Luke Thomas, head of the Residential Students Department, can’t recall when The Battle of The Bands began. All he knows for certain is that since time immemorial, those depraved cults we call college have been battling it out for musical supremacy.  Under his watch, the Ref has been transformed into a gladiatorial arena. Five bands shall enter yet only one will leave victorious.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Thunderdome.

The RSD’s Facebook page calls it a well-deserved victory. There’s no shame in defeat when the competition was so intensely fierce. After all – it was only three points between first and second. Yet that slim margin was enough for George’s to seize the Crown, leaving poor old Trinity to console themselves with the steak knives of second place.

Local miscreant Hamish Leahy described the outcome as “Controversial”, before going on to raise allegations of match-fixing by the St George’s bourgeoise. Outgoing Guild President Conrad Hogg was unable to confirm or deny the rumours. “You might very well think that Patrick, but I couldn’t possibly comment”.

All you need to know about this event is that Trinity was robbed.  They had the cojones to pull off a ripper rendition of ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again?’ and ‘Come Together’. Unlike St Cats, their classic covers did not miss a beat – Our collegiate felines stumbled briefly during their otherwise okay attempt at ‘Thunderstruck’.

Opening act and perpetual underdogs UniHall deserve a special mention, if only for the efforts of their talented drummer. The feedback I picked up from around the place was that they put in a solid set, one of their “best performances” according to my source. Starting with and nailing Led Zep’s ‘Immigrant Song’, the convict clad band wound up in Bon Jovi territory by the end of their gig.

I don’t recall much of the other acts, something you can either blame on a memory addled by my liberal attitude towards free beer or their overall averageness.  Not great, not terrible, but certainly not memorable either. I did leave feeling a little impressed at how a bunch of teenagers and twenty-somethings could execute such a well organised event, there being no real hiccups at all in the proceedings.

The real story is that despite the pressures of study and life, George’s somehow found the time to rig a Battle of The Bands contest and steal Trinity’s rightful victory.

Another year, another ill-gotten win for St George’s. Rich white people win yet again. It’s a story as old as time itself and hardly exciting news by this point.

Full disclosure: Not only did this reporter drink far too much, he was also one of the judges. As such he makes no warranties as to the overall accuracy or quality of this article.

Words by Patrick Roso