Image description: A sad clown sits on a wooden bench outside of the Deakin University student housing.
By Deni Campbell and Cameron Carr
Ring-a-ding-ding, you’re speaking to the King(s)!
I’m back for round two of making completely baseless claims about each of the candidates. To give it a bit of zest, I (Deni Campbell) have invited Lifestyle sub-editor, Cameron Carr, along for the ride.
This time around, Cameron and I will be asking important questions and giving important, but unsubstantiated, answers in response.
I would just like to reiterate quickly that I have not personally met any of the candidates, and I’m actually just nonplussed about the whole thing.
Does the candidate value Waluigi as a necessary addition to the Nintendo Universe?
David Hallam, Spark: Yes. A substantial proportion of his party was formed after a bunch of people left other parties – so why wouldn’t he value the greatest outcast of them all?
Rose Scott, Launch: Yes. Waluigi is a signifier of decadent and unregulated capitalism. Imagine how many Waluigis (Walui-gi?) you could buy with your SSAF refund?
Viknash VM, Global: Yes. Viknash looks like a top bloke. Wario was probably getting quite lonely before Waluigi came along. If Waluigi was made for the purpose of making Wario feel accepted and included in the Nintendo Universe, there’s no way Viknash wouldn’t love him.
Emma Mezger, STAR: No. But with a ticket of one-hundred and sixty-six OGCs, what’s one more?
Esa Chrulew, Left Action: No. Again, there is no reason for Waluigi to exist outside of profiteering. Tear Nintendo down and dismantle the gaming industry.
Does watching Peep Show make them uncomfortable?
David: No. Absolutely anything goes out in the country. I’ve heard that the closer you live to Kalgoorlie, the more you actively enjoy watching sex scenes with your parents.
Rose: Yes. Rose looks very regal, and I can only speculate that she froths the British royal family. If I’m correct, I can’t imagine she would have been able to sit through the scene where Jeremy wanks over a bank note with the British Monarch’s face on it.
Viknash: No. Viknash seems like the kind of guy who enjoys engaging with his constituents on a very personal level, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he finds comfort in watching people get it on, point-of-view.
Emma: No. Well, at least, not anymore. I get the feeling that Emma’s a bit of a people-pleaser, and with the cult following that’s developed around the show, I’m sure she’s spent hours desensitising herself to the grittiest scenes so she can remain relatable.
Esa: Yes. Mark is arguably the main protagonist in the series and he’s a ragingly conservative capitalist.
What’s Their Favourite Movie?
David: Not only is Forrest Gump the wholesome story of a man enjoying an extraordinary life, but the inspirational Tom Hanks – outgoing, outdoorsy – seems, to me, like a Spark kind of guy. Also, the repetitive trope throughout the film of ‘Run, Forrest, run’ may have had a subliminal impact on David’s choice to run for Guild President.
Viknash: Your man looks like a candidate who really knows himself, inside and out. So, what better movie than Inside Out? The Oscar-winning best animation is a good pick for favourite film, but did it deserve the prize over Shaun the Sheep? I think not.
Emma: Shrek is, truly, a masterpiece. And while I’m not sure why STAR continues to choose green as it’s party colours, I’d like to think that it’s thanks to Mike Myers’ iconic 2001 film. This movie franchise is all about inclusivity and sing-alongs – with the exception of that god-awful Rumpelstiltskin – shouts Emma.
Rose: Tintin: Destination Moon combines two things I think Rose Scott would love: red rockets and aspirational dreams. This often slept-upon movie is a great hodge-podge of characters, including a guy called Jorgen, who just sounds like someone Rose would hang out with. Don’t ask me why.
Esa: When it comes to the visual storytelling medium that is film, Esa seems to possess a love of the finer things: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room can be the only answer. One thing that really undermines her personal enjoyment of the deeper analytic philosophy of this movie, however, is the laughing of other audience members.
Which Gen 1 Pokémon Are They?
David: The original yellow lightning-bolted bird Zapdos seems like the best match for our Spark Presidential candidate. Zapdos is also found in an abandoned power plant, so not sure what David is doing hiding in a desecrated building. But hey – whatever zaps his boat.
Viknash: Surely a Lapras. Much like how this Pokémon carries Ash across the ocean, Viknash is carrying the wholesomeness of this election entirely on his own. Lapras is also blue, and Global is blue, so there’s that. Lapras can surf, and I’d like to think of Viknash on a beautiful crest of a wave at 5am on a Thursday morning.
Rose: If Rose isn’t a Vulpix, I’ll eat my hat. And that’s a big hat with brim and all. The fiery tail and perfectly coiffed Pokémon is a great representation of Rose. Seriously, does she ever look even slightly unkempt? What’s her secret? Body double? Likely.
Emma: I think she’s a Venusaur. She’s been around in the Guild for a while now, and her seedlings have grown into a pretty massive thicket of bushes and other assorted scrub. When not eating grass from Oak Lawn, much like Venusaur, Emma can be found using stun spore on her rivals.
Esa: An Eevee. She comes across as very adaptable, and also manages to be everywhere at once – like an Eevee using swift. Also, be careful to avoid making direct eye contact with Esa, as she will use tail whip, and you will be defenceless.
Are they Team Jacob or Team Edward?
David: This one is a hard one. He seems like a dog person, which makes me think Jacob – but then again, he may not enjoy sexualising wolves as much as Stephanie Meyer. Lock in Team Edward, just on principle.
Rose: Team Edward. He’s stylish, brooding, and rich: exactly what you’d find at the business school.
Viknash: Team Jacob. I just feel like Viknash would love an underdog!
Emma: Team Jacob. He rides a shitty old motorcycle, which might remind Emma of her alma mater, Applecross Senior High School. I know the type; I went to Melville Senior High School, right around the corner.
Esa: Team Edward. He’s a vegetarian, so he obviously has some sort of moral compass.