Izzy: Hi it’s Izzy
Laura: And this is Laura
Izzy: And you’re about to listen to Thicc Queens In Cars
Laura: We’re driving to uni, telling you about our adventures as two ‘thicc’ brown queens
Izzy and Laura: Enjoy ~
Izzy: Um, so, this week’s episode. Laura do you want to kick us off by – just give our listeners your TLDR on your love life. What’s going on, what’s the history?
Laura: [Laughs] Dear listener – all two of you. So, we just drove past an ambulance and it gave me a little good metaphor for my love life. It’s like my love life’s unconscious and the ambulance arrived. The ambulance is like Tinder, or two drinks and a man who is passable – at a bar, and it’s just a little, just using the pedals. Just trying to make it happen.
Izzy: [cuts in] Trying to revive your love life
Laura: But it’s been unconscious for a bit of time. We’ve lost oxygen you know.
Izzy: It’s like a bliss (?), you’ve got a bliss! Hold up –
Laura: No, no, no. Flat lining.
Izzy: That’s a beautiful, complex metaphor for such a simple question. I loved it.
Laura: Thank you so much. I have an Arts degree.
Izzy: You have an Arts degree?
Laura: Hire me.
[Making jokes, Laughing]
Izzy: Why aren’t all the boys lining up with jokes like these?
Laura: And a laugh like this
Izzy: And a voice like this!
Laura: You sound a bit Broadway, which is your dream
Izzy: Oh, that is my dream! See, my love life is non-existence but I’m fine. I honestly need to find myself a man who works on Broadway who is not gay. And I would be loving life, and have Broadway babies and (that) would be amazing.
Laura: How was your Tinder?
Izzy: Tindering is fun. It’s like umm, how to meet someone who would definitely murder you in the future.
Izzy: Murderers Craig’s list – for love. Currently to protect myself, my Tinder bio is ‘No serial killers on my profile, thanks’. Because that will get them. They would be like ‘Oh! She said no serial killers’ – so they might just swipe right, or left.
Laura: Well mine is no Scorpios please. So it is pretty much the same.
Izzy: Back to the star signs. We get it!
Laura: But I get a lot of people who are like ‘But I’m a Scorpio’. Then I’m like, ‘You a Scorpio?’. Then they’re like, nah I’m a cancer. Then I’m like – ‘Well Brad, why are you arguing with me?
Izzy: ‘Well Brad what is wrong with Scorpios? I’ll tell you’
Laura: Well Brad, you play rugby that’s it. We’re done.
Izzy: Well yeah, Tinder’s been a vibe. I met someone on Tinder last year, which was interesting. Umm, probably never again. He was just messed up.
Laura: They were all bad guys.
Izzy: Yeah. That being said, I do get a lot of things out of that brief period of my life when we went on several dates.
Laura: Tell me more, tell me more!
Izzy: I got umm, multiple dinners, several movies. That’s it. I just got a lot of free meals. It was beautiful.
Laura: What I got from my Ex is like, a basic understanding of Star Wars
Izzy: [Showing disgust] and D&Ds (possibly Dungeons & Dragons game) – don’t forget that.
Laura: Yeah, and D&Ds. It would be a month’s in and I’d be like ‘Sorry what? Can I do that? Is it my turn?’ – like it was just not good. But I was trying! I want that to be known.
Izzy: You were trying really hard, you gave it a red hot go.
Laura: I gave it such a red hot go. I hadn’t watched any Star Wars before I started seeing him.
Izzy: And he became part of our political party so, I guess he also gave it a red hot go.
Laura: Yeah so, who wins? The Star Wars franchise or the great Australian party?
[Laughter and Inside jokes]
Laura: I think you could guess though. I mean, we’re brown so we’ve eliminated a number of them like, One Nation?
Izzy: Wait, you’re not a member of One Nation? I am. Pauline got me.
Izzy: Honestly, there’s too many types of boys now. They’re fucked up. There’s fucking fuck boys – no. 1. There’s soft boys or right boys – STAY CLEAR!
Laura: [ Laughs histerically ]
Izzy: Labour boys, green boys [Makes disgusted sounds]. But like, there’s just too many fucking types of guys out there. Like, in cells, cells –
Laura: [cuts in] Elbow cells!
[Both laughing histerically]
Izzy: What is that?
Laura: That’s one of them! Someone was like, ‘women don’t sleep with me because of my elbows’
Izzy: Yes I remember that! That was the saddest thing I’ve ever read!
Laura: And I was like ‘if only elbows was your only problem Gary’ [laughs]
Izzy: Gary, you’ve got a broken cell. Everyone –
Laura: [cuts in] do not run with your jizz, sweatpants (saying this with much sass)
Izzy: [Laughs in disgust] You’ve never changed your sheets in you entire life because you didn’t think it had to be done.
Laura: You don’t know what a flat sheet or a fitted sheet is. You just sleep on the sh-matress.
Izzy: You think the mattress protector is the sheet Gary!
Laura: No but seriously why do so many boys like. Okay I think I’m 22 now and I’m just at the period of my life when I’m realising I need to stop – when I go in a sharehouse and I see a mattress on the floor and not a bedframe –
Izzy: Walk right out!
Laura: Walk. Right. Out. Cause you know what he’s gonna do? He’s gonna play you like a fiddle.
Izzy: He’s gonna play you –
Laura: In his old band that plays like a bird
Izzy: He’s edgy and you’re like, at first ‘oh he sleeps on the floor, he’s chilling’. And then you’re like – I’m on the floor, it’s disgusting.
Laura: Please tell us weird things boys say on Tinder. You go.
Izzy: umm, ‘What race are you?’ ‘My mom wont let me date Whites’
Laura: [Laughing histerically] What do you reply to that?
Izzy: I don’t know, I just – [Voice imitation] I’m a human look it up
Laura: What do you actually say?
Izzy: I don’t reply.
Laura: I think I had – someone the other day said, oh I don’t want to misquote them. They said ‘I guess you swipe right’ and then they had that face that has the ‘hmmm’ that inquisitive face. And then ‘will this be a Romeo and Juliet?’. And then I was like, ‘I hope we both live though’.
Laura: And then I just – do people think these things all the way through? I have sick lines. Like if we have a weird mutual interest. One time, I was like ‘oh a thing that we’ve liked’ – like a joke on Facebook. And he was like ‘yeah you bet!!’ and then just didn’t go any further. And I’m like [disappointed] yeah it’s fine.
Izzy: Whenever I matched with a random backpacker they’re always like – ‘Hey, want to show me around Western Australia? And I’m like – it’s called Trivago, fuck you!
Izzy: I’m not doing the work for you. Actually, Trivago’s for hotels.
Laura: [Recites advertisement tagline] Hotel, Trivago. Sponsor us. That’s how we’re gonna give a smack.
Izzy: Some guys straight up come and like ‘I love you’.
Laura: And that’s not winning anything.
Izzy: Like you think this works in your head. It does not work. Sounds like lying. I’m going through Tinder trying to find the funny stuff. GOD! Anyone who super-liked me I un-match immediately!! Do not super-like me that’s fucking weird.
Laura: I think it kind of breaks your no serial killer rule.
Izzy: Yeah! You only super-like if you’re a serial killer. I’ve only super-liked once and that was an accident. And I couldn’t undo it. I tried to check my phone.
Laura: I know this too well and it really says who I am. I always messaged the wrong person, so I’ve gotten good at swiping up quickly, airplane mode, deleting the message and going back like nothing had happened.
Izzy: [amazed] Woaaahh! That’s a heck and a half. [whispers] Life tips.
Laura: You’ve got so many messages!
Izzy: I know there are literally hundreds in here. [Awkward laughter]. Not to brag, but this is going back. Every time I delete my account, it doesn’t actually delete.
[Sounds of opening doors]
Laura: Yeah, I just want to clean slate it, I want to reset my life. But it’s Perth so it’s never really a clean slate.
Izzy: I just found one message. [giggling to herself] I can’t even talk. I just found one message of me saying in capitals ‘WHAT ARE YOU SAYING??’
[Both laughing histerically]
Laura: I mean, I don’t want to sound like an old person but in this day and age – love is dead, they just swipe away the faces and abs of threaded men. Like yeah, I’ll have fun with that. But it’s like, I don’t know. People just don’t –
Izzy: There’s just no boyfriends around. A fuck boy, a soft boy, a right boy, a greens – fuck you. Literally. Don’t fuck a green! Get back in your cave, Adam!
[Both laughing histerically]
Izzy: But there’s no one beautiful anymore. Like beautiful internally. A lot of people are beautiful externally, but they’re no internal beautiful boys around.
Laura: You sound like an in-cell
Izzy: [screams] IN MY OPINION!
Laura: You sound like an in-cell.
Izzy: [Dramatic response] Oh Jesus, I think I am an in-cell. Fucking hell. I’m getting on reddit. [Creating a usename] Izzy Wilson 77 fuck men underscore, seriously fuck them all.
Laura: this is really devolved and not an accurate representation –
Izzy: Noo, this isn’t me. It’s going for a bit, and it’s now going on for too long.
Laura: [Jokingly] Cut it out.
Izzy: But there are – can we look at in-cells for a second because I’m looking at one right now. Pink shirt. [giggles]
Laura: Stop it. Where??
Izzy: He’s with a girl and he’s holding flowers but like –
Laura: He’s cute!
Izzy: But friendzoned.
Laura: There’s no such thing as a friendzone.
Izzy: Yeah, that’s right that’s not. Can you describe, can you tell me about that?
Laura: As in, it puts pressure on the women that like it will shame on you for like ‘oh not wanting to be with me’. It leads into the whole like ‘oh you gotta get out of the friendzone’. No, sometimes women just don’t want to fuck you but it doesn’t mean you’re like – you know what I mean? Like you’re not a value.
Izzy: Yeah. I do.
Laura: it’s like you got to get out of the friendzone but no, we just don’t want to fuck you.
Izzy: I think friendzone will be fine if a guy don’t ruin it and say they want to get out of it. Just accept that you’re friendzoned and I don’t want to fucking talk to you or bang you. Because it would work if guys didn’t ruin it, like how they ruin everything.
Laura: Is this a fit or is this you now?
Izzy: I don’t know where I’m going. I’m trying to be that controversial person but I think I’m just like –
Laura: Are you Alex Jones in this?
Izzy: [Many voice] Someone’s got to do it!!
Laura: I’m also like someone needs to teach the masses and like [starts singing] you just got to –
Izzy: [Weird sounds]
Laura: What’s on your vision board?
Izzy: My vision board is telling me that I want to get married, very soon.
Laura: Are you for real?
Izzy: I just want to get married.
Laura: Why don’t you just looking forward to your 25th birthday or just hold a really big party
Izzy: I want to hold a really extravagant 25th birthday but that’s different to a wedding because wedding would be more than that.
Laura: Your wedding will be a bajillion dollars.
Izzy: Yeah it will be a bajillion dollars. But I don’t have a partner so that’s pretty hindered. So my love life so far – the TLDR – it’s been pretty bland this year. Just a lot of stats
Laura: [disgusted] oh don’t use that word. [Stuttering] I can’t speak, literally.
Izzy: [imitating her stutter]. [Weird voice] low stats with the boys.
Laura: SO would you say, Nandos rating of spice, is it lemon&herb?
Izzy: I think it’s the next one. Lemon&herb is sadness. I’m not lemon&herb for fucks sake. I think I’m mild.
[Discussing Nando’s spicy levels]
Izzy: Last year was an interesting year for me, for my dating life. I dated two people. One off tinder. I went on the Tinz.
Laura: I think we need to clarify what it means (to date). In this day and age, I also get confused.
Izzy: I think dated means you’re not going out at all. You just happen to date. But other people would be like, ‘your’re girlfriend and boyfriend’
Laura: But you went on dates.
Izzy: Yeah, like these two people. Ladies, top tip from Izzy! Calculate how much the bill is to every date when he pays. So at the end when everything goes to shit, you total up how much money you earned in those months of you life.
Izzy: I earned about a grand. I fucking did! I calculated and it was a lot because I didn’t pay for one fucking thing. Because women don’t have to pay.
Laura: Until the gender pay gap is fixed, I don’t care if we fix
Izzy: I genuinely earned 1k.
Izzy: There were many good nights. I think that’s something to be said. I don’t have a boyfriend but I’m fucking killing. We’ve had some good times. You don’t have to have a boyfriend to have so much fun when you’re out with your gals. I think boyfriends are a buzz kill.
Laura: I saved so much money since I broke up with my boyfriend because I’m not just sitting on his chair ordering ubereats every other day.
Izzy: Honestly, you did go out of the group a bit when you were out with the ex.
Laura: I did, I did.
Izzy: We had a side chat.
Laura: [Upset] Oh no, not a side chat!
Izzy: In a group of girls, if there’s a side chat about you – you’ve gone off the road. There were like 10 events in a row where you were like ‘sorrryyy’. I’m sure I have a side chat.
Laura: No you don’t.
Izzy: Really? I’m so annoying, I’d definitely make a side chat about me like ‘FUCK, can she not message the groupchat like 10 times in a row and each line is a different word in a sentence.’
Laura: Well, I just send many memes that people don’t respond to. Cause if they don’t get it – I take it elsewhere
Izzy: Thanks so much for listening guys, now what did takeaway Lauz?
Laura: I think that if you don’t see fitted sheets, you get out!
Izzy: RUN GIRLL!
Laura: It means there’s no life skill. It means they probably have issues with themselves. I mean, they don’t love themselves if they’ve got no fitted sheet. So watch out.
Izzy: And you know what else, if you like a guy but you’re not too sure if you like them – just get as much free shit as you can. Take all the dinners take all the movies. Because why –
Both: FEMINISM! [laughs]
Laura: We’re gonna get so many MRAs.
Izzy: Honestly, Laura’s student number is – [jokes]
Izzy: But thanks for listening!
Transcribed by Nurul Zainal