving the wine to your fine guest. Verbally repeat said label with knowing head nods and hand gestures and you’re well on your way.
Now give us a swirl!
Tip: the less full the glass, the easier it is. I have been told that there is purpose behind this action. God knows what it is, but regardless, swirling makes you look fancy as hell. It’s all in the wrist ladies and gentlemen. Much like some other activities, possibly initiated with the help of wine.
Have a good ol’ whiff
Describe the smell in relation to fruits. Use the wine label as assistance for what flavours are allegedly there. When in doubt: white = citrus, red = overripe berries. Gets them every time.
Let the sweet nectar touch your lips. It may or may not be better than goon, if we’re honest here. If not, continue drinking until you’ve convinced yourself that it is. Of course, prior to this, stunned by your impeccable knowledge, the impressee should well and truly have fallen at your feet. Well done! You’ve picked up in the GT. I bid you well on your future wine-induced travels. Don’t forget to keep that bottle handy.
Words by Rachel King