By Charlie Mills
Honestly, its winter and it sucks. This cold weather has got me missing brunch and that fundamental human experience – ordering (and later regretting) a big breakfast. Bring me the grease, waiter, I’d like to nap before midday.
Find below a definitive ranking of the elements of a big brekky. For the purposes of this ranking, I’ll be going with the classic elements of a big brekky. That means no spices, no complexity, just a good old fashioned regrettable feast. And when I’m talking big brekky, I’m talking BIG. It better be bigger than anything any human could conceivably eat in one sitting, or I want my money back.
To all my American friends out there, if you even say the word ‘pancake’ to me, I’m throwing hands.
You may disagree, this may ruffle some feathers, and that’s absolutely fine. But just so you know, you’re wrong, and you can’t even claim to be a brunch afficionado. Keep moving, you breakfast poser.
1. Hash Brown
The ultimate king of all breakfasts. The perfect union between fries, chips, mashed potato, and any other form factor of potato melded together into one piece of truly orgasmic fried glory. Plus, usually, they give you two hash browns. Oh my – YES. Put tomato sauce on it, or let it shine on its own, I don’t care. Get it in me.
VERDICT: 12/10. Can do no wrong – just do not give me a ‘potato rosti’ and call it a hash brown. You know what you’re doing, and you’ve ruined a perfectly good brunch. Again, you’re a breakfast poser.
2. Bacon
Bacon is the true star of most breakfasts. To be honest, it was a real toss-up between hash browns and bacon for the top spot, and the only reason I put this into number two is the thiccness debate. If bacon is a thin and crispy dream, oh boy please – let me at it. But the thicker it is, the worse it gets. Yeah, I get it, you’re a cool café and your bacon is unique, but what you’ve given me is a pork chop.
VERDICT: 10/10 (on a good day). Crispy bacon takes the cake on any plate, it has a hard time competing with hash browns. Give me over-thicc bacon and you’ll get slammed on yelp.
3. Eggs
The true workhorse of any breakfast. Too often, were concerned with the divisions egg gives us – some like fried, some like scrambled. Bougie pretenders even like poached. But, at the end of the day, we all love eggs. To me, eggs are the great unifier. Give me fried, but any egg is fine.
VERDICT: 9/10. Eggs most of the time, are blissful. But every now and then scrambled eggs are the texture of chalk, and that’s disrespectful to eggs.
4. Tomatoes
At this point, I know what you’re thinking – this boy hates veggies. But that’s not true. The problem is that the big brekky is not a healthy meal. The addition of tomatoes and mushrooms are a sacrifice really – it’s the cafes way of pretending this isn’t a grease fest intended to cure your pounding hangover. Tomatoes have gotta take the W here though, especially when fried to perfection.
VERDICT: 8/10. Tomatoes can be hit and miss, but they are pretty hard to screw up. Fry ‘em up, salt those bad boys, and it’s a refreshing break that staves off the grease coma.
5. Butter
Fuck it, my fat intake’s already past critical level. Plastic container of butter, put it on my toast and chuck the sausage on top. Send future me my regards.
VERDICT: 7/10. Why did I decide to do this to myself?
6. Sausages
A potentially controversial decision here, but I don’t think sausages should be a breakfast food. You’ve already had your bacon (face it, you have no self-control and you’ve gone for the winners first) and suddenly you’re met with the second meat, which, all too often, is thoroughly underwhelming, and somehow fattier than the bacon.
VERDICT: 6/10. Why are these sausages always such weird lengths? Be lunch or be nothing.
7. Toast
This might look like it’s too low on the list, but toast is a true leader in the breakfast and brunch industries. The only issue is that toast is too often overshadowed by what it holds. Keep your head up queen, we see you and we all love you.
VERDICT: 5/10. A true middle of the ground winner. Stay humble, toast.
8. Baked Beans
Baked beans are something of a classic, but honestly, I could go without them. I’ve already got tomato on the plate, why do I need it in a worse form? Get your canned shit out of here. Fresh meat and eggs for this breakfast lover.
Verdict: 5/10. Are baked beans even baked? What are they?
9. Mushrooms
Honestly who let mushrooms be a part of breakfast? I’m no mushroom hater, but during this Dante’s Inferno of a breakfast, I feel like you’re just judging me at this point, mushrooms. Go be soup please.
VERDICT: 3/10. This might be cause they’re the last thing on my plate, but they’re grey, they’re mushy, and they’re in my way. Next please.
10. Avocado
Yeah, I said it. For too long avocado has been praised by all these bloody breakfast posers, and I’m tired of it. Cancel me if you want, I’ll die on this hill. Take your wet grass and compost it.
And why does avocado have to be on EVERYTHING? Ten years ago, I would have never seen these squishy green balls anywhere near my breakfast indulgence, and now they’re touching my eggs. Big nope.
VERDICT: -5/10. Fight me.
Charlie Mills cannot afford a big breakfast