Today was lovely, wasn’t it? I was okay today. Thanks for not asking. No really – R U OK Day is bollocks. Strained, sad bollocks. Anyway, what I did was this: I sat on our special crocheted woollen rug on Oak Lawn and had another icecream, doing pretty much zippo. It’s becoming a trend. Our Music Editor Harry meanwhile read a memoir for his Creative Writing unit, written by this 80-year-old rich dude who discovered that the Spirit-God Christ Consciousness was the way to a wholesome life, and also that you can shoot “laserbeams of thought” at your ears to cure tinnitus. Callista, who was also there, muttered insults at passers-by and frustrated a duck. Knowing that Guild candidates are probably cooped up indoors preparing for their big campaign launch tomorrow, I was gladdened, lying there. All cosy and not a stupol and shit.

After the frustrated duck had waddled off, and with what I consider insurmountable courage and outstanding maturity, I had a look over where Pelican was at and how it was faring this time last year. It seems to me there was a great deal more goss being laid into the previous editors’ laps. Is this because Kat and Lucy were more connected? More approachable? More beloved of hacks? Do I want to be beloved of hacks? Really? But seriously why would you. Is there something in the fact Lucy herself was once enrolled with STAR, perhaps constituting a vital bridge across the historic Pelican/Guild divide? (Because of Guild regs, her previous involvement denied her the paper title of ‘Editor’ in 2015. Which y’know. Sucked.)

Daily, I feel myself in the undertow of the blandness of these elections. “Get up! Come on! You’re doing it! You can do it! Yes!” I coax and grumble and yell at myself every morning at 11 a.m. from where I lie in bed. Typically I just fall back in the tender sheets and peck away at my keyboard from there. I live a horizontal lifestyle nowadays. It may or may not surprise you to know that most of what I have written here has been done so in a state of pantlessness. I do me. It works.

Not to downplay good effort, I did get a bit of ‘goss’ in our inbox concerning STARs loss of a few senior office bearers and councillors. Submitted by a “seasoned hack friend”, whom I shower with turmeric in my mind, he rolls out the following names as those who have jumped ship:

1) Guild Vice President Charlie Viska, who ran for STAR President pre-selection and lost to Nevin

2) 2015 Guild Secretary and 2016 Guild Councillor Jesse Martino, who wanted to be STARs Ed candidate

3) Guild Treasurer Tom Burke

4) Guild Councillor Chad Bensky

5) Guild Councillor Joanne Lim

6) Guild Councillor and University Senator Julian Coleman

7) Guild Councillor Brad Forbes

8) Welfare Officer Emily Law

9) Environment Officer Dennis Venning

10) Sports Representative Torey Rickerby

I am told that Jesse Martino and Charlie Viska are not running this year because Jesse was not picked for Ed President, and Charlie didn’t get pre-selected for Guild President, and Charlie and Jesse are a thing. Both are “super salty” at this. This is cute if it is true and will probably have ensured them both against hellfire and misery. You did a right, guys. Nevermind. Our blessings.

No doubt some other names there will be of significance to certain Guild insiders.

Sprigs of basil man also lists defections from STAR to Launch. We were introduced to player and swinger JPL yesterday, who crossed the floor for reasons sources tell us might have something to do with the fact that she decided to date the current President’s ex-boyfriend. But might also involve other things? Desiree Tan is also trying for International Officer, and OCM Kate Fletcher has switched allegiances going for PAC President, feeling snubbed and unbathed in respect by her old party. Going the other way, Chloe Hynes and Zena Ibrahim have failed to Launch and chosen the promise of a burning sun instead.

“Never before has there been so many drop-outs or defections of Officer Bearers and Councillors from either party,” claims chilli powder of STAR 2016. That students politicians should be ruled not by the convictions of certain values and ideals, but by interpersonal grudges and who’s dating who? A spicy fact?

Not very. I might as well get Nando’s.

Words by Kate Prendergast

Whisper sweet nothings in our ears at <pelican@guild.uwa.edu.au>.