Question 1:

“You’re such an amazing person and friend. Why are you so amazing!!? Can you teach me how to be the amazing mango that you are? Your kindness, competency and vision are so incredible. I am so excited and in awe of your passion. You’re so wise and knowledgeable.”

Was this:

a) A weird sycophantic mess of a comment left on a Pelican Article
b) A heartfelt outpouring of emotion to my French mistress that inexplicably contains the word ‘mango’

Answer:

It was of course, a weird sycophantic mess of a comment left on a Pelican Article. This is obvious because although all of the above is true of Antoinette, it was always clear to me that we were never friends, and to her it was purely a relationship of transactions.

Question 2:

“Do you not remember the week we spent on the Riviera, with nothing but each other’s company and enough marching powder to kill a horse to keep us entertained? How can your heart be so fickle, was I really just another customer to you? Your beauty is exceeded only by your cruelty.”

Was this:

 a) A strange public outburst denouncing of the politicisation of friendship in guild politics
b) A note scribbled and posted to Paris in the midst of a furious drunken stupor

Answer:

While I think you would need enough blow to fuck up a mare to endure running for Guild, I’m pretty sure this is one of mine.

Question 3:

 “I don’t think anyone could be more eloquent than you. Well-spoken and clearly informed and actually did your research. It’s pretty obvious you’re the top choice.”

Was this:

 a) A STAR candidate pouring saccharine on another STAR candidate in a sort of fake-sugar circle jerk
b) A Yelp review I left Antoinette highlighting her ingenuity and understated intelligence

 Answer:

Actually both. It’s either an extraordinary coincidence or someone at STAR has been monitoring my Yelp, stealing my reviews so they can approximate something approaching real human sentiment.

Question 4:

 “You are such an amazing and talented person! I’m so glad to have met you. You are always so helpful and kind, and in the time I’ve known you I can’t believe how switched on you are! Your passion and dedication is incredible.”

Was this:

a) An extremely vague list of positive attributes heaped on a fellow Launch candidate in a half-hearted attempt to be recognised

b) A declaration of my feelings for Antoinette, my mind clouded by the haze of new romance, blind though I was to the loveless nature of her business

Answer:
Another corker from the guild race. Seriously though, to the author of this comment, please learn some more interesting adjectives. It’s like you aggregated all of the dullest guild comments and combined them into a sort of ‘best-of’ for guild fawning. See me after class.

Question 5:

 “The smell of your perfume fills my apartment like the coolest breeze on a stifling day. When we said goodbye this morning, I felt as though part of my soul went with you. I am giddy with love, like I’m only now discovering for the first time what it means to need someone.”

Was this:

a) A strangely erotic response to Launch’s plan to introduce $2 middies at the Tav

b) The earliest rumblings of feelings more sincere than any I had felt before 

Answer:

People really get around the idea of cheap piss.

Hugh Hutchison | @ugh_hutch

I would like to assure any family members and potential employers who might come across this article that I’ve never been addicted to cocaine and my relationship with Antoinette was purely spiritual.