Four Pelican editors and a close friend (and intern) travelled to the Windsor Cinema to conduct a comprehensive review of the Chocbomb menu. After discovering that HOKEY POKEY and SALTED CARAMEL were unavailable, we selected ten of the fourteen flavours on offer: Harry (BOYSENBERRY and CAPPUCCINO), Tess (MINT and MACADAMIA), Ryan (RUM AND RAISIN and MANGO), Ruth (VANILLA and CHOCOLATE), and Skye (COOKIES AND CREAM and STRAWBERRY). 

 

HARRY: How do you eat these? I’ve never understood them as a movie food.

TESS: They’re very heavy. And messy.

RUTH: The chocolate coating makes them less messy than a normal ice-cream.

TESS: I think the main reason I came today was because I can never afford to buy food at cinemas, so this was an amazing opportunity for me. My grandpa once took my whole family to see Avatar, we don’t get along with him and he tried to buy his way into our hearts. He spent $100 on cinema food. I got a massive slushy, and on my way to the cinema I dropped it on the floor and he said, “I’ll get you another one” and I was like “damn right you will.”

HARRY: I’m not sure about the lolly on the top – it’s very hard, I think they do it for utilitarian purposes, to identify the flavours, which is sort of like a metaphor for society in a way.

SKYE: Does it worry you that this is the cookie they use to indicate that it’s Cookies and Cream ice-cream inside? It’s a plain Arnott’s biscuit.

HARRY: There’s a distinct lack of boysenberry in this – it’s more of a vanilla, with a streak of berry. I don’t want to be too negative. I like it.

RYAN: You can definitely detect the rum. And who runs out of Salted Caramel?

HARRY: Maybe something bad happened.

RYAN: But if it’s their most popular flavour surely they’d just want to churn it out?

SKYE: [Melted chocolate coating from the Chocbomb has fallen onto her pants]. This was a bad idea [she is referring to being here].

RUTH: This is what I worry would happen in a cinema. If you were on a date, you’d be like oh no.

HARRY: I think movie theaters are bad places for dates. At least in the early stages.

TESS: Same. I went on a date the other day. We went to Utopia (got bubble tea), went to Elizabeth Quay and sat there for a while, we went to the art gallery, then we went and played snooker.

HARRY: That’s a really good date.

RYAN: I want it on record that I’m the first to finish a Chocbomb.

TESS: Well done! You get another Chocbomb.

HARRY: I like the music they play here. Everyone be quiet whilst I Shazam this song.

[Ryan begins tasting the MANGO Chocbomb. Harry and Tess also start tasting their second Chocbombs – TOFFEE and MACADAMIA respectively].

TESS: My whole body is telling me to stop eating, but my love for Pelican is telling me to eat more. This is every lactose intolerant person’s nightmare.

HARRY: I’m taking a break. What movies are even on right now? A Trip to Spain?

RYAN: That is not good. It’s shit [referring to the MANGO Chocbomb]. It’s so bad. It’s tropical. It’s like eating a sorbet.

HARRY: What is toffee? Is it just sugar? It’s too hard to eat, it’s not happening. [A few minutes later, the ice-cream is more edible]. I don’t know if it tastes like toffee, it tastes more like coffee. I love coffee, but I don’t want my ice cream to be coffee flavoured, that’s something only old people get. I like old people. The way they dress, their vibe.

TESS: I like when they are unreasonably rude, like “I don’t have time for this” because it makes me think I can be like that when I’m older. The Macadamia is chock full of macadamias, I’m surprised it didn’t cost more. It’s good. But Mint is number one for me, always.

RUTH: Vanilla is good, but it’s not super creamy which makes it feel like there’s no flavour.

TESS: I’ve never eaten against my will like this – it’s really weird.

RUTH: We have to finish them because your perspective can change by the time you get to the bottom of the cone.

HARRY: Can’t we just assume I won’t want it anymore?

RUTH: Where’s the journalistic integrity in that?

TESS: Call it: We Went to Luna And Ruth Forced Us to Eat Ice-cream.

RYAN: Call it: How I Got Drunk Off of a Chocbomb. Just putting it out there: I interviewed David Stratton in this very spot and I was nervous.

TESS: Did you buy him a Chocbomb?

RYAN: No but he had his own Chocbomb – it was English Toffee.

TESS: Imagine if you went to dinner at his house and Margaret was there and all they ate was popcorn and Chocbombs.

HARRY: He’s a hero. I don’t know if I’m ever wowed by ice creams. I like Golden Gaytimes, but I feel like these pale in comparison.

TESS: The Macadamia was pretty amazing.

SKYE: Mine were pretty underwhelming.

RYAN: I hope this doesn’t kill the Chocbomb experience for everyone. [Editor’s note: it did].

TESS: I’d rather go for the overpriced box of Maltesers.

 [Ruth begins eating the CHOCOLATE Chocbomb]

TESS: Your face is saying: I don’t want to eat this anymore.

RUTH: Yeah, chocolate makes me feel sick.

HARRY: It’s going to be too rich. Can I try it? [Harry takes a bite of the CHOCOLATE Chocbomb]. This is my favourite one.

 

FINAL RATINGS:

TESS: 7/10 for both MINT and MACADAMIA. The experience: it’s really warm in here, nice lighting, comfy chair, pretty good. Sickness level, also a 7/10. Life in general is a 7 these days. It’s not bad, it fluctuates.

RYAN: RUM AND RAISIN: 8/10. MANGO: pretty disgusting, so a low 5. Overall, I do enjoy a Chocbomb over popcorn.

HARRY: That first one (BOYSENBERRY) was a real flop, and the second one (CAPPUCCINO), coffee and ice-cream, not sure if that’s a thing. Reminded me of the inside of a hot car. My mum used to eat ice-creams when we were on the road to the north.

SKYE: Devastated. I rate the ice-cream (STRAWBERRY AND COOKIES AND CREAM) 5/10. Sickness 10/10. I’ll never eat another one again. Not even for money.

RUTH: I wouldn’t pay for a VANILLA Chocbomb. Can’t even think about the CHOCOLATE one. Feeling 8/10 sick. I had a good experience last time I came here and tried the Banana Chocbomb. That was the first time I’d eaten a Chocbomb, and my expectations for today were high.

 

Ryan Suckling and Ruth Thomas  

This first appeared in print volume 88 edition 6 BLUE.