I forgot to write this last week, but that’s ok, nothing really happened in the world of football. Geelong demonstrated they can only play one quarter of football and all my tips were wrong. I’m back, and I’m excited, and I’m ready.

POST WEEKEND UPDATE: This was the worst round of football ever

Collingwood (106) v Adelaide (58) @ Adelaide Oval

What a terrible game of Friday night football. I downed eight standard drinks in the first quarter and I still couldn’t repress my memories of being a young Freo supporter in the Victorian public education system. I do not like seeing Collingwood succeed.
Adelaide had an absolute shocker, with star-small forward turned perpetual disappointment Eddie Betts failing to make an impact before being taken off with a hamstring injury in the third quarter. Collingwood kiddie Stephenson kicked the first goal of his AFL career, and followed it up with four more.

GWS (82) v Fremantle (51) @ UNSW Canberra Oval

No thanks. Filthy umpiring on both sides, filthy weather and a non-existent effort from Fremantle in the third term made this borderline unwatchable. Our boys were very lucky that GWS were so inaccurate in front of goal or else it most likely would have turned into a blowout. Glad to see Tommy Sheridan is still making unforced errors, definitely pleased to see him back in the side. Nathan Wilson shat the bed against his old side and Matt Taberner is back to his old, mediocre self. A low skilled, unremarkable game that was somehow much better than pretty much every other match played this round.

Richmond (110) v Brisbane (17) @ the MCG

Imagine paying $80 for a premium seat at the MCG as a visiting Brisbane supporter and getting this. Imagine going anywhere as a Brisbane supporter. Imagine being a Brisbane supporter.
Not much to say about this game that the scoreline doesn’t already suggest. Dustin Martin kicked a career best 6, more than doubling the Lion’s total. It was Dayne Beams’ 150th, an occasion which the Lion’s really did not show up for.

Unfortunately I’m not in a position to gloat. The current record for lowest ever score is held by Freo, when they scored an illustrious 13 points against Adelaide in Round 15, 2009. I still think about that game sometimes.

Western Bulldogs (78) v Sydney (86) @ Etihad

A bloody corker of a game, comfortably the best of the round. It was great to see a little bit of effort from the beleaguered doggies against an in-form side, following a convincing thrashing of Essendon last week. Marcus Bontompelli played a ripper, and helped the Bulldogs take a 22 point lead early on. And then they just stopped scoring. For like a quarter and a half. Sydney surged ahead with six majors, but scores were level at three quarter time. In the end the Swans managed to capitalise on the Bulldog’s stagnation, after a seven-point play in the closing moments of the final term. A goalless first half from Buddy Franklin gave way to a skilful three-goal effort in the second. Buddy is now the ninth highest goalkicker in AFL/VFL history, which is pretty neat.

North Melbourne (116) v Carlton 30 @ Blundstone Arena

Wow! A North Melbourne-Carlton game! What an exciting proposition.
Seriously, who watched this? Who was this for?
Carlton don’t even get the questionable honour of being the worst team of the round, courtesy of Brisbane. Ben Brown (the human sized baby) kicked five. Carlton captain Marc Murphy pre-emptively went down with the ship, sitting out with a foot injury he incurred during the warm-up.  Tragic stuff really. When both Scott brothers (Brad Scott at North and Chris at Geelong) win in one week, the smugness is genuinely intolerable.

West Coast (139) v Gold Coast (59) @ Optus Stadium

Q: Can this week get any worse?

A: No.

As anyone who has spent any time with me can attest, my general mood is inexorably linked to whether West Coast underperform or not, and right now, West Coast are doing a pretty convincing job of not underperforming.
Gold Coast has been on the receiving end of two consecutive beatings at Optus Stadium and honestly I think it would be best for everyone involved if they just disband. Josh Kennedy (not to be confused with Sydney’s Josh P Kennedy) kicked 5, while Sun’s skipper Tom Lynch (not to be confused with Adelaide’s Tom Lynch) kicked 3.

Essendon (106) v Port Adelaide (84) @ Etihad

If there’s one thing nearly all football supporters can agree on, it’s that watching Port Adelaide getting beaten is a really satisfying thing. In a week of miserable, low skilled football with bloated score-lines, the entire AFL community can take solace in being able to call Port pretenders again. Jake Stringer kicked four! Daniher kicked two! The Power managed to keep the game interesting into the fourth quarter, even as Essendon kicked three unanswered to extend the lead to forty points. Very strange to see Essendon managing to hold onto an early lead, but hey, a Port loss is a Port loss.

Hawthorn (115) v Melbourne 48 @ the MCG

Jeeze, that Essendon/ Power game got a little exciting, I hope the next game’s a little more predictable and average.

Phewph, thanks Melbourne!

Melbourne took an early lead and then did literally nothing for the remaining three quarters. It was like a saboteur had snuck into the Demon’s camp and convinced Simon Goodwin that due to scheduling constraints, Melbourne were only expected to play one quarter of football before being allowed out for recess. Seriously dud stuff – Melbourne entered the first break 5.5 and ended the game 6.12.

Bruest (there’s a joke about birds there somewhere), Roughhead and Shiels had standout games for the Hawks, and helped to remind everyone why we’re so sick of Hawthorn being such a well rounded and standout side. Cyril Rioli looks set to miss a couple of weeks with a knee injury.

Geelong (103) v St Kilda (56) @ Kardinya Park

Kardinya Park is apparently called GMHBA Stadium. Who knew?

St Kilda are bad and Geelong are good. This game pretty much went the way everyone was expecting. Brandan Parfitt (not to be confused with the French desert, Brandan Parfait) played an absolute blinder for Geelong. Former Docker turned St. Kilda defender Dylan Roberton collapsed suddenly in the second quarter, which was a pretty sad sight. Club doctors are reporting it as some sort of ongoing heart problem.

St. Kilda haven’t won in Geelong since 1999, but then again, where have St. Kilda won? It’s going to be a tight contest for the wooden spoon between Carlton, Brisbane and the Saints.

TIPS

Sydney v Adelaide @ SCG
St Kilda V GWS @ Etihad
Carlton v West Coast @ MCG
Port v Geelong @ Adelaide Oval
Fremantle v Western Bulldogs @ Optus Stadium
North Melbourne v Hawthorn @ Etihad
Brisbane v Gold Coast @ the Gabba
Melbourne v Richmond @ MCG
Collingwood v Essendon @ MCG

Geelong v Port should be a good game, tipping Port purely because of the home-ground advantage. No other games of real interest this week except the traditional ANZAC Day clash which is always worth a watch.