Christ don’t they look smug.14445855_1411645192198078_840909185_n

Yup. Smug.

And so the saga ends. To the betterment of all except disgusting smear-all journos, we have travelled along a relatively lacklustre campaign trail – gathering only pocket chocolate fetishes and heightened inner torment along the way. Which brings us to now, at gauntlet’s end, finding ourselves under the light of a new Nevinny star. Well done Nevin. Well done. We gotta say, we are thoroughly disappointed in old hack Chad Bensky for not orchestrating a huge public screaming match, as per our instructions. Consider this the end to our sunny heart-to-hearts on Oak Lawn benches, Chad. No, I will not like your profile picture – no. You gave me nothing.

NOTHING.

Other stars have been seen exploding rapidly around the new Guild President – from Women’s Officer Hannah Matthews to SOC Council President Michael Kobondo Kabondo (name-check for spelling, UWA Student Guild). From the ten so far announced, we’re seeing an even 50:50 representation of men and women on the council, which is nice. Also nice is seeing Mackenzie Huggins as a non-dude Sport’s Representative. We are relieved we weren’t around last night after 9:15 p.m. though to see suited people blub, engage in back-slapping of terrifying force, and do a fun game called ‘bullet shots’ at the Tav afterwards.

Game Rules:

> Each candidate gets 9 ‘bullets’

> Candidates allocate these bullets to whichever other candidate they think has done something noteworthy over the campaign

> The candidate who at the end has the most bullet-holes in their gullet has to scull an entire jug

Last night it was Launch deputy campaign manager Michael McKenzie, who was promptly kicked out.

Current Guild President Maddie will continue her tireless service to the student body as Senate Representative over a two-year term, destined no doubt to become even more the darling of UWA’s ageing Senators. From a recent profile image update, she seems happy about it.

cute

Meanwhile, Launch is still grounded. We waited, tapping our watches awkwardly, but no little rocket ships have appeared to zoom about these STARs just yet. True, lift-off might yet happen in a sputtering-engine kind of way – there are still the Ordinary Guild Councillors to be announced. These will come in next week, when counting resumes on Tuesday. A whole, long weekend of not caring.

So yeah, sure: it’s a banger of a win for STAR. Still, the margin for Guild President is far tighter than it was compared to last year’s landslide. This shouldn’t be much cause for fret for the party though, or give much solace to Launch, as it looks more like a rebound than a surge. Give an eyeball to the graph below:

graff

I had to skip 2014, because the WAEC page is telling me that Lizzy O’Shea won on the back of only 0.3% of the vote that year, despite Emma Norton’s 49.77%, and that a mere 665 valid votes were cast. We did have an offer of succour come in from an unnamed source – but alas, we were not on campus to receive it.

out-of-handOut of hand.

In some ways, the data is mildly surprising given the yawing chasm when it comes to comparing the two candidates’ experience. Our man Nev has for years been a constant, bouncy presence in almost more campus walks of life than anyone has a right to. From Vice-President of the Postgraduate Student’s Association, to PROSH Marshal, to SOC President, to DESI President and Treasurer: he’s been known in all the boroughs. Wei, on the other hand, has never set a foot inside a Guild Council meeting to the best of our belief. And so it shall be for at least another year yet. Ah well Wei – trust us, they’re shit boring ay.

On the other hand, the figures make sense. Wei is new. She’s ‘fresh’. She’s different. Against Nevin’s happy-go-lucky tranquility, she has bite. Give her a room, she’ll get it jiving. The party’s money-saving pledge of online elections also gained traction; though STAR’s counter-offer of automated booths was a more specific platform that the Guild are already considering.

Who voted, anyway? Did you? You didn’t, did you. Earnest woollen sweater candidate is disappointed. Look at that sad little slope.

graff2

This graph comes to you via the painstaking labour and eclesiastical statistical devotion of Jack Looby

We blame fan-fic author Rae Twiss for not bothering. The filthy trendsetter.

Stuff, nonsense, outrageous bias by Kate Prendergast, who will now search e-bay for a soul-pump