Picture this: the beautiful scenery of Stockholm coming into view, its gorgeous side streets and monuments backed by the lush strings of “Viva La Vida”. Out of nowhere, an all too familiar accent is squawking. “So ere we arr in Stokhalm, it’s a beuiful beuiful cite!” Cue a panning shot to our knight in shining armour, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver.

Not only is this the whitest introduction to a TV show of all time, but it is episode 4 in “Food Escapes”, one of the seemingly millions of TV shows centred on the favourite chef of every mum in the world. Even beyond the yellow teeth and lame haircut, this man reeks of mediocrity. Here are 5 reasons why Jamie Oliver sucks.

  1. Most of his shows don’t have subtitles, and they really should. Jamie grew up in Essex, otherwise known as home to the worst accent in Britain, according to a poll by the Daily Mail. He is certainly no exception to the rule; while his mockney accent may charm many, I don’t think it should ever be socially acceptable to pronounce think as “fink”.
  2. He has an obsession with using olive oil for everything, and it’s weird. “Oi mate Jamie Oliver here and today we are going to prepare some pasta today, here what you want to do mate is take your olive oil there and just drizzle it over ya pasta, while you do that boil some water and add a bit of olive oil in there mate, be generous, then to finish it off just a smidge of olive oil there you have it, simple yeah”.  Real quote.
  3. He thinks people eat bad food because they’re stupid. While stupidity might play a part in some people’s dumb dietary choices, Jamie Oliver fails to understand the various other socioeconomic factors at play. Furthermore, his constant capitalism fest of merchandise, adverts and terrible TV shows do nothing to address these issues.
  4.  Your Mum won’t shut up about how good his recipes are, and it makes you feel self-conscious. And that goddamn cookbook, yeah – you know the one.
  5. His child naming game is shockingly awful. Jamie has four children, named Poppy Honey Rosie Oliver (2002), Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver (2003), Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver (2009), and my personal favourite: Buddy Bear Maurice Oliver (2009).

Words by Laurent Shervington