Whittling is a fun thing to do out in the bush, and in the bedroom. I like to carve elves.

You can carve an elf from any tree branch, however, whittlers beware: you are bound to gain a hefty serving of barbaric comments regarding the apparent ‘phallic shape’ of your elves. This is a problem I deal with a lot, and I will address it below.

Firstly, why on earth would I want to whittle a phallus? I could literally see that any day of the year (unless immersed in sub zero temperature – exposed pen 15 contract frost bite). Secondly, I’ll have everyone know that it IS actually an elf. I made it and therefore I should know. People, please refrain from making such ignorant and unfortunate accusations in the future.

Finally, remember your knife safety, and have fun!

Words by Rainy Colbert. Art by Jess Cockerill.

This article first appeared in print volume 88 Edition 2 STOP.