The Sue Boyd room where the Drawing of the Ballots (and at other borgy events, the Eating of the Shallots) goes down is pretty much right outside the Pelican Office. Rather than attend, I considered sending our unopened jar of pickles as proxy – either that, or pressing myself up against the oaken back-entrance door so as to both mitigate the progressive deflation of my soul, yet still hear – though muffled – the husky tones of some husky-toned Guild candidate of which I am, sadly, not yet aware. Having little better to do than gather intelligence of vital importance for ASIO and stare at our exceptionally ugly bust of Shrek however, I sighed, whispered “never mind” to the disappointed jar of pickles, consumed several of the pickles to deter/penalise guild hacks for talking to me, and hauled myself over to see what it was all about.

The scene I entered looked as if Christmas had suffered a schism, then an aneurism, and was screaming alternately at the horror of it. Divided into apple-green STAR and flushed-earth Launch, the small room reverberated with yelps, bellows, and screams. They could have been imported from 2012 O-Camp. Maybe they were – I don’t know these people or where they came from, or whether they’ve drunk milk vomited up by a stranger.

One can perhaps trace the mania to the V-stand dispensary directly below, which had been shoving cans into the disinterested hands of students since morning. A feeble University-led campaign to wean students off study drugs? Or – riding on the green brand – a STAR-led campaign to align themselves with ideas of ‘pep’ and ‘vim’ and ‘gastrointestinal upset’? Huh.

The fuss being made was all about these little blue baubles. These weird little strange twisty blue ball things. The balls scooped up out of a cardboard box and cracked open by Returning Officer Mary (all hail), with the names coiled therein separated out and recorded by two helpers. The helpers were sweatered in an instructional beige. They were clearly terrified.

But what are the names? Who is running? The results are interesting. I think maybe ‘Ha’ is up for Women’s Officer, and ‘Nfjerm’ could be contesting for Sports Representative. I expect ‘Grflfl’s appearance on the ticket will be a cause of much controversy. As soon as the first syllable grazed the taut air, all the rest was blasted out of all recognition. Eh, it’ll all go up on the Guild website today or the next day anyway.

A couple of comment-worthy things, I guess. Our current President Maddie Mulholland is still STAR-gazing, running as she is for Senate representative. There are quite a few serving 2016 officers trying for another stint in the glory-stocks actually – Michael Kabondo is pitching for SOC President, and Laura Mwiragua is angling for NUS, and Tyson McEwan is trying for Welfare Officer. But most significantly, with STAR’s Nevin Jayawardena and Launch’s Wei Tien Sng wrestling for Guild President, next year we could be looking at the first person of colour in living memory to be the biggest of the Guild Big Wheelers. This makes me happy. Since happiness is an emotion alien to all Guild-related things, I also feel confused and cold and lost.

Guild Director Tony was also in the room (earplugs snug in ears), and I wondered if he had any chocolate in his pockets. I do not often speculate upon this. My thoughts date to yesterday, when I caught Tony prowling like a slightly awkward panther outside Guild café on my return from a delicious icypole purchase. We chatted (he likes a good chat, does Tony), and halfway through our conversation, he drew a hand out of one trouser pocket to bring forth two Caramello Koalas. We both looked at them for a second. He seemed surprised to find them there. He then returned them to his trouser lining, and did not give them to me. I wondered if this was meant as punishment for a certain opinion post that went up on Saturday, which was hastily taken down by Guild agents, to be just as hastily resurrected and reblogged by leftist activists. I am not particularly interested in anything which comes out of Tony’s pockets however.

Funny: these days I often find myself humming under my breath “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division.

Words by Kate Prendergast

Dish your student election guild dirt on platters gladwrapped in guaranteed anonymity to <pelican@guild.uwa.edu.au>.