It’s budget time, kids!

Thought you’d run out of fun alcoholic budget content? Still recovering from getting screwed by the federal budget? Don’t worry! WA has you covered and it’s looking like it will be just as painful.

We couldn’t find a video of Ben Wyatt delivering his actual budget speech because RIP WA so Tyler is doing her own dramatic reading of the hansard transcription.  It’s a pretty apt metaphor for the budget as a whole – the cuts have been brutal guys.

It’s a good budget when:

 

Drink rules are, drink when:

  • They blame the previous government for the current economic situation
  • “Debt” (we have a death wish)
  • “Fiscal responsibility”
  • “GST”
  • “Surplus”
  • “Growth”

Let’s go.

Ben Wyatt (as read by tyler): This is the second budget in 8 months and we are being RESPONSIBLE. As I said last time the only way to bring back SURPLUS is to deliver general expense growth and return to SURPLUS.

Tyler (not as Ben Wyatt): I love that their strategy to return to surplus is by returning to surplus.

Charlotte: What the fuck does, ‘deliver low general expense growth,’ mean?

Tyler: it means WA has to buy the shitty cheese instead of the nice cheese.

Benny Boi: McGowan hasn’t been in a year but we have restrained expense growth to new lows and have RESPONSIBLEMANAGEMENT. Expense growth is very low, the lowest in 20 years. The best expense growth. Brilliant expense growth.

Tyler: He sounds like he’s having fun.

Benno: Growing jobs and diversifying the economy, we will return to surplus in 2021. More money to save the DEBT we INHERITED. The economy is also improving, 30,000 people have found employment since march 2017. Clearly the MCGOWAN GOVERNMENTS PLAN has been starting to deliver. INFRASTRUCTURE. Finances BACK ON TRACK

Tyler: We get it Wyatt, your mum is proud.

Charlotte: This is just so boring. Wyatt needs some jazz hands or something.

Tyler is now doing jazz hands as she reads

Benjamin: We have found other sources, like the federal government paying for metronet and other stuff but most importantly RESPONSIBLE FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT.

Tyler: Fuck I love trains.

Charlotte: Me too.

BW: Infrastructure is good, infrastructure is great. While the federal government is nice to give us money they fucked us with that unfair GST.

Tyler: Even if it was fair I think that WA is committed to being salty about the GST.

Charlotte: It’s not fair until we get ALL OF THE GST.

BW: Fuck Canberra, also we will spend money on Royalties for Regions because paying for the regions is more than just a branding exercise.

Tyler: THE REGIONS.

Charlotte: The shade of it all.

BW: There will be money for a step up step down facility in Geraldton.

Tyler: Geraldton would be a great place for the Step Up movies. Also, the next section is just titled RESPONSIBLE FINANCIAL MANGEMENT.

BW: WE are going to be RESPONSIBLE and return to SURPLUS because we are RESPONSIBLE there is LOW EXPENSE GROWTH. There is not growth in some other areas and some projections and finance and stuff. EXPENSE GROWTH. Lots of budget repair measures. Deficit has been halved.

Charlotte: Fun fact, he says growth 22 times in this speech.

BW: Forecast and projections and surplus, oh my!

Tyler: I am bored reading this and I like numbers.

BUDGET REPAIR

BW: We did some things they were interesting about voluntary target separation scheme.

Note: we could not find any information on what the fuck that scheme is. If you know please tell us.

Benny boi: Government office accommodation reform, point of consumption wagering tax. There was no silver bullet for the PREVIOUS GOVERNMENTS MESS. Liberal national governments SUCKED they sucked because of a bunch of reasons I am going to spend five minutes talking about.

Tyler has gone incredibly sassy/valley girl and it works disconcertingly well.

BW: We wanted to do the gold royalty, but the libs fucked us. We are still bitter. We also increased a surcharge on foreign purchases on policy to follow the other states. We made a RESPONSIBLE DECISION to increase the mining tenement rent.

Charlotte: DEAR GOD THIS IS BORING.

BW: Reduce environment assessment timelines. REGIONAL BUSHFIRE MANAGEMENT.

Charlotte: WE AREN’T EVEN HALF WAY THROUGH.

BW: We will fund this through the emergence services levy and we have had increase some Fees.

Charlotte: I think this is the bit where we pay more for stuff.

Tyler: I need a drink.

BW: We have reduced the number of departments and made everything more EFFICIENT. Through PUBLIC SECTOR REFORM. EFFCCIENCY. Development and implementation of standardised governance arrangements for government trading enterprises.

Charlotte:  I think he genuinely makes this boring on purpose.

BW: We will be making a decision at some point about whether we will sell the TAB

Charlotte: IS TAB OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT???

BW: WE will continue to investigate selling landgate.

Charlotte: I have tried to figure out what landgate is, I think they look after land. I’m not sure but I do know they do sponsored facebook ads.

Tyler: Spicy.

BW: WE will continue to FIGHT For a FAIR SHARE OF GST. LOTS OF NUMBERS. We are being screwed over. It is bad. We don’t like it.

Tyler * starts coughing * Unsure if dying of boredom or just dying.

We genuinely couldn’t make it through the entire speech because there were so many numbers and words so we just watched an ABC report on what happened.

Here are some key takeaways for students:

  • There is going to be an increase in price of power, water as well as public transport. If you use any of those things, we’re really sorry.
  • If you like trains, there will be more trains soon.
  • If you are a foreign investor looking to buy WA land that will cost you more money now.
  • The REGIONS are getting some cool new things so look out for that.
  • There’s also a random three million in grants in there for local contemporary musicians so that’s cool?
  • Someone please Google Landgate and explain what it is to us.
  • If there are any young Labor hacks reading this please tell Ben Wyatt to improve his public speaking.

Charlotte Glance & Tyler Reysenbach