I drank a lot of milk so you don’t have to.

Harvey Fresh permeate free free range milk
‘fresh milk’

This tastes like standard milk. It is light and creamy though slightly thin, so possibly watered down. True to form, it leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth that might be best described as milk backwash.

5/5 for your standardised milk.

 

A2 Milk
‘feel the difference/full cream/the milk that’s ALL A2’

I am unsure what “A2” means in milk terms. I check the back of the bottle for clarity. There is an image of two cow silhouettes – one filled in purple with “A2” branding in the centre and “A2 Milk” written beneath. The other cow is shaded half grey and half purple with “A1” written on one side and “A2” on the other, labelled as “regular milk”. I do not know what regular milk is. A1 and A2 mean nothing to me, an uninformed milk drinker. I can only think of paper sizing.

There is a subtle chalkiness-in-the-mouth feeling gained from drinking this milk. Otherwise, the only other difference I can fathom is the lack of the feeling of having oncoming bad breath. If this milk is for “the thinking man”, it is also for the ones with agreeable breath too. To add – milk is also sweeter, though not in an artificial way, which is… creepy.

5/5 for intriguing branding.

 

Brownes Premium Milk WA farm fresh Full Cream Milk
ALL NATURAL

Wow. If anything, I can really taste the difference. There is a flavour here reminiscent to milk that’s been bathing a wheaty bar o’ bix. Almost yeasty. Important to note, the weird and thin coagulated milk substance lining my mouth right now. Unclear whether this is what happens three milks in, or is a result from drinking the Brownes milk.

5/5 for being itself.

 

MASTERS Full Cream
MADE IN WA E.S.T. 1959

The yeast taste is not present in this milk, and it is the most standard and regular tasting milk I’ve tried so far. The consistency is something that would best be paired with cookies. A milk you wouldn’t mind getting soggy with.

5/5 for milk.

 

FARMHOUSE Gold
CREAM ON TOP UNHOMOGENISED

Gee. This milk is setting up big standards for itself. The crème de la crème is what’s being boasted here – matte gold accents and all. Though as soon as I go to pour I’m on the receiving end of disappointment. Or respect. They pulled through with the ‘cream on top’ – to the point where actual milk is unobtainable unless you don’t mind squeezing the bottle for a disgusting scene of milk escaping past congealed cream. Down to the taste now. The consistency and flavour is milky, yet very thin, and only the aftertaste leaves the resounding flavour of the cream.

5/5 for confidence.

 

GRUMPY FARMER
GOURMET DAIRY

You can tell their marketing forces made the branding a focal point. I find the brand‘ Grumpy Farmer’ interesting. As a person in acquaintance with multiple farmers, along with being a part time farmer myself, it can only be personally regarded as cynical. The words “gourmet dairy” make me chuckle on the inside. I like the shape of the bottle – it pours well. Oh my god. There are pieces of gelatinous cream in my pouring. They melt in the mouth. And taste unpleasant. I feel uncomfortable. I can’t even focus on the flavour of the milk right now, I think I’m going to vomit. Ok. I’ve regained my composure. The milk taste. It’s bad. Comparable to mucus. I will not purchase again.

0/5 on all levels

 

SUNNYDALE
DAIRY PREMIUM

I am anticipating this. The last milk. The most unique taste yet. Gee whiz, it’s downright sour – I understand why this brand has branched out to flavoured milks (which I do enjoy). A perfect circle of cream plopped right out of this one too. I barely saw it happen.

5/5 for stealthy cream

 

I would not recommend drinking 7 different types of milk one after the other in quick succession, unless you’re looking for a transcendent milk experience. Exhausting. This is your friendly and local milk drinker (ha – ha Skyrim players) over and out.

Words and photography by Skye Newton.

This article first appeared in print volume 88 edition 3 SOAP.