You may not yet know it, reader, but we are under attack. From whom? By what? And how? These seemingly pertinent questions lapse into irrelevancy when we consider two points: a) that the proud national culture of Team Australia is under threat and b) that we must act now to save our most venerable institutions before it is too late. Without wasting further time, I present to you in list form the last vestiges of our Proud Nation, so that we as a country can band together to save them from the various shadowy forces that pervade. There are some lifestyle choices that are legitimate, and these are they.

HANDKERCHIEFS

Once, you saw handkerchiefs everywhere. I couldn’t kick a footy without being interrupted by the elegant flight of a rogue handkerchief in the wind. Oh, was there a more lovely sight than a crispy, yellowed hanky emerging from the pocket of the stranger next to you on the bus? Think of the varieties of handkerchiefs you used to see – handkerchiefs with old-fashioned floral embroidered designs, handkerchiefs with the appropriate days of the week sewn on them, handkerchiefs edged with lace. Such fun. Nowadays, a public handkerchief sighting is rarer than a Tasmanian Eucalypt. A national disgrace.

MILO

What do you think of when you think Australia? Fear and uncertainty, prejudice, youth unemployment, growing income inequality? No! You think of Nestle Milo, the nation’s favourite malted chocolate drink. The recommended Milo serving is one to two teaspoons per glass of milk, but I tend to go with three or four myself. Naughty! It would be a crime for future generations to miss out on the crunchy, not-quite-good-enough-to-taste-like-real-chocolate flavour experience that is Milo. Yet it is a national treasure sadly taken for granted. Don’t let Milo go the same way as the beloved Peters Drumstick, or the Yowie. Don’t let them take our culture.

SCHOOL BULLIES STEALING YOUR LUNCH MONEY

When I was a wee tot I would spend hours and hours crying in the school toilet because callous school bullies had taken my money. It was character building, and now I wouldn’t take those experiences back even if I could.  As a result of those early schooling years and the extensive counseling sessions that followed them, I am now fiercely protective of my income, and those who try and take it from me. Nowadays you see all kinds of namby pamby policies and action groups trying to wrap Our Nation’s Children in the cotton wool of liberal idiocy. I say let the bullies run free, and restore a proud Aussie tradition.

GOOD OL’ PLASTIC BAGS

What CAN’T you use a plastic bag for? I use them to store everything, even my insecurities. You just can’t beat a thin crinkly plastic bag for strength and durability – we’ve been keeping our family Christmas decorations in the same plastic bag for over ten years! Plastic shopping bags come in so many shapes, sizes and colours – I think Myer does a nice classic one, with the white writing on a black background. Some naysayers may doubt me, but I say that a nation built on plastic bags is a convenient and useful nation. And what other kind of nation can there really, rightfully, be?

SUNDIALS

Our great southern land is known to be very sunny. I think you will agree that sunlight is basically everywhere! Some might go far as to say that it is our greatest untapped resource. Well, I’d agree with them. It is time that we finally harnessed solar energy and used it to its full potential – by bringing back the sundial. Once, sundials were on proud display in every garden or park. Nowadays we have sacrificed the quaint inefficiency of the sundial for wristwatches, clocks and mobile phones. Have we no regard for history? It is time, Australia – time to look backwards in order to move forward.

WOLF WHISTLING

This used to be a nation where a man could express his approval of a passing broad’s good looks in the universal and musical language of the wolf whistle, without fear of being called out for it. You used to hear the whistle everywhere, whimsically echoing down any given neighbourhood street irrespective of the hour or the wishes of the unsuspecting woman it was directed towards. Look – the wolf whistle is one of the solid foundations upon which this country was built, and without it we stand on the shaky ground of equality and respect. A nation where even the humble wolf whistle is frowned upon is hardly the nation that Sir Edmund Barton envisaged. Indeed, there is nothing in this country’s history to indicate that we are a people who value the basic rights of subjugated groups. It is time for us to remember who we truly are: a proud nation of whistlers.

 

Words by Special Guest Writer Tony Abbott