The article that Pelican, and indeed UWA, has been waiting for – the best places to bang on campus.
UPPER CAMPUS – ARTS, MUSIC
- The Music Department practice rooms are a prime location, if you are ever feeling the need to blow that clarinet or bang that timpani. Sign up for a music broadening unit, and you have weekly access to soundproof practice rooms and all the rehearsal space you could want. There’s never been a better time to take that beginner’s percussion unit with the person you’re crushing on. Want to take a step into a more committed, three year relationship (and have some musical talent?), then sign up for a music major, and you get bonus, 24/7 keycard access. Hot.
- Winthrop Hall. So many corridors, so many balconies, so many hidden backstage areas. So many options. Find a spot at the right time of the afternoon, and you can be bathed in beautiful stained glass sunlight whilst you and your beloved get it on. It’s kinda dusty though, so for some folks an inhaler may be recommended. You do you. And, you know.
- On stage in the new Fortune Theatre, for the thespians and exhibitionists amongst us. There’s no better place to get your peacock on and ruffle your feathers with a potential mate. Hardly anyone goes to lectures anymore, it’s highly unlikely anyone will see you.
- Second floor of the Arts Department has no shortage of recording studios and computer labs. Again, soundproof rooms! Able to be privately hired for up to an hour at at time! Load up your Spotify playlist on one of the Macs, turn off the studio lights and you’ve just made yourself an intimate home. Green screen and camera equipment also available upon request. No kink-shaming here.
- Get down and dirty in the wood chips and make a night of it in the Somerville. As long as you don’t object to mosquitoes, or the feeling of exposure that having sex in the middle of an outdoor auditorium brings, you’ll love it.
- Literally, colleges. Thousands of rooms, with beds and floors and cupboards and desks. Find yourself a college babe, and you’ve instantly got a ‘private’ space where you and your boo can fornicate to your heart’s (and their next door neighbour’s) content. Just watch out for the sudden fire alarms. Mood killer.
- Sunken Garden. This is fucking obvious. Need any more be said?
- Lawrence Wilson Art Gallery. Depending on what exhibition is on, there might not be a lot of people there. Or if there is, just say the work is avant-garde and whoever walked in and is freaking out, their reaction is a good lesson for them in their own repressed sexuality. Just say you’re performance artists.
MID CAMPUS – ENGINEERING, GUILD, REID
- There are even more natural getaways the further down campus you move. Tropical Grove, for when you wish you were having “fun” in Ibiza instead of studying for exams! Matilda Bay, for the romantics! The middle of James Oval, for those who have nothing to be ashamed of!
- The Pelican office. Please, both our head editors are single and ready to mingle. They’re both lovely, and we have a couch and lots of floorspace. Someone date them please. You can follow Katie on Instagram here and Josh here. Slide into their dms and their….office. Find them on tinder, here.
- The close-to-central location of Guild Village is ideal for the mid-day mingle. After meeting up for a lunchtime Tinder, Grindr or Bumble date, head up to any one of the club or department rooms to find an intimate hideaway. Plenty of corners are empty in the Cameron Hall staircase, and all the abandoned rooms above the newly refurbished Ref offer some valuable peace and quiet.
- Ah, the Guild offices. Apparently you win extra points for fucking on the already broken chair which exists in the executive rooms? To quote an anonymous source: ‘broken chair has already gone through it, unclear if its broken because somebody fucked on it or not.’ The only downside would be having to date a Guild hack. Good luck. Break up with them before Guild Elections and then write for us! Win-win.
- Into My Kitchen Rules? Crave some naughty Gordon Ramsey role-play? The Tav kitchen is your answer. Since it isn’t being used for anything for the near future.
- The behemoth: Reid Library. Why let your assignments and end of year exams screw you over, when you could get someone else to do it instead? So many floors, private study rooms, desks, ‘Can a Reid Library moat joke be made here?’ Yes, you anonymous sexual fiend. Yes it can. Think of all the private study rooms. So many.
LOWER CAMPUS – BUSINESS, SCIENCE
- Science Library. For God’s sake, the place is nicknamed BJ for a reason.
- The final key naturalist escape – the Botany Gardens. May as well tick both your partner, and sex in a greenhouse off your to do list, right? And there is all this research coming out that spending time out-doors is better for you anyway, so get to it, get on it.
- Common Purpose Building- plenty of tute rooms for you and your baby to share a common purpose or two 😉 😉 😉
- Plenty of couches in the Engineering building. You just might have some trouble convincing an engineer to sideways tango with…if you’re a straight dude, still deeply unclear if more than ten women in engineering exist.
- Feel like experiencing the work hard, play hard lifestyle of a white-collared finance mogul? The Business School’s trading room is the place for you. It’s almost like having lunch break sex in a Big Four office on St George’s Terrace. If you close your eyes.
IN THE VICINITY
- Literally in the middle of The Mounts Bay Road roundabout. Yes, this is a real suggestion. Yes, this has been done before. Repeat performances strongly encouraged, as long as road rules are abided by. By that we mean, always indicate at roundabouts! And use protection, obviously.
- Take an evening stroll down to the little blue Boatshed on Mounts Bay Road. It’s a perfect nautical-themed adventure – if you make it past the hordes of tourists with cameras, bridal parties and exchange students who all take the same photo.
If you have any further suggestions to improve this list, send them to email@example.com. Since I now have the reputation of being a sexual Agony Aunt for the UWA populous, I’d love to hear them.