LABOR LEFT: Born-to-rule elites that thought ALP stood for Another Liberal Party. Have hacks and spies in every Club and Society on campus. Possible ASIO conspiracy

UNIONIST: Thought United Voice was a UWA frat house and joined

GREENS: Attracting students through their sad-faced personalities and BO. Spend all their time wishing they were at Curtin

SOCIALIST ALTERNATIVE:  Serious, hard-working, sincere students dedicated to creating a better society. Raising awareness about refugees, first nations, education cuts and worker rights. Spend their time frustrated at not being seen as working class (see irony)

SOCIALIST ALLIANCE: When was the last time you saw a Green Left Weekly?

COMMUNISTS: This isn’t Murdoch

TROTS: Extinct. Last trot seen on campus was in 1997 when their free education ran out. Currently on the run from the ATO chasing child support for all the children they fathered on fresher camps.

ANARCHISTS: Dirty, belligerent and anti-social. Won’t make it past first semester: believe assessment is a fascist, capitalist, patriarchal tool used by the education system to make you compliant tools of the state

SOCIALISTS: Young Liberals

NTEU: Lecturers’ union. Will downgrade your mark by 10% if you don’t use the correct socialist language. Look down on you because you don’t want a job in the government

UEC: Dedicated to getting engineers drunk so they build things that fall down

Pelican: Dirty hippies who spend their time scavenging left overs from on-campus functions

Words by Mark Smith