Grandpa Swift Rigby (b. 1879)
Old Swifty was the oldest known Pelican Editor, serving from 1902 to 1925 in the only autocratic kingship in Pelican History. Widely regarded as a mythical figure, Swifty was in fact a real man who lived well past his natural lifetime through black magicks and the ritual sacrifice of contributors. He lived in a series of natural caverns beneath the Swan River where newly-inducted Pelican editors have had to travel every year in order to satisfy the ancient rituals by sacrificing their closest loved one to the shrivelled and soulless husk of Old Swifty. Swift Rigby was thought to have died sometime in January when a Pelican editor was voted in too late to satisfy the blood ritual in time. Upon death it is said that Swifty’s corpse dissolved into a swarm of rats that were then swallowed by series of Pelicans who flew away into the night sky on a full moon.
The Faceless Man behind the Labor Party (b. circa 1944)
Little is known about this man, while first mentioned by Robert Menzies in 1967, he appears to have had little impact upon the ALP until around 2010 when he replaced Kevin Rudd with Julia Gillard. No mention has been made of him in recent years but in March a man was found outside a Canberra Hospital suffering from massive facial trauma and blood loss. While in intensive care it was revealed that the man was directly responsible for at least the last 60 years of ALP history, including every leadership change in recent years. When questioned on the reasoning behind the leadership changes the man replied, through a blood-soaked gurgle, “for a laugh.”
2 Innocent Raw Onions (b. 2015)
These onions were unjustly executed at the hands of a relatively unknown Former-Prime Minister in March. It is not known whether the families of these onions will receive compensation from the Federal Government.
Prince Duke John Orbholm Forsyth Ashcroft III (b. 1929)
Prince Ashcroft, three times voted “least popular member of the Royal Family,” passed away in June to universal praise. While Prince Ashcroft, also known by his pre-1939 German name Claus Von Einherjarstadt, held the current world record in titles, he was also known for occasional demonstrations of cultural insensitivity. Ashcroft was the fourth recipient of Tony Abbott’s ill-fated “Order of Australia” knightship despite repeated comments that Indigenous Australians were “genetically incapable of sportsmanship or making a decent tea” and that the world was secretly controlled by a cabal of Polynesians.
This tumor tragically died in December after it suffered chemical and radiation poisoning. Foul-play is suspected but no suspects have arisen at the time of writing.
Every Satirist in Australia (b. circa 1950-90)
The political climate from about 2013 onwards meant that every single Satirist in Australia starved to death. It seems the Government was such a parody of itself that Satire became completely redundant, putting all of them out of work and forcing them to begin cannibalizing one another. First Dog on the Moon was confirmed as the last living satirical cartoon, after it was able to find tasty morsels on the corpse of David Pope.
This innocent Hepatitis strain tragically died in April when its last host berry was humanely put down.
The veteran actor passed away earlier this year after he sustained massive internal injuries while shooting The Force Awakens, which left a large burn hole through his abdomen. Ford has recently become known for his extreme displays of method acting. He will be most fondly remembered for his Saturn Award-nominated supporting role in Cowboys & Aliens, a role which Ford prepared for by spending four years as a New Mexico cattle rancher before drowning his herd in a massive airdrop of squids.
Words and Art By Hayden Dalziel