I’m not sure if I have a phobia or just a prejudice against seeing good underwater. I’ve told people before, if man were meant to be a fish then the caveman would’ve been fish. Scientists have yet to prove otherwise.

I can’t stand them. The living ones I mean. Fish. I can’t stand being in the same room as a fish, and the ocean is one big fish hotel room.

In the ocean the decor sucks. Everything is slimy, the walls move about, and there’s too much salt. On top of that, the only sound you can hear underwater is the heightened sound of your own breathing, making you feel like the bit in Silence of the Lambs where Bubbalo Bill grabs Peter Jackson’s camera and follows Jodie around in the dark to give her a fright. Scary.

In conclusion, snorkeling is not for me, and if I were senator I’d outlaw it.

This hobby gets a Dome rating of 1 Seafood Basket and 2 Babycinos.

Words by Rainy Colbert. Art by Chakris Srisuwan.

Originally published in Pelican Magazine Issue two 2017.

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