How to So you want to make your local Liberal MP’s life just that little bit harder. Don’t we all? But with firebombing their office or throwing caltrops on their driveway comes significant risks. Luckily there is a way to avoid getting your hands dirty: welcome, friends, to the wonderful world of using Icelandic black magic to turn Colin Barnett into a gibbering mess. For starters, let’s try waking the souls of the dead.
For your basic resurrection you’ll need to carve the symbol above onto oak wood, and then anoint the wood with blood from your right big toe and the thumb of your left hand.
Lay the stave on the grave of your choosing (make sure they weren’t a coalition voter in life). Walk three times clockwise and three times anticlockwise around the church or graveyard. At this point, three spurts of earth should erupt from the grave and the head of the apparition will rise from the ground. It is imperative that you grab hold of the neck and maintain your grip until the revenant asks you to release it. If you fail to do this, the apparition will wander aimlessly, and possibly grow angry.
What you command your horde of the dead to do is up to you, but Pelican recommends using them to unfold Scott Morrison’s socks and make his pictures crooked, hoping that one day he will finally break.
To banish the spirits of the dead, return to the cemetery in which you found them, take three steps over the grave and combine sulphur with equal parts of consecrated wine and vinegar. Burn the sulphur in three chunks, and use the remaining ash and dust to massage the soles of your feet and the palms of your hands. Doing so should ensure that this plan doesn’t backfire, rendering your socks unfoldable for the rest of your life.
Words by Hayden Dalziel