Which toothpaste has got your back? Which deserves your dental dominion? A brief but comprehensive inquisition in to which toothpaste will wash away the detritus of your hectic life and get your mouth fresh to death. Meet your brushing bandits:

Nathan

Regimen: twice a day (morning and night), three times if it’s a special occasion.

Toothbrush: pink Colgate Flexi with tongue bristles (soft).

Squeeze action: Squeezes from the middle (prepared to reform).

Caz

Regimen: twice a day (morning whilst in shower, and night), typically before meals.

Toothbrush: violet Coles band (medium).

Squeeze action: Squeezes from the end.

 

The Criteria:

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Taste

Mouth-feel

Freshness after brushing

Juice Test, a quick swig of Coles Brand ‘Breakfast Juice’

Final comments, and a mathematically sound rating out of ten.

 

The Contenders:

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Colgate Advanced Whitening: Nathan

For white teeth so healthy they shine!

Taste: For me, the defining toothpaste. It tastes to expectation; clinical.

Mouth-feel: Impactful (tongue tingles). Lets you know it’s here for business.

Freshness: Had me at micro-cleaning crystals. A high degree of mint: leaves a frosty breeze across the dents.

Juice Test: Somewhat palatable, highlights the pineapple.

Final comments: A predictably proper tooth care unit. If you’re content to be bored by your mouth care product, shoot for this. 7.5/10

 

Macleans Sensitive – Fresh Mint: Caz

Relieves the pain of sensitive teeth!

Taste: Very sweet, reminiscent of a candy cane? No definitive test.

Mouth-feel: Sharp, pepperminty, smooths teeth nicely, very inoffensive.

Freshness: Surprisingly bland and gummy aftertaste. Definitely not the freshest.

Juice Test: Unpleasant, sour, but not the worst!

Final comments: Overly sweet and not as refreshing as I like my toothpaste usually. Bit boring really. 4/10

 

Coles Total Care: Caz

Toothpaste with fluoride!

Taste: Holy heck! Strong, really strong and bracingly minty.

Mouth-feel: Teeth not smooth, lots of tongue residue.

Freshness: So Fresh Hits of 2007. Hurts to breathe.

Juice Test: Putrid, acidic and cringe worthy.

Final comments: Dark horse home brand came through. Will brush again. 8/10

 

Colgate Wisp – Peppermint: Nathan

Single use – brush on the go!

Taste:  Dead insects.

Mouth-feel: Like applying violin resin with a boot polish brush.

Freshness: Remarkably fair! Tough to achieve the desired distribution, but what is covered lingers.

Juice Test: Pairs well, a welcome relief.

Final comments: Maybe outside a solitary, night-shrouded roadhouse. Shiv end poked my finger. You can do better. 4.5/10

 

Colgate Junior (Dora the Explorer) – Sparkling Mint: Nathan

Makes fighting cavities fun!

Taste: Yum. Diminished satisfaction post-spit, however.

Mouth-feel: Big time foam factor. A comfortable oral companion.

Freshness: A firm, but kickless mint. Not sustained after mouth evacuation.

Juice Test: Acrid disgusting nightmare.

Final comments: What seems like a zesty adventure turns out to be a temporary, hollow sham. Gutted. 5/10

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Grants of Australia – Mild Mint with Aloe Vera: Caz

Australia’s original herbal and mineral fluoride-free natural toothpaste!

Taste: Oh whoah, this tastes so plant-ee? You can really taste the aloe, but not the mint.

Mouth-feel: Best feeling mouth yet – not too sharp, well-rounded and gentle froth.

Freshness: Mouth tastes like plants – not fresh as you would think.  

Juice Test: Wow, no real reaction at all. Grant’s cracked it!

Final comments: Not particularly like tooth paste when you’re brushing, more like using artisanal soap. Feel virtuous and clean. 6/10

 

Homemade – Natural Peppermint: Nathan and Caz

Healthy grit-filled mason jar alternative!

Taste: C: Literally all I can taste is oil. || N: It’s bad, it’s really bad!

Mouth-feel: C: Oh god it hurts! || N: Burns quite a lot. A gritty catastrophe. Ultimately produced a very numb roof of mouth.

Freshness: C: Did I mention the oil? || N:  This isn’t fresh.

Juice Test: C: A welcome break from that unpleasantness.  || N: Creates a Berocca-like sensation. Quite distinguished and appreciable!

Final comments: C: If I wasn’t expecting toothpaste taste then maybe? Or I was really, really broke. || N: Nah. Everything smelt like coconut oil and I felt ill. A potent, tropical ravaging of my person.

C: 2/10 || N:  1.5/10.

 

Words by Caz Stafford & Nathan Shaw